dude...people can be so fucking ridiculous sometimes.
so there was this guy...and we started talking on here...whatever.
i thought he was cute as hell...and actually fucking intelligent...
and it seemed that the feeling was mutual.
so we started talking on the phone and texting A LOT.
we had a fucking 5 hour conversation one night...just laughing and having a good time.
so then i guess i made the mistake of actually telling him that i cared about him...and thought very highly of him...and that i in fact loved him.
it wasnt the kind of love where i cant live without this person...it was just like...you are a really awesome person and i love you, thing.
oh and that same night he saw me on web cam.
so either me telling him how great he is...or him seeing me on webcam totally changed his opinion of me.
maybe i'm a fucking fat ass after all and he didnt like that.
or maybe he talks to girls until he wins their affections in every way possible...then he drops them in the gutter like everyone's used christmas tree.
so anyway...after that night...i hear from him less and less.
he occasionally sent me texts early in the fucking morning when i'm still sleeping...but i dont call him on this...because i'm a nice person...and i appreciate his friendship...but that's really the extent of our communication at that point.
he stops talking to me online...he stops checking out my profile and what not...
so one night...it seems that he is really depressed...based on his status message...
he had told me earlier that night, when we were texting a bit, that he is going to sleep.
cool whatever.
but then i see his status...referring to something rather morbid...so i call him.
my reason for calling him: this summer, one of my ex boyfriends kept calling me one night...waking me up and saying that he hates life and doesnt want to deal with it anymore...
he had done this many times before...so it was hard to take him seriously...and i had just been through hell...so i wasnt wanting to add more crap to my plate that night.
well, he ended up shooting himself in the head...
and i've never forgiven myself for letting that happen.
and i promised myself that i would never ever let that happen again...if any one i know shows any signs or thoughts of suicide, i'm there...trying to help them.
so this brings me back to recently when i called him...well i guess i woke him up or some shit...which i didnt intentionally try to do...i was just worried...so he sends me a rather mean text message wondering "what the fuck? i'm trying to sleep etc."
so i apologized and told him i would stop bothering him.
then he tells me "thanks for thinking i'm suicidal. i'm not lame enough to use the phrase 'goodbye cruel world' as my last words"
thank YOU for appreciating the fact that i was concerned about you.
ugh.
since then, he hasnt talked to me...
i sent him a merry christmas text...and that's it.
while we were talking a lot...and going to each other's pages on here, i would go check out other guy's/girl's pages who i saw on his page.
if they looked interesting...i wanted to see more.
so i see this one chick who put funny comments on his page...i check out her profile and rate all of her pics because she is a very pretty girl...
then i see a comment she leaves him...referring to a stalker on her page and that he needs to take care of it.
i'm a stalker now?
i'm sorry...but this fucking site is all about connecting with each other through profiles and pictures and blah blah.
everyone here, i'm sure, has seen someone on a friend's profile who looked interesting...resulting in you going to their profiles and learning more about them.
so why, when i do it, does it makes me a stalker?
if i had left this chick a comment such as "leave him alone...he's mine" or something ridiculous like that, i would understand the resulting opinion of me being a stalker.
anyway...so this guy i've been referring to in this blog, he avoids me for the last week or so...then i notice he deleted me from his friend's list...just tonight...then i notice he removed me from his "myspace" top friends...which, i dont give a shit if i'm in a person's top friends...but once i'm there, i DO notice when i'm removed.
so i get the fucking point.
the last thing i say to him...oh about 30 minutes ago is this: dude...avoidance works i guess...but using your fucking words and telling me that you dont want to know me anymore works faster...and it's less of a chump way of dealing with things.
which is what i've been saying all along...while i've wondered what the hell happened...and why he hasnt talked to me.
"there's still a feeling of rejection when someone prefers the company of others to your exclusive company..."
but just fucking say so...because this...hurts so much more.
and it has hurt...and tortured me for the last week or so.
so why do that to a person?
just tell them...that you just aren't that into them.
fuck.
so...that's all i have left to say...even though there is so much more i can say.
i hope he has enough room in his apartment for his fucking ego.
