"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man.
"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."
"Just gimme another drink."
"O.K. I'll make a deal with you. I'll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you're done or not you have to go."
"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"
He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"
"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants, too." 
