Over 16,534,453 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
All your life you've waited for love to
come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must
not slip away
I know it's hard believin' the words you've
heard before
But darlin' you must trust them just once
more... 'cause baby
Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
we'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't
be long away
'Cause the things you do my Goodbye Girl
Will bring me back to you.
I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt
again
You fight the love you feel for me instead
of givin' in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin' you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me
...so remember
Goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean
we'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still
will have my heart
So forget your past my Goodbye Girl
'Cause now you're home at last.
David Gates
It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten
there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
walls that we just can't break through until we disappear
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
cause I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have
and the day pressed on like crushing weights
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
cause I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have
one thousand miles away
there's nothing left to say
but so much left that I don't know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
cause I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no
Rise Against
"Eclipsed"
We love our tragedies.
We're both broken in our own little ways
We're broken, but we fit together just right
You know I saw the black inside your eyes
I saw they were eclipsed by mine and they looked just right.
[Chorus:]
When our lights meet, will you know me then
And will you want to know it?
It feels like I've known you for so long.
When our lights meet, will you love me then
and will you ever know it?
It seems like you've known me for so long.
I love your analogies.
We're both crazy in our own little ways
We talk about the future and our past lives.
I know I loved you then.
I know I'd love you now.
I know I'll love you then.
I know I love you now.
[Chorus]
But you can't have everything you want when you want it.
I will be everything you want, when you want it.
Wait for me. Trust for me.
Fall for me. Even when you don't know you're falling for me.
Will you fall for it? If it should, it'll come around again.
But don't wait for me. And don't trust in me. Don't fall me.
Even when you know you're falling for me.
[Chorus]
When our hearts meet, will we make it then.
Will we even notice that they are eclipsed?
Evans Blue
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen
A brown eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce said
Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich-relationed home-town queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company and haven for the elderly
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you in
Dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen
To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen
-Janis Ian
Before me plays the endless film
Relentless splinters I recall
Each living thing breathes life.
Only sentiment remains.
To liquid born, from patterns formed
the sands descend with blind intent
Where the river takes me will in time be revealed.
I cannot turn my feelings down
Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around
expressed in every word I will ever speak
brighter than all the stars combined
more than the waters, earth and sky
all that I wish, all that I dream
Above the waves with my hands raised
Dare the wind, to lay claim to me
Knowing somehow none could take me
Watching the sun come up in vain
the only reason I can find why I remained
the need to leave the point where I came to again and again.
It didn't matter how hard I tried
it took so long to claim that I knew how
or what it meant to let go of this
to ever say goodbye
Call it destiny, call it fate
chose my direction, running forward
each life to learn anew, whatever may come.
I cannot turn my feelings down
beyond my means to turn my thoughts around
expressed in every word I will ever speak
Brighter than all the stars combined
more than the waters, earth and sky
all that I wish and all that I dream
no creed on earth can replace or provide
In my darkest hour, the comfort I'd feel
leading me to see I can be more than I expected of me
my beginning and my end
the first and last air that I breathe
More than the sum of everything that I will ever be.
-VNV NATION
"Breath"
I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.
Is it over yet, in my head?
I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.
Is it over yet? I can't win.
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.
[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.
This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.
Is it over yet? Let me in.
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.
[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.
[Bridge]
I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.
[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.
-Breaking Benjamin
I know it's hard to tell
how mixed up you feel
hoping what you need
is behind every door.
each time you get hurt,
I don't want you to change.
Because everyone has hopes,
you're human after all.
the feeling sometimes
wishing you were someone else
feeling as though
you never belong.
This feeling is not sadness,
this feeling is not joy.
I truly understand.
Please don't cry now.
Please don't go
I want you to stay
I'm begging you please,
please don't leave here.
I don't want you to hate,
for all the hurt that you feel.
The world is just ILLUSION,
trying to change you.
Being like you are.
Well this is something else,
who would comprehend.
but some that do, lay claim
divine purpose blesses them.
That's not what I believe,
and it doesn't matter anyway
apart of your soul
ties you to the next world.
or maybe to the last,
but I'm still not sure.
but what I do know,
is to us the world is different
as we are to the world.
But I guess you would know that.
Please don't go.
I want you to stay.
I'm begging you please,
please don't leave here.
I don't want you to hate
for all the hurt that you feel.
This world is just ILLUSION
trying to change you.
Please don't go.
I want you to stay.
I'm begging you please,
please don't leave here.
I to want you to hate,
for all the hurt that you feel.
This world is just ILLUSION,
always trying to change you.
VNV NATION
dedicated to SB.
