nightmares
Current mood: scared
A very good and trusted friend suggested that i write about my nightmares in order to try and get them out of my head. i'm not much of a writer, but here goes nothing.
Most of you know a little about my past marriage. It WAS a good one, until one night last year when everything changed. My husband, at that time, was "working" in NJ. i, as usual, was in Vt with our son, DJ. i got woken up around 2 or so in the morning by my car alarm. Someone had tried to break into my car. What would any wife and mother do? i tried to call my husband on his cell phone. When a female voice answered, i thought nothing of it since he was staying at his friend's house. Mikey is something of a "man-whore", so i figured it was one of HIS "friends". i didn't get upset until she said,"Honey, wake up. It's your wife on the phone." Then, i knew it was time to get mad. i strongly suggested that he get his ass home, NOW. i'm not that forward or bold as to order someone to do anything; but, circumstances were extremely different this time. It takes about 6 hours to drive from NJ to VT. So i had that whole time period to do nothing but think and stew. Unbeknownst to me, he had been partying and drinking for days. Drugs that i will not mention, just take my word for it....they are bad ones. When he did finally get home, i let loose with both barrels! i was never so angry in all my life! Almost 11 yrs of marriage down the drain for what?! Some little coke whore!? He kept telling me to back off and leave him alone, but i just couldn't listen or stop myself. i was SO angry, hurt and humiliated! How could he do this to me?! After all that i've done and sacrificed for him.....for him to go and cheat with some cheap little slut?! Anyway; the next thing i realize, is that there is a HUGE fist coming my way! My ex is a VERY big guy! He's 6'4", 260 lbs of solid rock! i don't remember anything after that. i guess i came to in the ambulance, and once in the emergency room, but that was about it.
What does all this have to do with nightmares? Well, it comes from what i've found out what happened during my being unconcieous. My son, my heart, had to run up to his "grammie's" and tell her to call the hospital because his daddy killed his mommy! The paramedics came and couldn't get in because of my guard dog, Sierra. (may she rest in peace) DJ was holding my head in his lap, covered in blood. Obviously in shock, they said. They finally got his attention, he put our dog away and let them inside. In my dream, i die in his arms. No one comes to help, no one tries to save me or him. My greatest fear is that he will grow up without me in his life. His dad is much better now. i think that night was a serious wake-up call for him. He no longer drinks or does drugs and for this i am thankful. Maybe this happened to keep him from dying or going to jail, i don't know. i have that nightmare at least once or twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Depends on if it's been a stressful day or not. i'm just hoping by posting this in writing, that it will get it out of my head.
According to my friend, Catcher, this will help get rid of the dream. i am safe and happy now, but the past still haunts me to this day. Could i have done something different?...Should i have just kept quiet?....i don't know.
i hope that i didn't bore anyone to tears or sleep and thank ya'll for listening to me ramble. So here it is Catcher.....Hope that this works and the night's silent screams finally stop!
