I have sat and gotten so upset last night and today that it doesn't appear I will be going to work today. Who really cares any way when you think about it.
I don't care if anyone reads this blog but i have to get this out b4 I explode. As most of my friends know, I am married and I am very unhappy. I stay because i know if I leave i will not be able to see my kids. Just the fucking thought of that is ripping my fucking heart out. i will die when the day comes that i'm told I can't see my son everynight as he lays down to go to sleep.
But how long does a peson continue to stay for that. To put up with the pain, to know the person you live with you don't love. To know you can be happy with someone else. Or is this just a pipe dream like everything else in life. You work your ass off to do the best you can, you do everything you can only to recieve nothing.
to be totally fucking honest I'm sitting here alone in my house and I can see why ppl would blow thier fucking brians out, or just fucking leave. I'm not a mean person, that is why I have stayed but I am in so much fucking pain it is unreal.. yeah it is all in my head but my heada and my heart are both telling me the same thing. That I would be happy else where.
I have lived life as a gh0st for so long I guess I died a while back, so what/who would care I wouldn't have to explain to my kids why I ruined thier life. They would just know thier daddy waa sick and i'm in a better fucking place.
I love my kids more than anything, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. God I long to be happy but can't think of how to explain to my kids that i'm going to ruin their life by leaving them...
So I have 3 choices..
1. Live as I have in this hell I have created for myself
2. Ruin my kids lives by trying to make mine better and going after the one I love.
3. blowing my fucking brains out and letting god send me to hell where I guess I belong, would it really be much difference.
I continue to fight this fight and will continue to be here for as long as i can, but it seems to be easier just to let go and let the darkness take everything......
gh0st in the shadows...
