1409800's blog: "My Thoughts"

Okay so i'm awake and in a bunch of pain so I  thought i'd blog for a few.

I'm pretty much known  to have quite a few favorite eyecandies.

So I'm gonna list em all and tell You a lil bit about em all.

1. Dez Fafara. Front man  for Devildriver/Coal Chamber. So this guy is pretty much awesome and vocally brilliant. 

2. Matt Shadows. Frontman for Avenged Sevenfold. Pure sexy and gorgeous

3. Synyster Gates. Guitarist for Avenged Sevenfold. OMG YUMMY !!!!!!!!

4. Perttu Kivilaasko.  Cello player for Apocalyptica. SEX ENCASED IN  SHEER PLEASURE !!!!!!!

5. Shaemus. WWE. He makes Me feel like I'm 16 again and kinda innocent lol

6. Mike/The Miz. WWE. Cute, Hot, OHIO !!!!!!!

7. Ryback. WWE.  Walking brick wall. Messy violent hardcore property distroying sex !!!!!!

8. Simone Simons. Beautiful voice, REDHEAD :O Purely amazing.

9. JOHN CENA !!!!!!! I'm like completely smitten with this Man and I  have had many dreams about Him :s

10. Paul lavesque/HHH & Stephanie Mcmahon. WWE. Now there's a couple I would love to have a 3 way with !!!!!

11. Randy Orton. WWE.  OMG His Phyicque is next to an Olympian GOD !!!!

12. Razakel. She is  superbly awesome and my all time  Female Icon. She goes against the grain and believes in self empowerment not to mention She's Sexy as fuck !!!!

13. Matthew Heafy. Trivium. Thinking Womans kinda Man and mmmm HAWT :O

14. Klayton Celldweller. Beastly and vocally supreme !!!

So I  thought I might as well blog for a bit while I'm awake.

I'm sitting here @ 6:32am with like a gazillion thoughts running around in my head.

Like where am I and who am I.

My Fuworld seems to have gone abit awry and I don't know what to do right now.

I'm sitting here thinking why do I feel like I'm constantly alone no matter how many people I have around Me.

Why do I feel like I'm the worlds worst Girlfriend. 

I'm trying to keep the ones I hold dear happy and everything. But I can't seem to do anything right.

This is the weirdest feeling ever and I don't know what to do.

It's just something I have to work on I guess. Paranoia sucks and I hate it. The not knowing and the being kept in the dark about stuff I need to know.

I love Steve, Kathryn and Kris.

I don't wanna ever lose them or feel like I'm pushing them away.

I'm having mad trust issues right now. I feel like I can't tell anyone anything cuz it will nearly always be repeated.

I'm epic worried that they will all find someone better than Me and that scares Me beyond belief.

I'm soooooo emotionally wiped out and I just want to rest and re coup after I was sick.

There are soooo many good people on Fubar and most of em reside in Zombie Massacre.

Without them I would have gone stir crazy.

Watch this space for more Impy thinkinz 

Okay to clear a few things up. Me and Steve have been together for almost 14 years now. We have never been married. I would like to say I'm not the kinda Woman to follow the rules at all. I am madly in love with Steve and I always will be. In my heart I am His Wife. I do all the Wifey things I need to do for Him. When We get sick We take care of each other and thats how it should be. He's my Viking, The Father of my Daughter and the Father of my 2 Awesome Stepkids. He is my Life Partner and He's who I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I do not nor never will need that piece of paper telling Me who's in my heart and yeah I do have My Pirate and my Goddess on Fubar. I love them both too for different reasons. Pirate He's my Fubar Constant and He's always been there for Me at anytime. I have been there for Him too. Although I can say when I was with Tony on Fubar I was ALWAYS faithful to Him. My Goddess makes Me superbly happy and having a Woman like Her in my life is WOW to Me. But the rest is MY future. I am planning on having another Child with Viking and making my whole life full with either a Rubie or a Robert. Just saying Yeah I'm a Wench who knows what She wants and She has never been the one to sit back and just wait for stuff to happen. I love everyone in my life and I have my Cowpokey as my glue. My BFF keeps Me sane and We talk almost daily.

