Today, while playing with my daughter at a playground, I looked around and the people there... and felt an incredible rush of grief. So many happy families and happy couples... children with both parents around... functioning family units.
I wonder how they do it in this day and age... how do they overcome obstacle after obstacle to keep things going to blissfully? Are they always this happy and unified? What is it that prevents me from attaining such as that?
I know one thing would probably be my choice in partners over the past.... 5 years. I've been chasing people who make me feel young. I've been so afraid of growing up and growing old until recently. Now... I feel the need to settle down and become stable. After all, that's what's behind my whole move back in with my parents... the attempt to become stable. (in this case, it's saving money for a house) Also, my going back to college is a major attempt to get my life into a fixed situation where it'd be feasable to start and support a family.
I look in the mirror.. and I see age, for the first time ever. I see myself getting older. I've spent the last 5 years chasing my youth, through those girls. Now... I want a woman. A woman ready for a family life. One who'll be happy to go out maybe one weekend night a week. One who won't mind the fact that life isn't always exciting and adventurous. One who knows how a family unit works and won't mind working to help me maintain one.
I guess that's one reason I've been more attracted to women with children recently.... most are trying to get settled as well. Before I wanted girls without kids because they could go out more often and have more money to blow on stupid shit.
After spending today with my daughter, it's even more clear in my mind that I want a family.
But look at me... tattoos, piercings, and a morbid sense of humour aren't usually the qualities decent women look for when trying to settle down. I attract mostly whores and girls who refuse to grow up. They see piercings and tattoos.. they think I'm not the kind of guy who just wants to sit around the house most of the time... and they're disappointed every time.
It was funny... leaving the park today, after thinking about all that, my daughter asked me when she's gonna have a step-mother....
I just had to tell her I was wondering the same thing.
