Pdub's blog: "My songs..."

Fuck this shit. Two shots to the brain. This fuckin depression is makin me insane. No more is it a game. I aint playin. My lifes fucked up day out and day in. Im done with all the shit that people are sayin. Homocide is the price that yall be payin. It aint my fault that I am who I am. Whatever you think, I could really not give a damn. I am a man. Maybe not to you. But to your ribs will be my size 10 and a half shoe. Dont fuck with me or my feelings cuz the anger inside will be reveiling. Ill straight up hang your body from the ceiling. Take my blade and slice open your neck. Im done with you and your never coming back. All the hurt and pain that you have caused me over the years. There aint enough tissues to wipe away all these tears. So I just chill back and get pissed. I have visions of slittin my wrists. Blood commin out so fast it sprays mist. I got these scars on my fist from punchin brick walls. I always have the urge to break peoples jaws. Its really a shame that your gonna have to die for what you did. But its on you cuz youve tortured me sense I was a little kid. Now Im gettin my revenge back from all this pain. Through the years you treated me like I was a shame. Its kinda funny cuz I thought of you the same. Im a serial killer and your to blame. So Im out all night lookin for fuckers who dont keep they mouth closed. Put a round of bullets into they head till they brain shows. I got flows and now ur like me. Your dead now, so I can be happy. Yall look at me like im different. Like Im crazy and maybe lazy. Im not immitating. Just concetrating. On how to go about life now that your gone. I mean your not gone, just buried under my front lawn. Till the rain comes and washes your rotting carcus away. Evidence will be gone because the birds of pray. Eating your flesh when the kids come out and play. Im happy again. Im just glad its today.

Its time that I do it again and speak my mind. Each and everytime I bust it in rhyme. Shit aint gonna be changin. Im still fucked up and this shit keeps on stranglin. Im on my last chance, balancin and danglin. Ive told yall plenty of times what it seems to be. But I aint ever told you what it seems to me. Seems to me that everyones dissin on me. Wantin to say piss on me. Now this free world dont seem to be free. If I say sumthin or do sumthin that makes ya mad, sorry to say, but thats too damn bad. You aint gonna make me feel sorry or sad. It was sumthin you thought we had. Its cool cuz I felt like that with my dad. Now listen up if your gonna be retarded. I dont want some bitch thats always got her legs parted. Im not close to done. I just started. Mentaly fucked up. Thats you. Now dont get pissed, im just tellin the truth. Sense the days of youth, Ive suffered through and stayed true. But that shit wouldnt matter to you. Seems to me that this world is not worthy. There shouldnt be a reason to hide and worry. Cops come and gangs scurry. But caps are bustin in seconds with fury. Aint our fault cuz we aint doin anything. People try to judge just cuz we wear bling. I like how you wear that thing I bought ya. What was that? Oh yea, a ring. People gonna judge me cuz I buy my girl shit. It seems to me that thats sumthin some people just dont get. In my eyes, so it seems to me. That yall hatin on somebody who aint me. But is me just not myself. Sorry fuckers, but that how its dealt.

Im seventeen. A killa at heart. I leave your body torn apart. What Ive said, is that yall be dead. Hangin from the wall in my shed. I got my axe handy and willin to work. I never liked him. Thats why I killed that jerk. I sliced his throat cuz I wanted him to die. I took my knife and stabbed in the eye. Now dont cry, Its just blood commin outta his ears. I dont lie, Just fufilling all ya fears. Cuuz I, Kill all the quiers. The bloods dry, cuz you been sittin there for years. Down in my basement is where I do my duty. Bodys under my floor. The newest one is the dude who tried to shoot me. I think he was a fag cuz he called me a cutie. Im not gay but Id had sumthin for his ass. A zippo and a can full of gas. Im not psycho and Im not trashed. I like killin for money. Let me go get my check cashed. Bling bling. Nope its not my ring. Its sharp though and a razors the same thing. I keep in tucked in my sleeve. Your skin is the onlt thing I need. Slice slice. Im doin it right. Im glad cuz I'll be someone new tonight. I wear your skin like a disguise. No one knows who I am. They think Im someone else till they see my eyes. Blood shot from not gettin sleep. Up all night makin sure your all nice and neat. Placed up on my wall skinned like a fish. When the family comes over, I serve you as the side dish. Yummy, It feels good in my tummy. WAIT! Theres someone at the door. IM COMMING! Yay, I brand new victim. What can I do with em? Maybe cut of his legs and use em as stilts. Maybe I could even make him into a quilt. Use it to wrap up with when I sleep at night. Damn It feels good to be tucked in so tight.

