Feisty Nurse's blog: "Miscellaneous blogs"

CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they Want. AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. PISCES - The Dreamer(Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Tends to be overly-sensitive. Doesn't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19) Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined Indulge themselves often. Very generous. GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) ;Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable But needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent Beautiful physically and mentally. CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22) Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22) Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help Others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos Attractive. VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to.Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be very centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. SAGITTARIUS - The Happy- Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room... 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND.. the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

THE RULES OF THE SOUTH ARE AS FOLLOWS: 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get the damn thing out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN 'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ___ ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought it could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. I met this woman at the church picnic and she was very attractive. Father Mylar told me her name was Carol. All the men who were unmarried certainly noticed how attractive she was, so I figured I had to make my move. Seven months later we were married, and we had relations. Wow! It really can happen to anyone! Married and Joyful, Hartford, CN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Penthouse Letters, So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, ok? And like, I've had a few beers so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another beer and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing Vodka shots for the last hour, totally pissed off about some guy. So I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all smooth and introduce myself and she, like, totally digs me! Orders a couple more Vodka shots and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more shots later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we book, ok? We get a taxi and I'm checking her out and she's totally hot, ok? Legs, breasts, all that stuff. Really hot, ok? I mean really hot. Taxi lets us off at her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened. How cool is that! Mr. Hot, Portland, OR -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Penthouse Letters, I was home alone, flipping channels, when for some unknown reason, I began to watch Martha Stewart. And she's telling me how to make spice tins out of an orange rind and I start noticing how sexy she is. So she's there on the screen forcing those orange rinds onto pre-sized bottles, you know, to get the proper shape for the tin, and I'm getting all turned on! So I begin t touch myself as Martha bakes the rinds in the oven for 3 to 4 hours, until they're nice and hard. And sure enough, I'm all nice and hard. I start to think about what Martha would do in a situation like this, so I grab an old T-shirt or dust rag, you probably have them lying about the house, and pleasure myself right there in front of the TV, no mess at all!! Martha would totally be proud. Well, needless to say it was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life! Just incredible. Horny for Martha, Chicago, IL -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Penthouse Letters, My friend and I walked into a total lesbian bar the other night. We had no idea, but when we opened the door, there were all these scalding hot hotties. And they were all over each other! Man, I began to throb, let me tell you! So my friend turns to me and says "I bet these chicks just need a real man. They'd probably be all over us if we let them." He's a pretty smart guy, so I figured he was probably right. So I walk into the middle of the bar, get the attention of every hottie in the room (not difficult, it was pretty obvious they were into me, just like my friend said they'd be) and said "Hey girls! I know you guys think you're dykes and all, but I bet you'd love to have a real man! Who's up for it?" Two months later, when I got out of traction, my friend told me he's pretty sure one or two of them really did seem interested in hitting on me, as opposed to just hitting me in the face. Too bad the other 40 or 50 dykes were so uppity about it. I might have had a threesome!!! Almost Fully Healed, Bismark, ND -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought it could happen to me. I was in my car, driving down the road towards the stop light, when it suddenly turned green right in front of me and I didn't have to stop or even slow down! Then, as I approached the next light, it too turned green! I swear I'm not making this up! All Greens, New York, NY -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Penthouse Letters, Enclosed, please find $59.99. I wish to continue subscribing to your magazine. If you need more money, just let me know. I've got more. Waiting for my Subscription, Los Angeles, CA

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

In order to keep track of how much trouble you will get into, we have created a point system. You can use this system to determine how far you should go. It might be a good idea to try to set a limit for yourself before the party. I'm not sure if you want to discuss this with your future spouse beforehand, however you should probably be able to estimate how many points you will be allowed on your own. Suggested Point Limits: Here is a table that tries to point to recommended point levels: Grooms Brides You are a sissy, your friends will be pissed and will never call you. 3 1 Not a bad compromise, but you need to live a little 15 5 Good job, not a wuss, not an ass. 25 10 Eventually, there may be a fight over this. 30 15 The fight will happen after the honeymoon. 35 25 The fight will happen on the honeymoon. 45 30 The fight will happen before the wedding. 50 35 What fucking wedding? 50+ 40+ I'm sure you've noted the disparity between what Brides and what Grooms are allowed to do. This is because men invented bachelor parties so we get to keep them. Consider it a trade for the fact that you get a couch in the ladies room and free tampons once in a while in public and corporate restrooms. Here are the tempations you will face and how many points they will cost you (remember they are cumulative so you have to add them up): Attending your party 1 point Drinking at your party 1 point Getting Drunk at your party 1 point Coming home drunk from party 1 point (additional) Going to your future spouses house drunk after your party 3 points Calling your future spouse "Diamond" when you arrive home 25 points Eating healthy foods at your party -1 point Watching porno movies 1 points Yelling "hey that's my fiance" at the porno movie 2 points It is your fiance in the porno movie 10 points Getting a tattoo during the festivities 5 points The tattoo doesn't have your fiance's name in it 10 points The tattoo has a strippers name in it 55 points Go to a strip joint 5 points Have a stripper come to you 10 points Strip joint isn't topless or doesn't serve alcohol. Lose 5 points, write to your congressman Strip joint is all-nude 1 point, invite your congressman. Your congressman attends the party 0 points, buy him a drink. You are the congressman 5 points (sorry Ted) Putting singles in g-strings 1 point for every $10 Lap dance 5 points each for topless, 10 points for all nude (but aint it worth the extra five points). Get in the "on stage shower" with strippers 22 points See a lesbian show 10 points see a barnyard animal show 20 points Get arroused by barnyard animal show 50 points, see a psychiatrist before marriage. Pay for sex (at the hand of a prostitute) 30 points Pay for sex (oral) 40 points (It was a man you know, they say all the good ones are...) Pay for sex (intercourse) 70 points Pay for sex (beyond intercourse) 100 points you filthy bastard. Bring home the clap or other STD 1,000 points Bring home the prostitute 1,000,000 points I hope that explains it well enough. Stay out of trouble or I'll see you on Jerry Springer.

1. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent) 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it. 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'. 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. If you own a sleep sofa or live on the second floor it is pizza and beer. If you own a sleep sofa and live on the second floor it shall be eaten inside a restaurant. If you are over 35 years old hire some movers you cheap bastard. 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. 18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses. 20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. 21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight,you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. 24.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" 25. If the breasts are fake you can stare all you want. The poor girl paid for ten thousand dollars worth of attention and dammit we are going to give it to her. 26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. 27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. 28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 29.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. 30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye,and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility. 31.The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 32.Threesomes are girl-guy-girl only. No swordfighting allowed.