So many thought going through my head right now.I am Really missing my mom these days,even though i know she is gone and not in pain any more in heaven in gods hands walking alongwith god in such a beautful amazing place i really wish she was here walking beside me. i know she is walking beside in spirit just not the same !! :( So many things i wish i could change if she were here!!! But... i can't!! so I am full of regrets,like not being there the past little bit of her life i wish i was closerto her and spent more time with the woman who raised me to be who i am today!!The hardest part of dealing with the fact that my mom is gone is finding out here on facebook i seen it posted i screamed and cried soo hard!!! I know she is watching over me and i can hear her voice still thank god!! :)I don't ver want to lose that,so everyday I listen to some of the songs she lovedand just pictured her with a smile on her face and happily singing along with the song and that gives me strength to carry on!!to hear her voiceandsinging it was amazingI loved her singing she was so happy i don't ever want to forget what she looks like or forget what she sounds like!!! nothing do i ever want to forget anythign about such an amazing woman as my mom.Everything she has done mor me and the stuff i have put her through i regret so much wish i could have taken it all back.:( I Now know why she deciciplined me the way she did, she does what every loving mother does makes sure she raises her kids to be the amazing kids they turn out to be in the end growing up knowing the difference from right and wrong. i a so glad she coose to keep me in her home and raise me to the person i am today!!!Lol everdayI can hear her talk to me and give me Crap!!! lol " get of your But,clean,organize your place this is not how i raised u to be" lol So I do make an attempt to clean up and organize my place,,,but.... so many things going on in my life and thoughts going through my head i get distracted or side track,still lol when i am on my but and want to do something but not clean i can here her say well clean and organize u place it is a never ending chore,job lol i am klike ya ya in my head but... i know she is right wow what an amzing woman lol i am always making excuses not to ad she used to get mad at me and shake her head at me and say: If it is not one thing with you Matti It is another" lol She is so right though even when i moved out she knew even after not hearing from me in a couple months she knew if she didn't hear from me there was something wrongand she would shake her head cause she knew i hated absolutely HATED GETTING IN CRAP FROM HER lol i used to think think that when i never called her i was not good enough for her to be a part of her life cause hwen ever i did not talk with her or call her i knew it would be her giving me crap and it made me feeel like crap bnut really that is not her fault it was mine soooo m=one of my regrets when i found out u were gone mom was not being closer to u i am sorry mom if u are listening or reading this please forgive me mom cause i love u so much and misss u sooo much u are such an amazing woman who made so many wonderful faces and people happy and positive changes in so man lifes and i thank god i was one of them and i hope that someday while u are watching over me i will make u proud of me and proud to call me ur daughter!!!I know you had your reasons disicpline me the way u did u were tough but if u wouldn't tough i wouldn't be the person i am today and raising my kids the way u raised me you were a fighter mom and a strong wonderfully amazing person thank u god for taking care of my mom now and have her take care of me!!!Because of the way u raised me i am now gonna be a strong person a fighter and i am not gonna give up i know i gonna be the one to break this chain in the family and be the one to pull out of thisand set an example to my kids like u were the best teacher and i couldn't have asked for a better mom friend and teacher in my life "forever i love you nothin compares to the promise i have in you"i have made so many positive changes in my life and all that has to do with you mom even to this day now that u are in heavon u are helping me along make more positive changes in my life not only for my sake but for my kids to!!! i love u mom and miss u always xoxoxoxox Matti Cootes