Nothing's so loud
As hearing when we lie.
The truth is not kind.
And you've said neither am I.
But the air oustide so soft, is saying everything
Everything
All I Want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same.
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks I feel it say...
Nothing's so cold
as closing the heart
when all we need is to free the soul.
But We wouldn't be that brave I know
And the air outside, so soft is confessing everything.
Everything....
All I Want is to feel this way
to be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks I can hear it say...
And it won't matter now
whatever happens to me
though the air speaks of all we'll never be
it won't trouble me.
And it feels so close
let it take me in
let it hold me so
I can feel it say....
Toad the Wet-Sprocket
My luck has never been the best. My choices deserved to be reproached. From the sheltered life i have lived as a child and a teenager, to being forced to marry the first man I "gave it up to"....and I think God why couldn't I have held out for a better man?..but marry him I did, and he was a selfish, arrogant, abusive son of a bitch.
No where to run, because my parents didn't believe me when I said he was hurting me, when he finally beat me for hours and put me into the hospital, I ran to my friends not my family. I ran to the people who knew the truth, the people who looked after me. my chosen family. I also fell in love again, and thought I was given a second chance. And God help me I really loved him. I was 22 and he was 18, but he made me laugh, his touch made me shiver and I though I finally found it, and so this is what it's like to finally be happy. No matter how badly things have turned for me and this particular person now, he stood by me when I bruised and broken. He watched over me, protected me and when he couldn't be around, he sent his friend to watch over me. Of course being the reincarnation of Calamity Jane (my full name is Christina Jane, hence the nickname), my luck didn't stand for long. on our anniversary he left me because he fell in love with my best friend who was persuing him. Instead of telling her to get lost and she was scum, he enjoyed the jealousy in me. He never really understood what true love and thought if he could cause me pain and make me cry, then that must mean I loved him. He fucked her 3 days after he left me. Leaving me a horrible mess for God knows how long. It took me only really until recently to truly give up on him as a friend.
I never did well on my own, but I tried. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I was the pathetic girl who begged for him back, willing to do anything to get him back. In one week I went from being his fiance to his mistress. God what was I thinking?
Every time a guy paid any attention to me, he'd come up and claim me like I was his territory though I owed him nothing. That's how I met Scott.
Scott was actually a gem, regardless despite our arrangement. I got kicked out of my house because I was dating him, and he took me in no questions asked, but was celibate. We shared a bed, made out, and did other things until he was no longer celibate, should you catch my drift. I started to fall for him, but I couldn't crack through his wall, that he built to keep himself from being hurt. So we agreed to be friends with benefits. We shared a room, and a bed, shared the rent split down the middle, made sure we both ate at least once a day. Ramen Noodles became our household staples. Regardless how I felt about Scott, I still felt empty, incomplete. Sex with out love is not as pleasurable to me. The emotions, the desire not just for the sex but for the intimacy makes sex all the much better. What Scott was giving me was not enough. He wanted the freedom to be able to date and see and sleep with other girls, I was going to excersise that same freedom. Oh I went out on dates, but never slept with them. I found myself once again being drawn to my ex-fiance who was realizing he had made a mistake in letting me go.
He broke things off with my skanky ex-best friend and we were going to try again. The reunion was a high. I felt that chance of happiness once again. We spent one beautiful night together, and I truly believed we were on our way to fixing "us". But low and behold the next morning, the she-bitch was waiting for him downstairs in the dorm building. And as the cab came to take me away and he kissed me, I watched him let her walk him to class.
How was it he could be cruel and honest with me, but couldn't stand up and say, "look we had this conversation, it's over, I told you it was over, you need to leave. I don't want to hurt you, but I made my decision" but he didn't. And I knew then I couldn't be with him, no matter how much I loved him, or felt that he was the one, or the love of my life. I told him to go back to her, that I couldn't be with him while she was still in our lives, and when trust was a big issue between us. So we stayed friends.
While living with Scott, one of his best friends and ex-girlfriends moved in to the next room of our hippie commune as I like to call it. Along with her came her boyfriend, Sean. Talk about awkward, Scott had literally been with everyone in that household.
After a while, our group of friends would go off to raves and parties, leaving me out because I worked a management job at Spencer Gifts, and Sean because he was always sleeping off a high, that we were thrown together alot..where it was just the two of us
We'd go shopping for groceries, with my money of course (not a good idea when you are stoned and have the munchies). We'd clean the apartment. We'd cook for this commune. We'd go for walks. We became friends, and somehow I knew, I just knew he was going to fall in love with me, I just wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. The funny thing about wanting and yearning to be loved that when it's offered, it's hard to turn away. So I fell in love with him too, but refused to act on it. Said I could only be his friend, but told him he was being unfair to his currrent girlfriend. She was noticing he didn't care for her anymore. He broke things off with her, and Scott, being told lies that I was having an affair with him behind him and his friends back (as if I owed him any explanations, the only one I would owe one to was her, but I hadn't touched Sean) Scott thrrew him out of the house.
