To all employees without exception
Why is the staff so fucking lazy? It's getting so I can't even walk fast through the hallways any more without stumbling over some freak on the nod.
Is it drugs? Has it come to that?
If so, by God, we're going to clean it up pretty damn fast. My attorney has worked out a series of disciplinary measures that will zap this thing where it lives.
Henceforth, anyone caught with narcotics, crazy pills or other stupor inducing agents will be draged down to the basement and have his scrotum torn off..... and, conversely, any offender without a scrotum will have one permanetly attached to her.
We feel such measures are necessary, even vital, to the health of this organization. This is the unanimous opinion of the sports staff, & as editor, I mean to enforce it.
We will play no favorites. Beginning on the day after Christmas, any employee caught nodding out, jacking off, or otherwise squandering company time, will pay the penalty.
This is a business- not a god-damn dude ranch, and any salaried person who fills he/she cannot abide by these new regulations, had better get out NOW.
There will be no second warnings. Copies of this notice will be posted in every corridor and thay shall not be defaced.
Sincerely,
Raoul Duke
Sports Editor
