We've all been there - you show up for a blind date and expect Ashton Kutcher to come running out of a shitty looking van, telling you that "YOU GOT PUNKED!"
From the minute I showed up at the restaurant, something just felt weird. Kinda like before an earthquake or tornado strikes. Still, a gentleman does not stand a lady up. I told myself to man up. It was just a date. I took my seat at the table, still trying to remember who she was. Evidently we'd met last night, but after about thirty shots of whiskey, I didn't remember shit.
So, she calls this morning - sounded like a hottie on the phone, so when she asked me out, I said sure. I mean - come on - I did give her my number. She had to be a babe.
But then she shows up, and as she walks toward my table, I am whispering to myself: "Please God don't let this be her! PLEASE!"
It was her.
Okay, have you ever ran over a deer in your car? Well, as she sat down, I had that whole deer staring at headlights look going on. All I could think of was that I would never EVER drink again!
She started talking and all I could say was: "haaay."
Okay, I'm a big dude - 6 foot 6 - and this woman was at least 7 feet tall, and built like an NFL linebacker. I could tell from her "guns" that she worked out. Fuck! How was I gonna get out of this one. The usual stuff wouldn't fly - she could easily kick my ass. My terrified little mind was racing.
I blurted out: "I have to poop." Ah yes - old reliable - works every time!
She replied: "Fuck! Me too! Snap!" Adding a wink and saying: "See how much we have in common, Sweety!"
I could only think of one word: "FUCK!"
I took a sip of my White Russian, and with a milk mustache I answered: "Uh huh."
So, like a prison guard escorting a convict to the yard, my date walked me to the bathroom so we BOTH could poop. FUCK!
No sooner had the door shut behind me when I had my Leatherman out and was unscrewing the window security bars. I kept saying - out loud: "OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!"
From the ladies room, I heard a very loud fart, followed by what sounded like a logger boot being thrown in the toilet, and my date yelling: "HELLO!"
I stopped for a second, "No fucking way."
Fuck the screws! I kicked that window out and was gone!
I ran like hell - like an Elan being chased by a Cheetah! And I never looked back!
At home, I crawled through my bedroom window, still uttering "OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!" And I haven't left since. So, that's why I'm blogging so much now..