My Salvation
I ran swiftly back to the house, the reality of everything hitting me, I was going to be a father. Did this change the way I felt about Bella? I need to be alone with my thoughts, need to think this through. I was still baffled about her calling our unborn child EJ. Why after everything I have done to her would she give him my name sake? I had to admit to myself though, I kinda liked it. I got back to the house and Esme was standing on the porch.
“Edward?” she said turning to look at me.
I turned towards her “Yes Esme”
“What are you going to do? Bella’s pregnant with your child, so it’s time for you to face reality” she asked.
“I know Esme, I’m trying to do the right thing for everyone, but I’m not sure what the right thing is now”
I stood there looking up at the sky, it was a cloudy day not once piece of blue anywhere to be seen.
“I really need to be alone and think this through, but first I must talk with Alice”
“She’s in the Carlisle’s office” Esme quipped.
I walked somberly into the house and went to Carlisle’s office.
“Hey Alice” I said from the doorway.
“Hey Edward, what’s up?” she asked.
“Have you seen anything new, that I need to know about?” I said searching her thoughts, but finding nothing.
“Sorry Edward, I can’t see anything beyond the baby. Anything to do with Bella has totally disappeared”
“I’m torn Alice.”
“How so Edward?”
“Come walk with me so we can talk”
We left the house quickly and started walking south.
“So tell me Edward, why are you so torn?” Alice asked.
“I was at the cottage with them and the baby kicked, Bella called for me to feel her stomach and the baby kicked. I still had my hand there then I saw something. I boy holding a blood soaked rag. I asked Bella if that was what she had seen in her dreams and she said yes. I talked to the baby, and then it kicked fiercely, it made me jump back. I mentioned that I didn’t think that the baby like me, and then Bella said to the baby “It’s ok EJ your father won’t hurt you”
“EJ?”
“I said the same thing Alice. EJ stands for Edward Junior”
“Whoa, now I see why you’re torn. How did you feel when she called the baby EJ?”
“I was shocked of course, that she would want to name him after me after all I’ve put her through, but inside I was smiling. I liked the sound of it”
“Does this mean your feelings are changing Edward?”
“I dunno Alice, but I needed someone to talk to about it. Thanks for listening; now I’d like to be alone to think this all through.”
“Alright Edward, I’ll leave you to your thoughts. Just remember whatever you decide I’m behind you on it”
“Thanks Alice”
“No problem” she said disappearing into the forest.
I decided to go to the meadow where I first showed Bella what I looked like in the sun. It was my quiet place, the place no one knew about, and a place I could be alone with my thoughts.
I lowered myself to the grass, and lay amongst the wonderful scent of the wild flowers. I laid there staring up at the sky, thinking about what the days to come will bring. That’s when I heard it, my mother’s voice. She whispered my name softly, like she did when she was tucking me into bed as a child. I knew it was crazy, but I answered her.
“Mom, I dunno what to do. Tell me, what’s the right thing to do here. Please help me”
“My beautiful son, oh how I miss you. I missed watching you grow into this wonderful man you’ve become”
“Oh mom I miss you so too, but I’m not a wonderful man, I’m a monster”
“Edward, I knew what Carlisle was but I didn’t care. I asked him to save your life, because your life meant more to me than my own. I do not regret my decision”
“Mom I’m going to be a father”
“I know Edward, and that’s why I’m here”
“What should I do mom, tell me what is the right thing to do, because I don’t know myself”
“What is your heart telling you to do Edward?”
“My heart stopped beating the day Carlisle turned me”
“I know Edward, but deep inside you are still human. Look within yourself, the answers are right there.”
I looked up from the ground and there was my mother standing in front of me, it was like she never had the Spanish Flu. I looked into her beautiful turquoise eyes, the eyes I used to have; tears started streaming down her face.
“Please don’t cry mom”
“I can’t help it Edward, I’m just so happy to see you. You’re my baby and I’ve missed you something terribly”
“I know mom I miss you terribly too. I think about you every day.”
“Why have you come now mom? You’ve never appeared to me before”
“My dear Edward, you’re about to be a father, did you really think I’d miss that?”
I stood up and walked slowly towards her holding my hands out. She smiled at me with that warm smile that I had seen every day of my childhood.
“Mom I’m so confused. I try so hard not to be a monster, to be good, to make you proud, but I am a monster. Look what I have done to Bella”
“Edward stop it this minute. You didn’t force Bella to do anything, she loves you can’t you see that!”
“How do I know that she really loves me? Everything about me invites her in, my scent, my voice, the way I look. With Liz it’s different, she’s the same as me, a vampire”
“Edward, we always love what we shouldn’t, but that don’t mean the love isn’t real. What was it about Bella that brought you two together?”
I turned away from her “It’s her scent, she’s like my own brand of heroin”
“Her scent is that enticing to you?”
“Yes the first time I caught her scent was in bio, I wanted to kill her right there and then.”
“But you didn’t, maybe there is a connection, maybe she is the one”
“She is the only one I have ever felt compelled to protect, but she is too fragile she doesn’t belong in my world. Like she said to me once, I can’t protect her from everything”
“There is only one solution Edward”
“What’s that mom?”
“I don’t have to tell you, you already know”
I turned back to look at her and she was gone.
I sat back down on the grass, to think.
Was there some way I could make everyone happy, was there something I could do to make everything right?
At that moment I got an idea, a way to fix everything, a way that everyone could be happy. I had made my decision, and now it was time for me to make it all possible.
