happym38's blog: "Musings"

"Guilt draws much of it's power over us from the fact that most of us have a real difficulty telling appropriate guilt from undeserved guilt. We believe that if we're feeling guilty it's always because we've done something bad. Here is a list to determining if you should feel guilty: Is what you did or want to do malicious? Is what you did or want to do cruel? Is what you did or want to do abusive? Is what you did or want to do insulting, belittling, or demeaning? Is what you did or want to do truly harmful to the other person's well being? If you answer yes to any of these questions, the guilt you're feeling is appropriate as long as it creates feelings of remorse, and not self hatred. Take a look at what is making you feels resentful and stressed out . "WHERE IS IT WRITTEN" ____ (name) assumes/expects/demands that I will do an action for them. "WHERE IS IT WRITTEN that everyone else's needs are more important than mine. These seeming immutable rules, which are keeping you from treating yourself even half as well as you treat other people, are not etched in stone. Guilt is a way of denieing loving yourself, when you denie loving yourself you denie the ability to love another.

First there are people that are not co-dependant that like to give. Why it empowers or gives them joy. The proverbal nice guy is one of these. But what is he to do. He attracts only needy women, women that are broken and who's lives are a wreak. So they put on their suit of armor and return from the battle defeated. The reason being enabling a needy person does not impower them but does strip them of their ability to grow. The more of a wreck they are the more a disaster their life the more reasons to give and give again. Now the empowered woman has no need of a giving person she got that job on her own, got that house on her own has a job, has a kickin bod for she takes care of self. She does not need a man to grant her every wish to do things for her and actually resents him. Also there are some woman who are offended by a male helping in a role they see as for a female though they are unwilling to do the task. This promotes gender biasas one person expects the other person to do only what is gender specified for tasks. When men do both tasks they feel threatened. Also there are those who do not want there partner to suceed. For the expect failure of tasks in order to bitch. The ability to do said tasks only devalues them and hurts their feelings for they want task undone in order too complain. So what is a nice guy to do. First (previous blog) the bad guys are seen more authentic then nice people for they are more predictable and also the basis human duality. Now we find nice guys that are generous fail for they attract needy destructive people, they don't attract independant people, they sometimes cross gender lines, and they sometimes offend people with their good nature. So what is a nice generous guy to do, pull away, be generous with no motive except to be generous in order to reduce resentment, don't give to someone with the intent of promoting action or getting something, reduce the level of intimacy( I mean by this if you are treating your friend like your GF stop, if you are treating your GF like your wife stop, if you are treating your wife like a queen keep going.),remind them what there station is (tell them we are only friends), define boundaries (by this I mean limit your giving based on what you recieve...If your friend only hugs you at the door don't buy them a car(bring it to me I will hug you)), you want to give and are a nice guy give them a cheeseburger or 25cent gumball jewelery every day to make you feel good but don't go to far out of the way. people don't appreciate being uncomfortable. Don't throug anything you have done back in the other persons face (you can't give me a money shot after I took you to the bahamas.) You gave to feel good about giving and no more get over it. So how else to meet the traps for a nice guy boundries boundries boundries you make them reciprocate. If they don't dump them and come give me stuff. In this blog I make light of being selfish but selfishness means you care about you. That above all else you want you to be happy and healthy and you can't get their by neglecting self by enabling anothers lackadasicle attidude. So do what is right for you and if they are not right for you leave them. By the time you have left them you will have bought 13 dinners, 21 sodas and several nick knacks. So why feel bad (Oh I had to break up with someoen who used me for my time and money, I must have spend hundreds on her boo, hoo, hoo///////// Wait a minute rewind you spent hundreds on her, she didn't care, didn't buy you stuff and left you for an abuser... I think out won out on the deal... unless you want her back now with a jealous abuser added...)

Would we harm another if we knew the damage we are doing. At the moment of hurting another we think we are right they are wrong, they deserve it or we deserve the right to harm. But if we saw the damage we incur to another that lasts beyond the seconds it takes to say them but in the days years and livetimes that are affected. Would you say that harmful word if you knew that later on they might choose a better choice for them but are to afraid. Would you say that harmful word if you knew it strengthened the batrrier they would place before their family and children.

The angry part is always about you. It doesn't matter how right you think you are. It doesn't matter how in the right you may actually be. If you are the one always gettting mad, then you are not the sensitive person or the thoughtful person or the careful person or the loving person. You are just the person who is yelling all the time and slamming things.