some will find this boring or just me venting, and it is... just my form of expression. If you do take the time to read this I thank you for sharing this little piece of me.
Never have I wanted somthing so much...but yet been so content with what I have.
I used to enjoy being alone so much, I would be more then happy to see my friends leave so that I could be alone in my own mind and to sit with my guides/ gaurdian angels (whatever you refer to them as), It was nice being content to just be... To be connected to my guides, the earth and space in that momment in time. I was content to be in that state for what seemed like an eternity sometimes (maybe it was) It became so natural, life brought me my teachers and students as I needed... when I allowed myself to maintain the balance/ vibe, I would allway's be beyond my ego and rarely would human drama be allowed to remain in my life exept with'n the moment that I was sharing with one of my friends/loved ones/fellow students of our home. and I was happy/content being the conduit for my friends... never attempting to create my own drama or deal with the karma that I had allready allowed to be placed on my shoulders from my childhood... and That is not truly balanced in the end. But I know now why the patience I had was so important to my life (and to my teachers and students)
We are not raised/nurtured to have the confidence it takes to deal with our drama on our own, let alone the patience it takes to help another with there's. it takes tools... tools that are not formed over night or that can even be learnt through meer words, they have to be learnt through life experience, reflection of those experiences aswell as the experience's and choices that others have made to obtain all the diff out comes in there lives... pretty much the trial and error of life on this planet. I was pushed through my childhood my parents never having the time or patience to allow me to learn at the rate at which I naturally learn, or even the compassion to see that I need and have the right to follow the path that seemed so natural to me and my heart... and this was the cause of much of my troubles and despair in my early life and even now as I write this I'm wishing for that one day my father will see me as the man that I am, and be able to let go of his own ego... all the expectations he had placed on me to be what he had invisioned for me and all the dissapointment he feels that I choose not to or could not follow his path... that dissapointment seems to have turned into resentment toward me... in fact I cannot remember looking into my fathers eye's and not seeing and feeling his resentment and fear toward me, It has broken my heart every time. But that is his fear and I must allow him to own his own karma. I will be here waiting for him to come to me with respect, with true emotion and honesty... If he cannot controll his need to be in controll and his dominence that he needs and makes him feel like he has the right to belittle another mans life and to litteraly steal anothers confidence and energy (becuase he has so little of his own) then I will choose to continue on my path and allow him to continue his existence that I find so distructive to his loved ones, himself and his soul.
I have not seen or spoken to my father in well over one full year, and as much as that fact breaks my heart, it is nothing compared to the heartbreak, confusion and depression that the sick relationship brought to me in my daily life as a child and as a man. My choice has brought me great confidence in my self, my communication skills have been flurishing... the progress I've been making with my own karma is outstanding, which has allowed me to be even more compassionate and helpfull to my friends. I am proud to say that it has been the best year of this life of mine.
(a conscious man can learn from others aswell as themselves, and an ignorant one can only learn from themselves)
So much deception, frustration, helplessness surrounding so many individuals... and I am here to help anyway I can to help find even alittle bit of the self confidence in themselves it takes to obtain the tools that are so drasticly needed to clean our own Karma and create less and less drama in daily life. I have never wanted money for the time and effort that I give so freely to anyone who speak's to me with honesty or curiosity... how could I ask money for something that brings me so much joy when I see personal growth and confidence in another... it is truly a gift that I cherish, not to mention the unbelievable personal growth that I obtain in the same moment.
It is my belieff that we are all the students of this planet we a call home aswell as we need to accept and have the confidence in the fact that we are all teachers... and should respect everyone as such, wether it be a stranger on the street... or your own parent or child. and I choose to live my life as such.
I thank my mother for being strong enough and patient enough and for having the ability to try her best to step away from her fear and allow me to flurish into the man that I am today, she may never know how much she has done for me. I thank all my friends and all you wonderfull humans that have so selflessly help me along my path, with your honesty, compassion, art and love. and I so graciously thank god and the universe for all the little hints/coinsidence's and for showing your intent through every piece of your spectacular creation... through our pens our words, through the songs the birds sing or the light that the sun so willingly offers us. It is there waiting to be seen, respected and lived by anyone who can truly let go off themselves even for a moment and truly love and be loved... your ego does not love you ! your ego will work you into the ground and still demand more of you, it will make meaningless material things more important than the things that we really need in life, in the end realize we really wanted in the first place and was allway's waiting there for us to enjoy... life, love and the wonderfull things we find with in it.
This is some of the knowledge and things that the gifts of being what has been called "chroniclly depressed" "emotionaly crippled" "waste of existence" "dwelling on my past" all the labels that others have tried to put on my shoulders instead of allowing me the right to come to my own conclusions and to follow my own path.
I have many opinions and belieffs, I do not judge you for having yours... in fact I honor and respect you for them. and I thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and please if it compell's any thoughts, I would love to hear them.
Peace and Love all you groovy humans.
Chris Fontaine / fonzerrellie
(P.S. The messenger is not important)
