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dirus151's blog: "my pains"

created on 03/22/2007  |  http://fubar.com/my-pains/b67090

my pains

i feel pain with every passing moment, i am not with the one i love, and i lose those quicly and for ever. the pain of lose does not leave me, and i wish i was like those of you who might red this, for i feel that u deal with pain better than i. for i feel it everyday. i first lost a girlfreind t gang violence, then my mentor and best freind to cancer, then another freind to drug overdose, then soon after another to suicide. all before high school. thats when the real shit hit the fan. one goes down on a mtorcycle, nother a shot to the head. a third goes brain damaged for good after a fight. then another person to drag raceing and another to a swiming accedent. even the bastered grandfather i had scarcly know. then high school is over and i think the worse is behind me, but i was soon t see i was wrong, i had a scare of loseing the only real grandfather i have ever had, and my father, bot again to cancer. not to long after i have to watch a freing be carted off from achole poining, and he never comes back. then 2 days after thanx giging i findout a dear freind died from an ied in afganastan, on thanxgiving day, and i am not alowed to morn at work, class and even my family baly understands why i cry. i never get over it, and to this day it hurts, now the thought that my little brother might go over there next, and i may lose him too, my mother is not in the best fo shapre and my fothers cancer is back, even my dog is in bad shape, i have push freinds away and i fear my own love and me may not be able to live together, i may need to stay to work and make money, but i want to be with her, but she needs to be with her mom and best friend, and i want to be close for my family, so many are close to death and i am afraid i will not be here for any of them, but more than that i want to be with her and i want to be part f her fam more, but i fear death, not my own, but others, for their deathsd hurt me more than my own, i relish death, i have never feared it, i want to live but death wil come to me one day and i will imbrace it with open arms, i want to be a great freind, a great boyfrein, a great husband, a great father, a great granddfather, but i fear the lose of everyone, how do i live with it, it scares me, it horifies me to lose someone close, and i hate how i feel, i am suose to be strong, like my ancestores where, morn for a day and move on, but i cant.. n not strong, weak and frail is wat i am, mybe not in body but in mind, i fear, i fear lose, and it hurts so bad
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