Velvet Vamp's blog: "My First Rant!!!!"

Why am I finding making a video so freaking hard for me to do??? Is it because its a reminder of how I lost touch with my family and never got to say Goodbye to my cousin before she died?? Is it because I never got to tell her how much she meant to me in my life?? I lost touch with everyone when my dad passed away. He was with me one minute gone the next without any warning. The depression I suffer from this traumatic episode is so incredibly great still after almost 13 years!! I cry everyday for the chance for my children to meet their grandfather. A day I know will NEVER come. I hide my grief behind a fake smile. Never bringing it to the surface!! My dad was my life my world!! I was a daddys girl and still am to this very day!! I was the only one with him when he fell in the hospital after getting a blood test done and died. An 18 yr old girl alone in the hospital unable to reach anyone in her family. Not even her mother or brother. An 18 yr old girl crying out to her dad to please stay with her and not leave her side. An 18 yr old girl who felt ALONE in the world without her dad. I still greatly miss him. Why did I let him down??? Why wasnt I able to be at his side after he fell?? Why didnt I tell him that day that I loved him and that he hung the moon in my eyes. He was the strongest man I have ever known in my life. The only man I ever knew who could take a disability and find the positive points in it. A man who loved his family so dear that he cheated death 7 times before. I want him back so incredibly bad and I know that that is an impossible dream. Its so hard to believe that he gone never to touch another life again like he had touched so many others. A prankster never to tell another joke. Why must the good die young?? Why did he have to be taken away and my children left with a grandfather that doesnt even care to know their names after 10 and 7 years??? I sometimes question what people call FAITH.... what kind of God would take such a wonderful man away from a loving family and leave a worthless piece of shit on the face of this earth. My dads death affected everyone!! My cousin Emily was one of his biggest fans!! I remember comforting her after his death. Holding her hand while she asked why her Uncle Tommy was taken away from her. Only to have her life taken away eight years later. All I can hope is that they are together once again and looking down on me and my family. I regret going into hibernation after my dads death. I missed out on so much with all my family. Not only Emmy. But what was I to do I was only 18 and lost the most important man in my life, the greatest man I ever knew. He was one I could turn to with any problem and he never judged, talk to him about anything and everything. The one man that stood 6 ft 4 that intimitaded the boys who were taking his precious lil girl out on a date. The one man that protected me and took care of me when I was sick!! The man I remember cheering above the crowd when his lil girl walked across the stage at any graduation she ever had. The one man that I fear I disappointed because all he wanted was to see his lil girl graduate from college but instead quit because she couldnt handle his death. I deal with this everyday. But he is my saving grace, my hero, the one that has gotten me to go back to college after 13 years. Hoping that I have made him proud with what all I have accomplished in my life. I know he would be. He was proud of me no matter what I did. Even if I did it wrong the first time. DADDY I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!! I HOPE TO MAKE YOU PROUD OF YOUR LIL GIRL BY GRADUATING COLLEGE LIKE YOU WANTED ME TOO!!

