I know not many of you know me, so broadcasting this out to the land of internet is less personal than calling up some of my friends and letting them in on how I am feeling this particular day.
I keep this bottled up inside for some silly reason, and there is no reason to keep it that way. Most people heal by talking about things, and this should be no different. I know some people won't understand where I am coming from and others will be able to relate... If you don't understand, please don't say hurtful things to me... Here I go...
I once was married, for several years - had two children... I thought life was good... Had everything I asked for and then some. And with one swift punch, it all ended. He left and my life changed forever...
We all do dumb things when we are hurt, angry, sad, confused... I was lonely and needed some companionship. I went out looking for a one night stand... I found him alright... Not quite the experience I was expecting and definitely lacked the enjoyment I was desiring.
What do you know... I end up pregnant. Yes I used protection, and so did he... but I guess someone else had other plans.
I decided the best option for the baby would be to place it for adoption. The guy I had the one night stand agreed... He first wanted me to have an abortion, ofcourse - but I couldn't do that. It was my choice to have sex, nothing was wrong with the baby and I strongly feel using abortion as a birth control method is wrong (and I know many of you out there disagree - and that is just how each of us individually feels)
So with his blessing, I began looking for a adoptive family to raise my child. You always here how so many people are looking for babies... I figured I would have some choices and make a good decision based on my gut.
I reviewed several families' interest packages. I even liked one of the first ones I picked up and decided to meet with them. I got along great with them. She was a teacher and he was friendly and loving... I had really good feelings about them. However; they decided they were not ready for a child and decided to take a step back from the process and re evaluate. So my hunt for another family began.
Wouldn't you know, when you need something - there becomes a shortage in what you need?? Well that is my luck!! I was searching for a family who wanted to adopt for several weeks with no success. Eventually, there were several families that were ready to be picked from. The process then began over... looking over each package, reading what they wrote, looking at pictures of their family, their house, their interests... It was quite the experience in choosing where you want your child to be in three months... who is going to love them and who is going to raise them.
I eventually decided on another family, but they lived several states away. So we had a phone call and talked for well over an hour. I asked them to fly out and meet me and was interested in seeing how things were between us.
Well to make a rather long story short - I picked this family, with about two months left of my pregnancy. They were very sweet to me, kind, emailed me and wanted to be kept up with the status as to how I was. A kind, caring family.
Novemeber 26, 2004 I delivered a healthy baby boy. The family that was adopting him was there in the delivery room. They watched him being born and were honored to feel apart of such a wonderful gift. Placing him in their arms was the hardest thing I remember about that first day.
Trying to figure out how close to be with my son later that evening was a difficult challenge for me. I wanted to love him, make sure giving him up was the right thing, trying not to let my emotions take over the rational part of my thinking. Eventually everyone went home for the evening and I was left with my son... I knew I needed to bond although I tried really hard not to for fear of pain setting in and making the next day or two unbearable to manage.
He was pretty quiet that first night. Slept really well - any one who is a parent can probably remember the first night is pretty easy - the little one is so exhausted from their first day and the journey they went through to be born - they are just ready to sleep. I cuddled with him... talked to him... loved on him...
the next day would be the true test... Signing my papers and beginning the legal process of the adoption. The family was very respectful of the time I wanted to spend with my son before I did the signing... they allowed me to spend as much time as I needed with him. Everyone did. And then when I was ready, the staff from the agency came in, a nurse came in who would be the witness and then the notary came in. There I sat, with my son in my lap... having them describe all these papers I was signing... And my son, he was great... quiet, just laying there... content as could be
And then the final document, the one where basically she said, this is the one where you signing your parental rights away... I need an inital on this page and then a signature on this page... I made the initals ok... turned the page and went to sign -- and my son started to cry, just enough to say I am here... maybe even to say thank you... just enough to take my attention away for one brief moment. He didn't continue to cry - just that one little cry. Everyone in the room kinda looked at each other... and at that moment I doubted my choice... Was I really supposed to do this? Is this really the best decision for him?
Tears were already in my eyes, but I couldn't hold them back any longer. I let them flow... and I knew it was the right thing to do. I saw the love the family had for him. I knew what a gift I was giving them. I was giving them a son, a family - how many people can say that?
The rest of my stay had its ups and downs... emotional of course.
I still get emails from the family. I even see him... How much better could it be?? But this day is still hard. It is still my sons birthday... and he is not with me.
