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CrazeeNLuvinIt's blog: "LIFE"

created on 01/21/2007  |  http://fubar.com/life/b46867
VALUE OF A CATHOLIC EDUCATION AND A #2 PENCIL Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted...........
Subject: Four Little Animals You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make! A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want Out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back and a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.
Cat's Meow A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
WORDS WOMEN USE: 1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for the meaning of Fine.) 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you -- do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times , but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's; response to be nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.) How true are these!!!
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?" The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blond, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blond had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis sai d, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blond who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"* "Oh, come on," said the blond. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!
You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part . 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Church Gossip Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her en ough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night. You gotta love George.
Blonde LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you SEE Florida ...?????" CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and th en today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushe d her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken" KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alon gside a speeding car on the freeway. Gla ncing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her que stion was, "If you are in a vacuum and s omeone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"
LIVING WILL INFORMATION While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine, and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
think you all can appreciate this one... I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas..... The clerk farted and gave me a receipt
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