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What are you waiting for?

My luck has never been the best. My choices deserved to be reproached. From the sheltered life i have lived as a child and a teenager, to being forced to marry the first man I "gave it up to"....and I think  God why couldn't I have held out for a better man?..but marry him I did, and he was a selfish, arrogant, abusive son of a bitch.

No where to run, because my parents didn't believe me when I said he was hurting me, when he finally beat me for hours and put me into the hospital, I ran to my friends not my family. I ran to the people who knew the truth, the people who looked after me. my chosen family. I also fell in love again, and thought I was given a second chance. And God help me I really loved him. I was 22 and he was 18, but he made me laugh, his touch made me shiver and I though I finally found it, and so this is what it's like to finally be happy. No matter how badly things have turned for me and this particular person now, he stood by me when I bruised and broken. He watched over me, protected me and when he couldn't be around, he sent his friend to watch over me. Of course being the reincarnation of Calamity Jane (my full name is Christina Jane, hence the nickname), my luck didn't stand for long. on our anniversary he left me because he fell in love with my best friend who was persuing him. Instead of telling her to get lost and she was scum, he enjoyed the jealousy in me. He never really understood what true love and thought if he could cause me pain and make me cry, then that must mean I loved him. He fucked her 3 days after he left me. Leaving me a horrible mess for God knows how long. It took me only really until recently to truly give up on him as a friend.

I never did well on my own, but I tried. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I was the pathetic girl who begged for him back, willing to do anything to get him back. In one week I went from being his fiance to his mistress. God what was I thinking?

Every time a guy paid any attention to me, he'd come up and claim me like I was his territory though I owed him nothing. That's how I met Scott.

Scott was actually a gem, regardless despite our arrangement. I got kicked out of my house because I was dating him, and he took me in no questions asked, but was celibate. We shared a bed, made out, and did other things until he was no longer celibate, should you catch my drift. I started to fall for him, but I couldn't crack through his wall, that he built to keep himself from being hurt. So we agreed to be friends with benefits. We shared a room, and a bed, shared the rent split down the middle, made sure we both ate at least once a day. Ramen Noodles became our household staples. Regardless how I felt about Scott, I still felt empty, incomplete. Sex with out love is not as pleasurable to me. The emotions, the desire not just for the sex but for the intimacy makes sex all the much better. What Scott was giving me was not enough. He wanted the freedom to be able to date and see and sleep with other girls, I was going to excersise that same freedom. Oh I went out on dates, but never slept with them. I found myself once again being drawn to my ex-fiance who was realizing he had made a mistake in letting me go.

He broke things off with my skanky ex-best friend and we were going to try again. The reunion was a high. I felt that chance of happiness once again. We spent one beautiful night together, and I truly believed we were on our way to fixing "us". But low and behold the next morning, the she-bitch was waiting for him downstairs in the dorm building. And as the cab came to take me away and he kissed me, I watched him let her walk him to class.

How was it he could be cruel and honest with me, but couldn't stand up and say, "look we had this conversation, it's over, I told you it was over, you need to leave. I don't want to hurt you, but I made my decision" but he didn't. And I knew then I couldn't be with him, no matter how much I loved him, or felt that he was the one, or the love of my life. I told him to go back to her, that I couldn't be with him while she was still in our lives, and when trust was a big issue between us. So we stayed friends.

While living with Scott, one of his best friends and ex-girlfriends moved in to the next room of our hippie commune as I like to call it. Along with her came her boyfriend, Sean. Talk about awkward, Scott had literally been with everyone in that household.

After a while, our group of friends would go off to raves and parties, leaving me out because I worked a management job at Spencer Gifts, and Sean because he was always sleeping off a high, that we were thrown together alot..where it was just the two of us

We'd go shopping for groceries, with my money of course (not a good idea when you are stoned and have the munchies). We'd clean the apartment. We'd cook for this commune. We'd go for walks. We became friends, and somehow I knew, I just knew he was going to fall in love with me, I just wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. The funny thing about wanting and yearning to be loved that when it's offered, it's hard to turn away. So I  fell in love with him too, but refused to act on it. Said I could only be his friend, but told him he was being unfair to his currrent girlfriend. She was noticing he didn't care for her anymore. He broke things off with her, and Scott, being told lies that I was having an affair with him behind him and his friends back (as if I owed him any explanations, the only one I would owe one to was her, but I hadn't touched Sean) Scott thrrew him out of the house.

