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I hate that I gave my entire heart and soul to someone and he broke it. I don't understand how you can go from making wedding plans with someone, then within 4 months totally change your mind but not tell them. Lie and say you are going to the other side of the U.S because a friend died, then end up screwing someone who you used to date that cheated on you years ago and broke your heart. What really gets me is somehow it is all my fault.....
So i am extremely and overally emotional right now. i HATE this time of year, its sad most people are all excited, they are with their kids, picking out their halloween costumes and getting ready for halloween, or if ur single ur getting ready for one of the biggest party day nights at bars of the year. I am not on either one of those. I am NOT looking forward to this halloween at all. That day has got to be the worst for me ever yet. I have been acting over emotional lately and saying wrong things and pissing everyone off and being overlly needy and this is why. In a week, it will be the annv and death of my baby. I had a miscarriage in 07, i never knew i was preg, the doctors told me i'd never get preg. i was 6 mnths along and i had a miscarriage at my house, not knowing at all what was happenening to me. I had been going to the doc off and on all those 6 mnths and they were treating me for kidney stones, never once did a preg test on me. well i had the miscariage and went to the er that night, and they told me i simply passed a blood clot. 2 days later i couldnt stop bleeding and i was admitted in the er , with hemeroging witha tumor. i had lost my baby bc i had a tumor. i ended up having cancer and tehy told me i would have all my female organs taken out and id never have kids, i agreed to it, but i had no choice. well i had a angel on my side bc when i woke up i had everything left, the cancer was contained in the tumor. i am sad about halloween coming up bc until now, i've never been alone on this day, i've always have friends, family, or a bf or soemthing to help me through it, this year i have nothing and my mom is in the hospital....im all alone :(
So I am sitting here writing this , bc i have done some STUPID STUPID things lately. I want to try to make ammends for what I have done. I have acted in away , that i do not like lately, and have said some stupid and catty and immature things. I am not proud of myself or whate i have done. All i know to do is say im TRULY sorry. If the people i did hurt don't accept my forgiveness, at least i feel better about trying to apologize for it all.....