blah blah friekin blah blah. I can say blah blah cuz it rhymes. Ive done said blah seven times. You cant touch my penis cuz its mine. Lotion it up so it shines. Cant show it in public cuz I'll get fines. Its one of a kind. In my pants is where you can find. Ha! whats so funny? Me and my penis can make some money. Stand out on the corner and wait. I can sit here and masturbate, but thats wrong. I could go on about it all night long. See you dont understand me. Im sour on the outside but sweet on the inside like candy. How can it be? Get to know me. Then you can call me a blow pop and blow me. Im sick in the head..yes I know. Im not going to appologize for it though. Im mental. Straight messed up in the head. Lay me down to sleep in my bed. Give me medication for my antics. Just dont give me to much or i might panic. DAMNIT! You did it again. I already told you..I dont wanna see men. I got my women and thats all I need. Dont tell her what I did cuz Ill have to plead. Look. I think it was time to write somthin different and wierd. Now your gonna look at me and Im gonna feel feared. It aint safe not bein protected. You might end up with your genitalia infected. Even get rejected. So boys and girls..wear that rubber. Be protected and have sex all summer. NOt sayin nuthin but you cant have a hummer.

Tired and depressed and theres something i wanna get off my chest. Am I the one who is failing on this journey or quest? That thing they call life where a chance is givin twice. Dont need no second chances? Well it must be nice. Cuz Im sittin here feelin like I'm not worth and dime or a minute of your time. Am I sad? Hell no Im feelin just fine. Cant you tell? Look at the knife wounds from behind. Back stabbed and the blade just shines. Gleaming with every drop of my blood. I got a second chance and it feels so good. Chances are only givin twice. My first chance was over just tonight. Who said what about who said who? Chances are that youve had a second chance too. Now let me ask you this. Can yall fuckin feel me? Can you listen up and tell me about the real me? Am I free? Are we free? To be livin a real life in this reality? Second chances how can it be? I think you have damned me. Feed me lies and think its fine and dandy. Truth be told that I have feelings of me dying soon. In the background theres a sadning tune. It brings fear and pain into my brain. The thoughts of me being gone and my smoking to blame. I need to change or my life could just end up simple and plain. Under the ground surrounded by dirt and rain. This is my second chance to stop what has become of me and make a whole new reality. Take away all that is battling me. Live my life healty and free. In life second chances are key. "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord my soul to keep. And If I die before I wake. I pray the lord my soul to take." "You never know what could have been when you didnt see me that day. But just remember, I love you anyway."

Let me tell ya bout this book i read. Written by me about spells and the dead. I wrote every page filled with rage and fear. Fuck everyone cuz the dead is so near. The words were written so clear. Spells were chanted and souls were risin. I still felt that sumthin was missin. A little part of me had gone off the edge. Heres what one of the pages said... If you shall dare enter the chambers of darkness. Dont be surprised if you end up a dead carcus. For what lies ahead may shock you. Say these spells and spirits may haunt you. In this book lays the soul of Nosferatu. The fires will rise and water will evaporate. Giving this energy to let go all your hate. Though it seems horribly satanist. Just remember you got yourself into this... I kept reading till all was read. It was my mistake now Im living with the dead. The demons have come to take me down. The book is wicked and sick and twisted. If you dare read the pages of this untold script, you just like me, will be lost without shit