This girl was diabolical, just as I see now how diabolical Sean was as well. They actually made the perfect match. go figure.
She told lies, with little truths. I had to look Scott in the eye and tell him I never slept with Sean. He believed me. But she made accusations about Sean that at first I thought where just petty...like missing morphine meds, and stolen watches etc. Again, I thought she was being petty. She begged me to have nothing to do with him and not be his friend. I told her I couldn't do that, but I promised her that I would not touch him or make any decisions one way or the other about him until she was healed and moved on. Well low and behold 2 weeks later, she's with a guy named James and he's the love of her life, and they were sleeping together, so in my mind, she moved on and I no longer was obligated to wait.
Sean and I got together. 3 months later i was pregnant with our first child, a son. We moved in together, he had a decent job, I was still working management, making more money than he was because of my title. I had to take an early maternity leave. And our beautiful son came into our world. Only I couldn never understand why we were always broke..where the money was going...well, I had been warned. He was lying and doing drugs, just keeping it from me.
I spent almost 10 years with him, with this liar, manipulator, drug addict. having one more child with him. I stayed with him while he was in jail. I saw him through his addiction and depression and once he was ok, when my break down hit, he just left me to my own misery. After nearly dying in June my eyes opened and I saw the roads we were taking, and they were different paths. His path was self destruction and more lies, he was stealing my more powerful pain meds. i couldn't leave, I had no where to go, not to mention I was still so ill I spent atleast 2 weeks in the hospital every month since last June. I had 2 major surgeries.
Finally I broke. He had kicked me in the stomach in his sleep just after recently having abdominal surgery. I went to the hospital only to be told I had a blood clot. He made himself feel better claiming that if he hadn't kicked me in the stomach it wouldn't have been found, not realizing that where the clot was he could have just as easily killed me. I was extremely drugged, and I don't remember it, but obviously I told him it was over. hell began all over again. He was talking about taking the kids from me.
He started cutting himself and stabbing himself with our kids in the house while I was still in the hospital. I had my mom get them out of there the minute I found out. It was the final straw, he wasn't stable, the kids have to come first.
I went out on 3 dates since I left him (well up until now). The first was a 24 year old, and I think it was just about finding out I still had it. When he never called me back, I din't worry about it.
The second person I dated, I really, really liked and cared about alot. but all I got was mixed signals, stood up and he barely called me. How could we build a relatiionship when I felt like I was doing all the work no matter how much I liked him. I still care for him...but I don't think he gets what I need is stability and that I need him to call and talk to me..and it not be a physical relationship.
The 3rd..well he raped me.
See how my luck is?
So I meet this wonderful person. This truly wonderful, caring, funny person. We have so much in common, we make each other laugh, and smile. Only catch is, he's in a relationship and doesn't know where things stand. He was a gentleman.He didn't play me. He didn't used me.
He was honest. About wanting to be with me, but owing her whether the chance to fix things, or to just be honest about what he wanted. He wasn't a cheater or a liar...in a way..he gave me hope that not all guys are dogs(sorry no offense meant). But when he left me and I realized that I had fallen for him, despite the restraint I put into not allowing it. I had to come to the realization, that he probably won't pick me. Why? Becaue my luck sucks and I'm Calamity Jane.
It's been a day since I've seen him. Haven't heard from him..yet...and I feel lig Gigi from "he's just not that into you", I cried myself to sleep last night, this night will be no different
Because I feel like I lost more than just someone I loved. But a life of promise and possibility that I would have been happy.
I'm always in the wrong time, in the wrong place.
And it's hard to keep going, to keep hoping, and believing.
Like I said, Death is lighter than a feather and duty is heavier than a mountain. I have a duty to my children, my darkness, my KJ, my bobby to keep on going, even when I don't think I can.
So you've heard my tale. Think of you what you may. I know I'm not a whore. But I feel cursed. I feel like I lost someting special. I feel like I'll never know what it's like to feel loved and to be a priority. And I'm so close to bitch hermitude.
So remember the tale of Calamity Jane the 2ncd. Learn from my mistakes.
and wheter fool I may be, I won't give up hope. Even though holding on to it is so hard.
hail and farewell.
-Christy
