Slavepit's blog: "Observing Nature"

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, long ago, I worked for the evil discount conglomerate, Walmart. Now at this job, I was a cashier. I was friendly to customers, listened to their drivel, rang their shit up, took their money and sent them on their merry way. It was not a glamorous job, but it was better than sitting around my mothers house watching bad tv and eating equally bad food. 

One day, I was standing there at my register day dreaming and a customer walks up. She starts putting her shit on the conveyor belt and I sign on to the register. I am looking down at the items, not really paying attention to what she was saying.. she was speaking troglodyte. At that point in my life I could not decipher this language as it was nothing more than a series of grunts and growls followed by excessive drooling. I endlessly scanned the items. My eyes followed them as they made their way into the bags from my hands. As i peaked through the register, I noticed she had on a Tazmanian Devil tshirt that was more appropriate for a small boy. It was dirty, smeared with ketchup and cheeto dust. I saw something brown and wrinkled poking out from under the bottom, yes the bottom of the tshirt. “What the fuck is that”, I thought to myself. I continued scanning items and studied this brown thing. What was it?? Was it a growth?? Was it a tumor? Was it a really big gross mole??? I studied it harder and she turned for a full frontal view. My jaw hit the floor and I gasped. Before me, we the biggest natural breasts I have ever seen unencumbered by a bra in my entire life. Those brown things poking out of the bottom of her shirt… those were her nipples.

I tried hard to finish the job I had started. I was stunned. I was disgusted. I was in total and utter shock and awe. Never in my life had I witnessed anything so magnificent and disgusting in my life. She grunted to her male counter part and turned. Her breasts resembled vintage torpedoes, the way they hung there limp and lifeless.. like two blimps stuffed in a sausage casing. I forced myself to look at her face. It was something else.. She had a crossed eye and and food particles stuck to her face..wrinkled lips from years of smoking Doral 100’s.. her arms had some sort of rash and flaky skin all over them. I then realized that I had touched everything she had. I wanted to spray myself down with sanitizer…but I couldnt do that. My job was to be nice and friendly to customers…

I reached the end of her stuff and inhaled deeply. The smell of old stale cigarettes and sex filled my nostrils. I wanted to gag. “Your total is $157.73”, I said. She whipped out an unemployment card and swiped it through. I handed her the receipt and she walked out of my life…

This woman and her mate became my white whale. I spent the rest of my career looking for her…To be continued

Day 49475439583049: Upon entrance to the legendary Rainbow store, I spotted him in the parking lot. He was a magnificent beast with a long curly gleaming mullet protected by a faded and dirty black hat. He had aged tattoos on his arms.. one was a naked lady and the other was a faded Rebel flag. His skin was like leather.. brown and withered from years of being outside working, or drinking beer and watching the bug zapper. He and his friend, who wasnt so magnificent, were interested in an ad posted on the door of the Rainbow store. I couldn’t make out what they were saying as they were speaking troglodyte. I am coming close to deciphering their language; it will take some time but I think I am beginning to get close to understanding them. His southern drawl was the stuff movies were made of. I was shocked to find that he had all of his teeth. Could it be?? Was it?? Did I finally find a creature that was once thought to be extinct?? A real redneck.. not of the Jeff Foxworthy variety, but of the real “I’m gonna kick your ass and drink my beer while doing so” variety. I was in shock and awe. I could not believe that I finally found one.. this treasure, if you will. I stayed quiet as not to frighten him off. He left the door and made his way to his old beat up truck. I watched as this mythical creature rode off into the distance..