This girl was diabolical, just as I see now how diabolical Sean was as well. They actually made the perfect match. go figure.

She told lies, with little truths. I had to look Scott in the eye and tell him I never slept with Sean. He believed me. But she made accusations about Sean that at first I thought where just petty...like missing morphine meds, and stolen watches etc. Again, I thought she was being petty. She begged me to have nothing to do with him and not be his friend. I told her I couldn't do that, but I promised her that I would not touch him or make any decisions one way or the other about him until she was healed and moved on. Well low and behold 2 weeks later, she's with a guy named James and he's the love of her life, and they were sleeping together, so in my mind, she moved on and I no longer was obligated to wait.

Sean and I got together. 3 months later i was pregnant with our first child, a son.  We moved in together, he had a decent job, I was still working management, making more money than he was because of my title. I had to take an early maternity leave. And our beautiful son came into our world. Only I couldn never understand why we were always broke..where the money was going...well, I had been warned. He was lying and doing drugs, just keeping it from me.

I spent almost 10 years with him, with this liar, manipulator, drug addict. having one more child with him. I stayed with him while he was in jail. I saw him through his addiction and depression and once he was ok, when my break down hit, he just left me to my own misery. After nearly dying in June my eyes opened and I saw the roads we were taking, and they were different paths. His path was self destruction and more lies, he was stealing my more powerful pain meds. i couldn't leave, I had no where to go, not to mention I was still so ill I spent atleast 2 weeks in the hospital every month since last June. I had 2 major surgeries.

Finally I broke. He had kicked me in the stomach in his sleep just after recently having abdominal surgery. I went to the hospital only to be told I had a blood clot. He made himself feel better claiming that if he hadn't kicked me in the stomach it wouldn't have been found, not realizing that where the clot was he could have just as easily killed me. I was extremely drugged, and I don't remember it, but obviously I told him it was over. hell began all over again. He was talking about taking the kids from me.

He started cutting himself and stabbing himself with our kids in the house while I was still in the hospital. I had my mom get them out of there the minute I found out. It was the final straw, he wasn't stable, the kids have to come first.

I went out on 3 dates since I left him (well up until now). The first was a 24 year old, and I think it was just about finding out I still had it. When he never called me back, I din't worry about it.

The second person I dated, I really, really liked and cared about alot. but all I got was mixed signals, stood up and he barely called me. How could we build a relatiionship when I felt like I was doing all the work no matter how much I liked him. I still care for him...but I don't think he gets what I need is stability and that I need him to call and talk to me..and it not be a physical relationship.

The 3rd..well he raped me.

See how my luck is?

So I meet this wonderful person. This truly wonderful, caring, funny person. We have so much in common, we make each other laugh, and smile. Only catch is, he's in a relationship and doesn't know where things stand. He was a gentleman.He didn't play me. He didn't used me.

He was honest. About wanting to be with me, but owing her whether the chance to fix things, or to just be honest about what he wanted. He wasn't a cheater or a liar...in a way..he gave me hope that not all guys are dogs(sorry no offense meant). But when he left me and I realized that I had fallen for him, despite the restraint I put into not allowing it. I had to come to the realization, that he probably won't pick me. Why? Becaue my luck sucks and I'm Calamity Jane.

It's been a day since I've seen him. Haven't heard from him..yet...and I feel lig Gigi from "he's just not that into you", I cried myself to sleep last night, this night will be no different

Because I feel like I lost more than just someone I loved. But a life of promise and possibility that I would have been happy.

I'm always in the wrong time, in the wrong place.

And it's hard to keep going, to keep hoping, and believing.

Like I said, Death is lighter than a feather and duty is heavier than a mountain. I have a duty to my children, my darkness, my KJ, my bobby to keep on going, even when I don't think I can.

So you've heard my tale. Think of you what you may. I know I'm not a whore. But I feel cursed. I feel like I lost someting special. I feel like I'll never know what it's like to feel loved and to be a priority. And I'm so close to bitch hermitude.

So remember the tale of Calamity Jane the 2ncd. Learn from my mistakes.

and wheter fool I may be, I won't give up hope. Even though holding on to it is so hard.

hail and farewell.

-Christy

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