I will never forget the moment that I realised I was pregnant with my son.
I had missed a few periods, but I never for a moment suspected that I was pregnant.
I had the golden "I'm an invincible teenager" halo about me doncha know. or so I thought.
The father and I had already broken up and after a morning of gasping and turning green, but never puking.
After a third trip to the local market for caramel to pool over my ice cream my Dad kiddingly said "You act like your pregnant." He laughed and walked away.
I followed him. My eyes wide. Shock settling deep.
"Dad."
"What?" He turned
"I think I am."
He stared at me for a second then lightly punched my arm. "You. dinky-dou are funny."
My father and I have never ever felt comfortable around each other. Even while I was young.
"Shit." I whispered to myself as I closed the door to my room.
I plopped on my bed and started to cry.
I have never felt so panicked. So scared. So completely alone.
"What the fuck am I going to do."
My hands drifted down to my belly and I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror.
My tummy was flat and toned... It has never looked the same since.
I had no idea whom to tell. No idea who to confide in.
I called Amo and whispered it to him. He laughed and "refused to listen to my lies."
I remember I held the phone away from my ear. I would have punched him if he was near.
Days turned into weeks.
I snuck out of school one day and Amo took me to the nearest town to the family planning.
One stick to pee on and 20 minutes later I called the clinic.
"You are pregnant." The voice said into my ear.
"I am?" I squeaked.
"Yes."
"Say again?"
"Yes. You are pregant."
I wanted to puke. Better yet I wanted to puke on Amos white shoes.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I may have tried.
I wasn't sick too much with my son.
As the months went by and I watched my body change. My waist thicken. My breasts became heavy. Stretch marks appeared on my body.
Friends stop calling.
I was 7 months pregnant. And as I sat down in my sisters car an asshole made a remark about my son being a bastard. He sneered as he said it, my sister was pulling away.
I threw my purse down on the floor of the car and opened the door.
My sister started screaming and she slowed the car to a stop.
I was out of the car before It stopped completely and I made my way over to him.
"YOU are a pussy bastard talking shit about an unborn child. I may be 7 months pregnant but I could still kick your ass.Do you have an issue with me?"
His friends laughed and he lowered his head.
I have never been so angry. The very next week Amo had an issue with him. Finally.
I found my happy during my pregnancy. I came to peace with myself and my decision to have sex way to young.
"You were meant for me." I would whisper to my belly. He would always kick my hands when I sang. And I never felt alone watching my tight belly roll with his movements.
I named Him Shane. My stepmother announced that she hated that name. It sounded too much like Shame.
I told her that it may be shame to her, but he was my heart.
I fended off repeated offers from my parents to adopt Shane.
Adoption information was placed beneath my dinnerplate each night.
"At the least" they said "Give us guardianship over him."
I shook my head and cried every night over my decision.
Hearing from most every person how I couldn't give him the life he needed.
Since the day he was born I have sang to him "You are my sunshine" And to this day he asks me to sing it to him. it relaxes his body and puts him to sleep.
I was given 6 weeks with him after he was born. And i was told that was it. He would be cared for my someone else and I would get a job.
I remember holding him to my breast and watching him eat. His eyes stared into mine. And I prayed that I would be able to find a way to stay with him.
And I did....precisely what I had too.
I have watched him grow and grow until he now stands taller then I am.
His feet are bigger then mine.
I watch him eat and I am in awe of it.
He makes me laugh with his wicked wit. And quick Quips.
He is intelligent and gifted with a heart the likes of which I have never seen.
He is brutally honest and walks around the house naked, and with NO SHAME.
He is everything that I ever dreamed he would be...only more so.
