Men?
What is it with men when you tell them that you like them that they run and or they dissapear? Or when you go places with them that they dissappear or they leave with some other chic? Why the fuck do they do this?
They say something to you one minute then they are gone? How many times am I going to have to go threw this shit? Why won't my brain listen to my heart?
I have walls up for a reason....but with this one piticular guy..... I can't say no....no matter his excuse, my walls just crumble down. What is goikng on with me. Why can't I say no or listen to my brain saying...'You've gone down this road before..It's not worth it.'
For those of you that don't know me...You might think that I'm a cold hearted bitch, but I've been hurt trumendously in the past....and not just by ex's but by parental figures as well....For starters my biological father abandoned me and decided that he didn't want to have anything to do with my brother and I but....my step-father as well.....well I'm not even going to go there...that is another story for another day. As for the ex's well......what is there to say....some just decided that they wanted to be friends, then switched their minds and others.....when things were going good....well they decided they were going to become drug heads again and waist all of our money on drugs instead of paying the bills...and then oh I don't know kicking me out of my own damn house that I happened to be paying for....yes yes I know...I'm bitter what can I say? But back to the point...
So why did I let this one person in? Why did I let him crumble my sheilds? Well because in all the right ways he is perfect for me...he says all the right things and promises me that things will be different this time....but at the same time he is all wron for me.....always saying the right things but then going off and doing the complete opposite.
Sometimes I even wonder why I even bother trying and why I care so much. In all reality I believe there is something completely and utterly screwed up with me and I don't know why I can't say no to this one person. It can't be love I don't even know him that well....he just did those certain things to get past that guard and then for some reason and some how he just slipped threw...which doesn't happen to me. Those guards used to be impenatrable. I just don't know why I even try....I should just give up.
I should try to put that guard back up....but what if it happens again? What will I do? How do I fix it? I'm just so confused. I wish that I would never have opened my big mouth and told him how I felt...maybe things would have been different if for once I didn't say anything. What would have happened if I wouldn't have voiced my opinion....would things have been different today or would they be the same?
