Hello, I don't know why I'm writing this, but here it goes. I've been hurt a lot growing up and even afterwards. Well, I never knew my biological father, but maybe that's a good thing. he left when I was 5 years old.He died in prison in which he lived most of his life. He was sent there because he murdered two women. He murdered one woman and then got out on good behavier. Then, I guess he went right bach to prison by killing another. That doesn't seem that bad. The worst thing about it was that mom, as I was growing up, kept telling me that I was just like him. She kept drilling that into my head all the time. It seems that when you're a kid, things stick in your head after repitition. My mom saying that made me antisocial in school. For some reason I thought that if I had any friends, I would kill them. So at recess at school, I stayed by myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone at all, I was silent & alone. You see, my mom said that my dad was a warlock also. She said that he would put spells on people and they would die a week or two later. I really don't know if she was making that up or what, but she said that many times, That hurt! Another thing that hurt was, my mother tried to kill me 2 times. You're prob. think I'm making this up, but I assure you, it's all true. I've had a wierd and unusual life, for sure. One of the times mom through a butcherknife at me, as I ducked, it hit and stuck in the wall, wow, it would have hit me right in the head. The second time is, she was strangleing me. She nocked me down, on a church lawn, and started chocking me. Now that really took a toll on me, If it wasn't for my stepdad, at the time, I wouldn't be here. He ran over and trough her off me just before I lost cociousness. The part that got to me was the fact that how could she do that, at a church. I was devistated! Now remember these things happened when I was growing up, still a child. Another big hurt, was one of my stepdads, yes I had a few of them. A lot of times I couldn't change for PE at school, cause I would be battered and bruised, and maybe bloody under my cloths. I remember one time, he knocked me through the wall, from my bedroom, to my sisters bedroom. You see, I've been afraid of things early in life, and I've wrote that sentence for a reason. You'll see what I mean at the end of this blog OK. Oh yes, he used to beat on us all the time, but, believe it or not, that wasn't the worst part. Oh yes, it gets worse, in fact, the worst part of my life is comming up. Sorry, right now I'm getting a little teary eyed, I'll be back in a moment.... OK I'm back now! This next part is really hard for me, so bare with me. The biggest hurt of all, is with this same stepdad that beat us bloody. He started doing sexual things to me and my sister, I'm not going to explain in detail, cause I'll grt booted off grab I think. One day when mom went to the laundry mat, he held a gun to me and my sister. I was 11 & my sister was 9 years old. Anyway, he held a pistol close to us and said, "if you don't do what I say, I will kill you. He made my sister and I do sexual acts at gunpoint, when mom wasn't there. After he was satisfied with us he said for us never to tell mom or he would use the pistol and shoot us dead. This is the point that I found God, or I should say God found me. God spoke to me that night, just as if I was talking to a person in front of me. He said ,"I am real, and I love you, have faith in me and things will be alright, everything will be better". Wow, that hit me, it seems that all through that night, I had visions. God was showing me all kinds of stuff at 11 years old. You see, I was going to take my own life because I couldn't deal with what happened, then God showed up and things changed. Well, as the story goes, after this stepdad went to work the following day, I went right up to mom and told her what happened. Well the worse part is, she didn't believe me, not even after my sister said the same thing. OMG, I thought for sure, my sister and I was going to be dead. We lived in fear like that for about a year, before mom finally believed us and got rid of him. It seems that after that, I started fearing nothing. I believe that I had so much fear early in life that I kinda became numb to fear. Of coarse there was a lot more that went on , growing up, but I pudy much think I hit all the important ones. Even though I started talking to God early in life, I still become an alcoholic, in my teens, hmmmmmm, I wonder why..... I'm proud to say though, I don't drink now, for about 12 years, well except for a few times. I'm proud to say also, that I still talk to God and he does work miricles for sure, I know that first hand. Well, I really don't know why I wrote this, but, for some reason I'm glad. I'm hoping that maybe this will help some people. Believe it or not, I've never had counsiling on any of this stuff, I believe God counciled me.
Since this growing up stage, or whatever you would call it, I've feared nothing at all. I've had guns pulled on me and the last time I just took it away from the guy. I guess, having no fear, could be a bad thing. Oh no, I just thought of somthing, now people will no why I'm nuts, hehehehe! Sorry about the spelling, I didn't do good in school, and I didn't find a spell check on here... hehehe, byeeeee 4 now my friends.