OMFG!! SOME MEN ARE JUST WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!! WHY WOULD A MAN GO OUT AND CHEAT ON THEIR PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND?? THEN TREATS HER BADLY ON TOP OF THAT!! WTF!!! IM SORRY BUT I THINK WOMAN SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE QUEENS. SPOILED BEYOND BELIEF!! I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MY GIRLFRIEND!!! NEVER WOULD I DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!! AND THIS CERTAIN B/F WE WILL CALL HIM GEORGE.......... TREATS HIS G/F WE SHALL CALL HER HANNAH LIKE SHIT!! TELLING HANNAH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, CHLL OUT, IM TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING BITCHING!! WELL GEORGE IF YOU SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT GET THE FUCK OUT!! NOONE WANTS YOU THERE TO BEGIN WITH!! AND FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! WHAT I WOULD GIVE JUST TO KNOCK YOUR TEETH DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT!! BUT I AM TOO GOOD OF A PERSON TO STOOP TO YOUR CHILDISH LEVEL. YOUR TEMPER TANTRUMS ARE OUTRAGEOUS!! YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING THREE YEAR OLD. AND IF I HEAR YOU TELL HANNAH ONE MORE TIME THAT SHE HAS CHEATED ON YOU AND THAT HER BABY ISNT YOURS I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT PAIN REALLY IS!!!!!!! STOP BEING A FUCKING ASS OR DO YOU KNOW HOW TOO?? HOW DARE YOU TREAT HANNAH WITH THE DISRESPECT AND THE RUDENESS THAT YOU SO GIVE TO HER!! SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU GEORGE!! YEAH THATS RIGHT I SAID BETTER........ GROW THE FUCK UP GEORGE!! YOU KNOW YOUR NOT READY FOR ANYTHING THAT THE WORLD MAY THROW AT YOUR ASS!!! LET HER GO LET HER DO HER OWN THING QUIT HOLDING HER BACK YOU LIL FUCKING PRICK!! DONT YOU GET THE HINT.... OR IS IT GOING OVER YOUR HEAD? SHE DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE SHE WANTS YOUR ASS GONE!! SO LEAVE MOTHER FUCKER LEAVE!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!! I HAD A RUN IN WITH THE RUDEST LIL SHIT ON HERE!!! TOLD ME I WAS FAT!! (LIKE I DIDNT KNOW THAT ALREADY) AND THAT FAT WAS UGLY!! CALLED ME STUPID. WHICH I AM FAR FROM. IM A VERY INTELLIGENT YOUNG LADY. I MAY HAVE NOT MADE THE BEST CHOICES IN LIFE BUT WHO HASNT MADE MISTAKES. I TOLD HIM HE WAS PREJUDICE!! AND THAT (OF COURSE) WENT RIGHT OVER HIS HEAD AND HE SAID I DONT CARE WHAT RACE YOU ARE. I WAS LIKE DUH YOU FUCKING DUMBASS YOUR PREJUDICE AGAINST PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT. ITS NOT LIKE I HAVENT TRIED TO LOOSE WEIGHT BUT ITS REALLY HARD TO DO WHEN YOUR DIABETIC. AND AS FAR AS BEING STUPID I GUESS THATS WHAT GOT ME TO PASS THE COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM 13 YEARS AFTER I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!! YEAH I PASSED THE COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM AND I START SCHOOL AT THE END OF THIS MONTH!!! HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT TO KNOW THE REAL ME HE COULDNT GET PAST THE "UGLY FAT" BUT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY DONT SAY IT AT ALL!! ALSO YOU NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. HE IS PROBABLY A PRETTY BOY BUT HIS ATTITUDE AND HIS MOUTH MAKE HIM THE UGLIEST HUMAN BEING ALIVE!!! ITS PERSONALITIES THAT COUNT AND I HAVE LEARNED THAT THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. YOU CAN BE BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE BUT IF YOUR HORRIBLY DISFIGURED ON THE INSIDE NOONE WILL WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I MAY NOT BE BEAUTIFUL OR PRETTY SO WHAT I HAVE A GREAT HEART AND I AM A GREAT FRIEND. I AM HERE FOR MY FRIENDS AND ALWAYS LOOKING TO MAKE NEW ONES. WHO NEEDS ASSHOLES WHO ARE JUST LOOKING TO DEGRADE SOMEONE SO THEY CAN MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIRSELVES. HE PROBABLY GOT A CHEAP THRILL OUT OF DISSING ME. AND IF HE DID OH WELL HOW CHILDISH. DAYUM I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH A BUNCH OF RUDE, CHILDISH, DICKHEADED BOYS TODAY I THINK ITS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE MY "UGLY FAT" ASS TO BED!! NIGHT ALL!!

Why do people think they can worm your way into your heart then rip it out like nothing and think they didnt hurt you?? They have to know deep inside that your hurting and crying because of their cruel intentions. The lies the hurt the pain the tears do they even care??? Probably not Im just tired of crying and hurting over this one person. Why cant I stop. Why do I feel she purposely did this??? Why do I feel outraged enough to want to hurt her too when I know the pain she will feel. I wouldnt want anyone to feel what I feel right now. The pain of the tears is too much to handle. But in time I will be ok.

IM SUCH A FUCKING DUMBASS!!!!!!!! AND HOW I SCREWED THINGS UP THIS TIME IM NOT SURE.... BUT WHATEVER BI DID COST ME THE MOST WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WITHB THIS INCREDIBLY AMAZING WOMAN. I WILL NEVER FIND ANYPNE AS OPEN, NON JUDMENTAL EVER!!!!! BABE IF U R READING THIS IM SORRY FOR WHATEVER IVE DONE,,,,, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.........

HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU FEEL JUST NOT QUITE GOOD ENOUGH FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE. ONES WHO MAKE YOU FEEL JUST IFERIOR TO THEM. THEN THERE ARE THESE MEN WHO JUST THINK WITH THEIR DICKS. I KNOW THEY HAVE A HOLE THERE SO THEY CAN BE MORE OPEN MINDED BUT MY GOD!!! DONT THEY UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU SAY YOU DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX YOU DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT???? I MEAN COME ON........ THEY HAVE TO BE READING WHAT YOUR SAYING.... DO THEY HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS??? OR ARE THEY JUST THAT IGNORANT TO KEEP TALKING BOUT IT WHEN THEY KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TOLD THEM THAT IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE RAN INTO TODAY AND I HAD TO RANT ABOUT IT SORRY EVERYONE!!!!! I JUST GET FRUSTRATED WITH PEOPLE WHO DONT LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR SAYING TO THEM. I HATE ALWAYS HAVING TO SAY OK OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! IT GETS MONOTANOUS. OK END OF RANT YOU MAY NOW GO BACK TO YOU EXCITING LIVES!!! MUCH LOVE TO ALL!!