December 18 is New Jersey Day, the day New Jersey officially approved the United States Constitution, and I, for one, am ready to proclaim -- I love the Garden State and all its citizenry.
After two years of living in the filthy, overpriced, nose-in-the-air concrete mold growth that is New York City, I went to the Jersey Shore for the Fourth of July and had one of the best weekends of my life. I fell asleep listening to Bon Jovi and woke up listening to Bruce Springsteen (not an exaggeration, that actually happened). Everyone was so friendly and intent on showing me a good time, and had I chosen to, I could have gone the entire weekend without paying for anything. Young women and 60-year-old-men insisted on buying me drinks. So when my lease ran out, I got the hell out of Brooklyn and moved to Hoboken, New Jersey, America's number one city for singles.
So it would be my honor to take a few minutes to clear up the most outrageous and offensive slander about my adopted home state.
"New Jersey is the armpit of America"
If that's true, then New Jersey is like the greatest freaking armpit in the world. It's like Angelina Jolie's armpit. It's the armpit that armpit fetishists are looking for when they are surfing the Internet. And the rest of America is like some out-of-work, meth-addicted slob that will never appreciate how good an armpit it's got ... Think about it.
OK, moving on. Click here to read some more reasons why New Jersey rocks.
New Jersey has nothing
New Jersey has everything. You want gambling? You got Atlantic City. You like sports? How about not one, but two professional football teams who left New York for real football country. You got the Jersey Shore, Newark Airport and a ridiculous amount of history. Where was Washington going when he crossed the Delaware? Jersey. Much like me, Bell Labs started in New York then moved to New Jersey. Plus, you're a few hours away from Philadelphia, New York City and D.C. if you should happen to make the mistake of leaving the Garden State.
It's full of guidos
You're right. It is full of Italians and they're great, so you can shut your garlic-hating mouth. Italian food is delicious. Also, if you have a good enough friend from Jersey, there's like a 100 percent chance that they "know a guy" who can "get you anything." How cool is that? (Note: This fact mostly comes from my roommate repeatedly insisting, "If you want, I know a guy who can get you on steroids by this weekend. Seriously.")
New Jersey is an urban wasteland
This is a wretched lie perpetuated by people who have flown in to Newark and then gone straight to New York City. Don't believe me? New Jersey is such a rugged state that they have a bear problem. Take that, Alaska.
People from Jersey are ignorant and uneducated
New Jersey often has the highest high-school graduation rate in the country, sometimes reaching as high as 87 percent. Meanwhile, Jersey's lauded next-door neighbor, New York, competes with states like Mississippi for the spot of lowest high-school graduation rate. New York smarter than Jersey? Fuggetaboutit.
Everyone prefers to live in New York
Oh yeah? Then why does pretty much every so called "New York" celebrity live in New Jersey? Because people who are rich and famous realize that it's better, so you should, too. The next time you hear someone make a crack on New Jersey, stop them and point out that Jersey is the state for real Americans with 73 percent voter turnout; a sweet, world-famous turnpike; and Bruce Motherf**king Springsteen ... Also, they should know the produce is delicious.
- Courtesy of Asylum associate editor Brian Childs