Accept me or reject me. Its your fatality. I dissmiss your fantasy and submit my reality. The shit thats real has nuthin to do with you dreamin. Even though you wake up at night screamin. Cant help that Im always in your nightmares. Pitch black and Im always gonna be right there. Bring back everything at one time. More life, more money, and more mine. Somethins missin. Something I cant find. Searchin for the light but it, dont shine. Walk a little closer to where its bright. Open the door and into the sunlight. From the sky hot rays of sun. No one lives in reality. Im the only one. Now look into the mirror. DO you see your relfection? That image is you, only your obsession. Your mind can make you think your sumthin when your not. Fifty cent drempt he was a gangster. Thats why he got shot. You dream about bein something big someday. Get into reality and tell the dreams to get outta the way. Dont follow your dreams. Just chase em down. Cuz when you finally find them, they wont be around. Years later youll see what Im sayin. Youll be in the grave and see the tolls that your payin.

You wanna look at me like Im some kinda freak. Really open your eyes and take a peek. Youll realize what you dispize is what lyes inside all of us. The lack of self control and the lack of trust. Who are you to say what normal now that everyones different? Normal isnt sane now or is it? Im just the average kid on this earth doin no harm. You wanna treat me like shit and grab me by my arm. Ive done nuthin wrong so dont punish me for what I havnt done. Dont think you won a fight that you havnt won. Criminals out roamin the streets. You pull me over for how loud I play my beats. Cuff homeless for tryin to find sumthin to eat. Truth is I think the higher power needs beat. I dont believe in violence and I dont believe in silence. Im not gonna keep my mouth shut and leave that how my times spent. Every dime. Every nickle. Every penny. Im out doin good, but youd stick me in the penatentery. Behind bars for nothing more than being born. Go out and catch the sick fucks makin child porn. Innocent till proven guilty. I aint guilty, but my hands are filthy. Dirty from a hard days work. Blame someone else for what they did ya fuckin jerk.

I can say Im sorry millions of times. Write all these songs with the pattern of rhymes. Make me less of a living being. Look down on me like Im obscene. I cant be totally mature yet cuz Im only eighteen. Im a phene addicted to nicotene. Im addicted. Do you know what that means? I hope ya do cuz your addicted too. You cant stop doin somethin that you always do. Now listen here while I spit this script. I can be who I am and not give a shit. Im not out tryin to find myself. I found myself. Livin life and with good health. Maybe not wealth, but I cant get help. Have you ever felt the feelings Ive felt? I can understand most of what you been through. Your life is shitty? Its the same cuz mine was to. Your daddy left you? Aint it a bitch? I grew up without him and never needed one stitch. Your losin your house? Fuck yea I feel it. Sorry to be blunt, but thats how the world deals shit. I can be a man beside you at every moment. That will just fix everything wont it? It wont and I know for a fact. To be happy you dont need jack. I can tell ya the truth about the past year Ive lived out of boxes. I always forget where the box with the socks is. I aint gotta tell ya this cuz its my biz. But i love tellin ya bout this life shiz. All about sometimes how fucked up life is.

Im in this life of chances and fucked up surcomstances. Try to be happy and not take in sometimes how fucked up life is. Im eighteen and still a kid. Should I have to pay for what others did? Their wrongs shall not be my wrongs. Ill make everything right and hopefully it wont take long. If it so happens that I cant become greater than them. Dont judge me by my house or by my money. Judge me for me and not by what you think is funny. Ive been through alot that nobody truly understands. Thats why I have this pain in my chest and the blood on my hands. Blood from the tears that Ive shed. The tears when I lay in my bed. The sheets are now tinted with red. By tomorrow you will have forgotten everything that Ive said. The pain with still be with the blood that ive bled. Hope is the will power to keep on going without even knowing the challenges that lay onward. This whole life things seems kinda awkward. But I stay strong and move on to the sound of gods word. Somethings in this life are a pain. They make you want to go insane like its some kind of un ending game without the fortune or fame. Living in this life with nothing in poverty. Open my eyes cuz I need to see. There's somewhere for me. I need to get somewhere. That somewhere I need to be. Wheather its close or far. Distant or near, I will over come this struggle with little or no fear.