Not much going on today. Yesterday was kinda quiet too. Sunday was a bad day for just about everyone I think. Bryan hasn't walked away from this. I think it scared him and he didn't know how to react but we worked that out. I can't blast him for his reaction - everyone reacts differently & this was one big bomb I dropped. At first I told him I was coming by to get my stuff that I couldnt take th bs one more day but I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I was responding out of emotion too. I got there & we talked. He said if he could take my pain away so I wouldn't have to feel it then he'd do it. It just sucks that you find someone 25 yrs after losing each other only to be dealt with this kind of hand. Its just not right.
My sister is intervening to get some of the responsibility off my lap. I love the fact that she cares enough to just step in because I would never be able to ask for her help. We have a large family but very dysfunctional. Only a small group of us know what the true meaning of family really is. She's talked to the kids about how serious all this is. I'm not so sure Cherie gets it. I just need help even with the basic things around here so I'm not so wore out all the time. My dr put me on Ativan to help calm me down - so by the way if I say something that doesn't make sense or even stupid typo's, tha'ts why. Just learn to read typonese lol.
I've been doing alot of driving around, spending alot of time by myself sitting at the river, thinking. I don't have a beach to sit on bt the river can actually be a pretty peaceful place. I tried starting a journal but all I had were scrap envelopes to write on so I worked with what I had. Later on leave it to my sister to come up with a journal to give me. Blogging or typing is fine but I've found writing is more therapeutic so I think I'll be going through alot of journals. I could just write in notebooks but I'm picky about what I write in believe it or not. I'm a lefty so I can't write on paper with no lines or that college ruled loose leaf paper. It has to be like wide lined paper - go figure huh!! LOL!! Just one of those odd facts about me if anyone cares. HEE HEE.
My sister is going above & beyond when I ws terrified Id hve to go thru this absolutely alone & I can never thank her enough. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. I'm so thankful because without that support I really don't think I would even want to go on fighting because to say its overwhelming is a massive understatement, but at the same time she has her life and I really feel like I'm barging into hers like I can't manage my own. I don't know how to explain it. I've always been dependent on myself, i've never asked for help even when i probably should have and now I dont knowhow. But she took the bull by the horns in talking to the girls, getting Caiti's work to change her hours, figuring out transportation so I'm not the one doing all the back & forth driving twice a day and working on babysitting for Cass. She said simply she's going to be the big sister for a while like it or not. I don't want to give up watching Cass altogether until I absolutely have to because I get to enjoy all her 'firsts' and our time is so special, but its definitely getting harder right now doing it everyday. I just wouldn't have said anything because I want to do my share in helping until I get a job.
Which brings on a whole new set of worries... who the hell is gonna hire me now?? I might have to have this surgery and my unemployment will expire the end of May. What then?? Do I say "yeah I can start now but I'm gonna have surgery & I'll need eh, about 6-9 months off"....yeah right. Everytime I think about it I can't help but just totally freaking out. Who's gonna give a job to someone in my predicament. If I don't get approved for disability how the hell am I gonna keep paying the rent and utilities for this house?? This is how I freak myself out and who wouldn't?? Enough of that...time for a subject change.
Caiti surprised me the other night. They were looking for me & found me at the river & asked me to meet them at Kohls. Caiti had an extra $300 and said she was taking me on a guilt-free shopping spree. I said no way, I felt bad about that - this is HER money, she works for it to provide for her & Cassidy and I didn't feel right taking it but she insisted they have all they need & she still has 2 more days of work before her days off to get plenty more. And that kid knows just what I like and DAMN can she find the bargains! She got me a purse that is so me its not even funny, a pair of jeans that have this kick ass fit...I think my butt actually looks good in them! LOL!! . a nightgown and robe that are both hospital friendly; 2 nice picture frames - one is a gramma frame & the other is family. I want to get a pic taken of all of us including my sister, niece & her 2 kids cus we ARE family. Then last week I was bitching at Walmart looking for bras cus I hate underwire & everything else is beige...Caiti found Bali bras on sale 1/2 off - in pink and blue! LOL!! So now I have 2 new bras in pink and blue! Yay me!!
While we were there I saw this gorgeous sapphire ring. I've wanted a sapphire ring for at least 20 yrs but I'm real picky about the type I want. I've seen lots over the years but they were never "the one" then I'd find one and my wallet would say "VERYYYY FUNNY" LOL. I finally found one so I showed it to the girls and told them if they could swing it, I'd LOVE to have that ring for Mothers Day & they said they would make it happen between them. Caiti said she was gonna try some jeans on so I took Cass around in the stroller. Caiti actually went and got the ring! It was on sale for $100 and you could buy either the necklace or earrings for $1.00! So she got me BOTH the ring AND the necklace!! I cried right there!! I didn't know what to say! She said we've always bought them things they wanted when I had the money and now it was my turn. This just made my week and the gesture alone speaks volumes! Who else but my kids would do this for me??? I tried to copy /paste right to my blog but it won't let me so I'll add them to my photos. Please look at them...they're just stunning to me.
All I do is sit here and stare at my ring LOL. And not to sound morbid but if anything ever happens to me then I want these passed down to Cass on her 15th birthday. That was something I did with the girls. I would get them a nice ring either gemstone or diamond on their 15th birthday as their first REAL piece of bling. It was just a tradition I decided to start and I want to see it continue. And if by chance I am around then I can get her her first piece of nice jewelry myself.
I had to go to the hospital here yesterday to pick up the cat scan results to take to Barnes Hospital. A report came with it but even with a dictionary I could barely decipher it. IF I read things right though it appears it's probably cancer but it doesnt look like its mestatasized anywhere else and its smaller than the pancreas itself so if it results in surgery, I hope it gets it. Its definitely way bigger than the cyst they found 2 yrs ago and its definitely a mass - neither of which is good but I knew that. I'm guessing I'll probably have to have chemo or radiation as an extra insurance poiicy but of course I'm just speculating.
It's gonna get up to 80 today and Cherie's decided NOT to be home to watch Cassidy so later on when Caiti goes to work Im taking Cassidy to the park. I can't wait. I guess now that she has a car she has a newfound freedom - which I admit I would be going thru the same thing. I just hope she sees that this has to be a group effort. I'd love to be able to say I can do it all by myself but I think I've proven I can't and believe me you have NO idea how much I hate that -that was a tough pill to swallow and its killing me. I want to play in the yard SO bad to plant my flowers and get my hands dirty. That's my link to sanity so I gotta figure out a way. Enough yapping for today. 5 days til St. Louis. God Bless oh and Happy St. Patty's Day!
