I get so tired of feeling like I have to mind myself, put on a face and make someone happy. I get tired of suppressing myself in a vain attempt to find mr right. Well screw mister right.
Since I got divorced I had one fling after the other. Always seeking the right guy who would be my perfect partner. Somone who I can have make love to and be myself during the process without fear of breaking them (which has been a sad case for many of my past lovers.. I always held back my nature during intercourse with them. Only very few out of the handful of men I have been with have seen the real passionate me). If it wasn't fear of breaking them then it was fear of being too intense for them. So I tried to tame myself for finding mister right.
I have decided that my mister right that I have seen glimpses of in my dreams doesn't exist for me. Lets face it, it is a pretty tall list. Someone who is just as aggressive and passionate as I am (so I don't feel like I am walking all over him and he holds his own), someone who doesn't scury away from a fight--if we have a fight he needs to face it and deal with it. Someone with a dominant personality (submissives tend to iritate the hell out of me after a while) who enjoys an equally dominant partner. Yet someone who is just as romantic and marshmallowy as me in the center. Someone who would do anything for me, and will allow the same in return. Someone big enough that I can cuddle up next to him and feel protected, even though I would readily protect his ass in less then a moment without hesitation. Somone who likes to cuddle and above all likes kids!
I have toyed back and forth with whether or not I want more kids and I have decided that someday I would like to have one or two more. I want a warm home filled with love, fights, rough housing, good music and great movies.
Oh yea and he can't be a pansy when it comes to the outdoors. I want someone who will go hiking and camping with me, who will swim in a lake or take a road trip to the ocean whit me. Someone who likes to travel damn it.
Now clearly he does't exist or is already married with five kids. I am not getting any younger and I feel like I am wasting myself trying to tame myself for someone who doesn' t meet even half of what I really really want and what really attracts me. I could go on about my preferance of coloring, build etc.. but I think I highlighted the important parts that are above all else.
Since it is the case that I will likely remain single I will no longer worry about breaking or scaring a lover. I will come to him with full feline passion. Warm licks and gentle nips along the skin. MAybe some less the gentle bites. Loveplay will be just that.. in spades!
I may never get my mate but I will damn sure make certain that I have a hell of a good time to remember at the end of my days where I have earned every gray hair and every single wrinkle. Until then I will take delight in what I have and enjoy it to the fullest. If someone wants to deign at any point to call me a slut I will just laugh and reply that I am living it!
Maybe I will have a few more kiddies on my own. In the end when I am too hold to play matress derby I will have the love of a family around me through my children and grandchildren. I am going to live to be one old bitch make no mistake of that!