Okay so heres the story so far. First off I am with Mr Viking in RL and He's totally amazing. I love Him beyond all logical comprehesion. He's the father of my Daughter and the Father of My 2 Step kids. I am epic happy with Him and I can't see Me being with anyone else in real life apart from Pirate. I was with an awesome dude called Pirate a while ago and then a whole shitstorm happened. We got Fudivorced. Messy situation all around with that one after having My name dragged through the mud and my rep kinda tainted. I'm working on repairing that all by myself. Then I met a Guy called Mr NY. Mr NY got with Miss RI in RL and yeah I wasn't bothered by it at all. Miss RI is a TRUE Friend and I class Her as a Sister. Yeah there was EPIC Jealousy involved. She could be with what I wanted and I FuMarried Mr NY. But We became close after all of this. Dude WTF was I thinking getting with someone that angry and sexually frustrated all the time. He hurt Me and broke Me beyond most human repair. Then Me and Pirate got talking again and OMFG WOW I never thought I would feel like this about another Man. Yeah He's only 23 and right now I couldn't give a shit if people like Us being together on here or not. He's MY Soulmate, Companion, Compadre and Evil Accomplice on here. Yeah We have had our mini melt downs and I haven't exactly been an Angel in all of this. Now don't get Me wrong. Yeah I did love Mr NY more than He ever knew. I was mostly flying by the seat of my pants with Him and I was scared alot of the time. Mr NY and I tried working on things and tried to get our shit back on track but I was way to impatient and I fucked up. I wanted to get back with Him so badly but I failed. He then got with Miss Alabama and that distroyed Me. They broke up and Mr NY got with Miss Ohio. Not too sure if they are completely legit because I know for a fact that Miss Alabama and Mr NY are still talking and most likely flirting it up.

Then I got with a Musician for a while but that one burnt out fast and ruined an awesome friendship. But in amongst all of this I found my shining beacon of Goddess Pothead Delight. She is the most amazing Woman I have ever known. She is just as messed up as I am. She gets Me and lets Me make my mistakes. I have fallen in love with a Woman and this is something really uber new to Me. I never felt like this about my ExGirlfriend in real life. Me and Mr NY HAD to call it quits due to external of Fubar issues and holy shit. WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY WHOLE FUBAR LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!! Calling it with Him caused a whole fucking mess and I deeply regret everything that was done and said by Me to Him. Shit happens I guess. BUT the night I broke. 2 people hit Me up because I was on cam in Zombie Massacre and they saw I was crying. #1 was Apex Predator. OMG I made a Solid friend that night and I can never thank Him enough for what He did and how He made Me feel about Myself. #2 was Pirate. That wasn't anything like outta the blue but DUDE I NEEDED MY PIRATE that night and Yes He was with His FuWife at the time. I NEVER meant to hurt Her EVER but I did and I'm paying for what I did. I think I am anyways. So yeah Me and Pirate got talking and He ACTUALLY prevented Me from self harming and making myself bleed as much as I could without passing out. He hit Me up the next day to make sure HIS WENCH was okay. I'm sorry. I'm getting totally sick of this He said She said nonsense. Only who's involved in this know the whole story. DUDE thank fuck I had my best friend in the whole fucking god forsaken planets back up and epic unconditional love and support. He's MY COWPOKEY. ANYONE and I mean ANYONE messes with Him they have to get through Me first. Dude all of this stress has actually done Me physical harm and emotional distress. So yeah please understand Me and Pirate on here being together is a COMPLETE No brainer. We fit. We connect and its more than physical. He's under my skin and when He DJs OMG MAN HAPPY NIPPLES and Yeah I know I have pissed a few people off with this. BUT its OUR choice and OUR lives. Wench/Viking/Pirate/Goddess/Cowpokey FOREVER and I really fucking mean that from the bottom of my very big and roomy heart. 

You guys who have helped Me throughout My whole shitstorm have been more than epic to Me and I really think I'm blessed to have People I can count on when I need them most. 

I'm NOT out of control. I'm totally in contol of this sit rep and believe Me I'm gonna do anything and everything to keep the people I hold dear happy. 

Watch this space folks :D:D:D 

Much love Wench

Dude if the World don't end pass Me a bottle and lets party into next year.

Dude this is nonsensical to Me.

The Mayans were WAY off the mark and missed leap years.

We all know this !!!

So No Apocalypse and Zombies I'm afraid folks.

lmfao !!!!

