Alot of things about last night bothered me. But that's another whinefest, another rant. One that will likely be private.Because well.. like any human being, showing emotion to the open world is a scary idea. We dont want people to see who we are, we want them to see our mask, our charade.We want them to see us not for who we really are, but who want to be. But I give up. Im done. Not in a "woe is me" my life blows I wanna kill myself kinda way.Far from it. Anyone who knows me knows thats the exact polar opposite of "me". I was home alone and I was thinking... When it comes to relationships... Im done. Not in a I never want to have another one kinda way, but in a ive seen it all kinda way. No im not arrogant enough to belive ive experienced all of lifes joys and hells, so let me explain. I have been in "love" in one of its three biggest forms with three different people.My first love was the chemical, no explanation for it love. The "love at first sight," just couldnt get enough of each other love, differences be damned. Call it, love of the soul, if you will. Unifortunetly those difference became too much. My second love was a love of the mind. I loved him as a person and a human and everything, but we really didnt have the "bond", that unexplainable attraction. Our love was a mutual respect for each others intellect. For our ability to think outside the box. It was a love of finding your equal in another. My third "love" wasnt really "love" at all. It was love's evil twin "lust." Giving you feelings of deep emotion where there is really just physical need.These three aspects of love are what makes up the entirity of the love spectrum. Things vary here and there, but really, these are the three core aspects. A deep unexplainable bond, a deep respect for the other, and a deep "need" or "want" of the other. But not just feeling these things, but having them be recipricated. These aspects have to be entirely mutual. And in my case, for at least awhile, they were mutual. I have had all three of these with three very different men. Many people go thier whole lives and never really attain any one of them and I had the luck to experience all three. As far as cosmic balance is concerned I should probably count myself lucky. So thats what im doing. Im done. I would love to find "the perfect man". I would love the find a relationship that has all three of these core things, but the reality is, its rare. Ive spent the greater part of my teen/"young adult"/early 20's doing the same thing every one else has. Trying desperately to find an other. Trying desperately to not be alone. Well, im tired of falling in love and failing. So im done. I happy with the relationships ive had, and im sure I will have more. Im sure evetually i'll find someone who means more to me than anything, more than anyone one else. Why? because thats how humans work. Im certainly not giving up dating.But for the foreseeable future, baring of course said perfect man appearing, im just not gonna "give it my all". Im not gonna put so much effort and energy and emotion into finding my soul mate. Im gonna let the universe play its self out. Let the universe play its perpetual game of balance and sit back and enjoy the ride. Let things happen, or not happen. Stop trying to force or make things go. Just let it be and ride the wave. Thats what im done with. Life is a game. Im done trying to find loop holes or cheats or hacks or short cuts to the end. Im just gonna set back and play the game, while I let it play me. Lifes just to short to put my all into the dating scene anymore and countinue to be hurt.
