NEWS ALERT FROM THE NORTH POLE...CHRISTMAS IS POSTPONED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
SANTA CLAUS WAS SEVERELY WOUNDED TODAY WHEN THE SLEIGH HE WAS FLYING CRASHED ON TAKE-OFF. MRS. CLAUS SAID IN A INTERVIEW SHORTLY AFTER THE INCIDENT THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS, AS OF YET, BUT PRELIMINARY INDICATIONS POINT TO A LOSS OF POWER JUST BEFORE TAKE OFF WHICH CAUSED THE NEW SLEIGHT TO DIP SHARPLY TO THE RIGHT SIDE CATCHING A RUDDER IN A CRACK ON THE RUNWAY WHICH RESULTED IN ONE HELL OF A MESS FOR HER TO HAVE TO CLEAN UP.
MRS. SANTA WENT OFF THE RECORD AND SAID THESE WORDS...I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TRYING TO PROVE AT HIS AGE...I HAVE TRIED FOR YEARS TO GET HIM TO LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE OVER BUT HE INSIST EACH YEAR THAT IT IS GOING TO BE HIS LAST BUT HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO FACE THE FACTS THAT HE IS GETTING TOO OLD AND TOO FAT TO KEEP THIS UP MUCH LONGER. I THINK PERSONALLY THAT HE IS ADDICTED TO THE COOKIES.
SANTA IS EXPECTED TO MAKE A FULL RECOVERY IN 6 TO 8 WEEKS WHICH WILL PUT CHRISTMAS WELL UP INTO THE NEW YEAR, SO EVERYONE JUST CHILL THE F**K OUT AND STOP TRAMPLING EACH OTHER IN WALMART OF ALL PLACES.
REPORT FILED BY DAVID CARROLL JR 12/05/08@5:23PMcst!