Ya know. www.fubar.com is a Website. It has been for well over 8 years. People come, People go. I just can't stand the way people change on there. Cliques, Gangs and people going out of their way to cause drama and causing other people to leave the site is counter active. People SERIOUSLY Fubar isn't High School. You DON'T Have to FAKE it to make it. Just be Yourself and people will either like You for You. If they don't it's their loss. Some relationships work, others don't. PEOPLE just get over Yerselves and it will be a much better place to go and chill the hell out, spend alittle money and try to make some solid friends. Lounges make the site cool as hell to hang out on. I have found where I like calling home http://www.fubar.com/lounge/zm. I am a Zombie Massacre SOLID and please stop asking Me to DJ for other places. MY ANSWER is NO !!!!!

OMG Did someone open the gates of hell with some Metal in History. Seriously there are some EPICALLY UNDER RATED Bands out there that We NEED to get more public. Right now I'm listening to Scar Symmetry and I must say 1 Guy 2 Vocal Styles WORK for Me big time. Yeah people diss drummers n stuff. But have You ever heard a track without Drums ??? Its like listening to Avenged now without Jimmy The Rev Sullivan. Seriously Metal needs to take the foreground and get rid off all this Poppy bullshit on the Radio. Yanno the stuff that makes You wanna poke yer ears out with Rusty Drillbits. OMG I'm ranting now. Impy/Amy out. If You read this then Thanks :D

Pain

Hot stabbing pain in my Womb go away

I hate that You are making Me feel this way

Odin give Me the strength to fight

Send Me the healing light

I love my body and all it brings

Just take away what stings

Oh dear Womb please heal

Give me the pleasure to feel

a Small baby inside of Me

Let Me be the Woman I want to be

Hope is all I know

To give Me the power to grow.

I can't take this pain anymore

It's becoming a huge chore

I want to be the being I was before

Whole and Healthy

I don't care about being wealthy

Just give Me what I want in the whole wide world

A New Baby thats all I want

Why ???
My Body is mine
I try cherish it,
love it,
My Womb feels like a barren wasteland
Nothing works right
Nothing fits right.
I hate my body. 
Is it too much to ask to have a working, healthy being that does what I want it to do.
Why can't I have the one thing that I really want.
All I want is a Baby.
Something new to hold in my arms and call Ours.
I hate not being well all the time. Honestly this is killing Me. 
Pain, Discomfort, Feeling like my heart is gonna break. Totally not fun.
I don't like my skin, my scars or feeling butt ugly most of the time.
People say I'm pretty, sexy and hot. They only see my face.
If they see what I see on a daily basis they wouldn't.
I am sooooo fucking gutted that I'm stuck in this body. 
I'm just not sure what to do about how I'm feeling anymore. 
Just bare with Me please. Understand I have no control over any of it :(

Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
Synthetic ecstasy, when her legs are open
True Life behind a wall
Where men and angels fall
A fading memory, when my mind is frozen

I can see a frozen point in time
Where her figure still awaits
Tongue of fire tracing lips outline
Where frozen breath originates

With one motion of her wanting eyes
She strips everything away
This one moment is intensified
And the colors all fade to grey

I am in the only place that i want to be
Though we know that it ends eventually
But it's alright because right now we're frozen

"I want to forget mistakes they've helped me make
It's better to be broken than to break"

Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
Synthetic ecstasy, when her legs are open
True Life behind a wall
Where men and angels fall
A fading memory, when my mind is frozen

I can see a frozen point in time
That is easy to retrace
Light and darkness are both intertwined
The elements are in their place with

One motion of her wanting mind
The real world begins to fade
And all the hateful things I have become
Temporarily go away

Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
Synthetic ecstasy, when her legs are open
True Life behind a wall
Where men and angels fall
A fading memory, when my mind is frozen

When my mind's frozen:

I'll take you anwhere you want to go
Far from anything that feels like home (lets go)
You are anyone I want to be (it's here and now, and now it's only you and me)

It's never enough (mmm that's true)
I want to stay here (yeah, and I do too)
Breakin' it down(takin' it down)
With smell(smell), touch(touch), taste(taste), sight(sight), and sound(sound)

How long will I be here without you near because I'm so cold
Break them first or I'll get broken is not what I was told, now I'm so cold
I'm so cold
So cold

Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
Synthetic ecstasy, when her legs are open
True Life behind a wall
Where men and angels fall
A fading memory, when my mind is frozen

Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
Synthetic ecstasy, when her legs are open
True Life behind a wall
Where men and angels fall
A fading memory, when my mind is frozen