One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked. 'Yes!' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said. 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Statues in the Park... There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years. One day an angel comes down from the sky, and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred hot summers and cold winters, you've been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After 15 minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again? He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, but let's change positions this time!" I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head." ..............AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????.........

Stuttering Problem A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient. Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering." "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?" The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up. Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches. The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

.A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

> > Combat for Dummies > > > > Advice and instructions taken from actual military > > sources. Some of > > these guys must have had a sense of humor > > > > "Aim towards the enemy." > > --Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher > > > > "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our > > friend." > > --U.S. Marine Corps > > > > "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. > > The bombs are > > guaranteed to always hit the ground." > > --USAF Ammo Troop > > > > "If the enemy is in range, so are you." > > --Infantry Journal > > > > "A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher > > fire when you > > least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular > > in what's left of > > your unit." > > --Army's magazine of prevention maintenance > > > > "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over > > the area you just > > bombed." > > --U.S. Air Force manual > > > > "Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on > > ammo." > > --Infantry Journal > > > > "Tracers work both ways." > > --U.S. Army Ordnance > > > > "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." > > --Infantry Journal > > > > "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're > > afraid." > > --David Hackworth > > > > "If your attack is going too well, you're walking > > into an ambush." > > --Infantry Journal > > > > "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." > > --Joe Gay > > > > "Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." > > --Anon > > > > "Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to > > do." > > --Unknown Marine Recruit > > > > "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." > > --Infantry Journal > > > > "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up > > with him." > > --USAF Ammo Troop

Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. You always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls : While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating : Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat bar after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness : Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. 5. The "hook-up" Need I say more? Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, A fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

> > Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" > and take them to their separate hotel rooms. > > > > The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. > > His depression is made worse by the fact that, > > from the next room, he hears his friend > shouting out cries of... "Here I come again! > > ONE, TWO, THREE UGH!" > > > > "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" > > "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!"... > > ALL NIGHT LONG. > > > > In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" > The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an > erection." > > > > The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? > I couldn't even get on the bed...........

>TWO LITTLE BOYS > >Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were >always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. > >If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably >involved. > > >The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in >disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. > >The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother >sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the >preacher in the afternoon. > >The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down >and >asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" > >The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there >wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. > >So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is >God?" > >Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preach er raised his voice >even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is >God?" > >The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into >his closet, slamming the door behind him. > >When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" > >The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble >this time," > > >GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

>> HOTEL BILL >> >> >> >> Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, >> you >> might want to consider this... >> >> >> >> A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key >> West to >> Boston. >> >> >> >> After almost twenty-four hours on the road, >> they're too >> tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a >> rest. They stop at a >> nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to >> sleep for four hours >> and then get back on the road. >> >> >> >> When they check out four hours later, the desk >> clerk >> hands them a bill for $350.00. >> >> >> >> The man explodes and demands to know why the >> charge is >> so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice >> hotel, the rooms >> certainly aren't worth $350.00. >> >> >> >> When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard >> rate, >> the man insists on speaking to the Manager. >> >> >> >> The Manager appears, listens to the man,and then >> explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool >> and a huge conference >> center that were available for the husband and wife >> to use. >> >> >> >> "But we didn't use them," the man complains. >> >> >> >> "Well, they are here, and you could have," >> explains the >> Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken >> in one of the shows >> for which the hotel is famous. "The best >> entertainers from New York, >> Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager >> says. >> >> >> >> "But we didn't go to any of those shows, >> "complains the >> man again. >> >> >> >> "Well,we have them, and you could have," the >> Manager >> replies. >> >> >> >> No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the >> man >> replies, "But we didn't use it!" >> >> >> >> The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man >> gives up >> and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to >> the Manager. >> >> >> >> The Manager is surprised when he looks at the >> check. >> "But sir,"he says, this check is only made out for >> $50.00." >> >> >> >> "That's correct," says the man."I charged you >> $300.00 >> for sleeping with my wife." >> >> >> >> "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. >> >> >> >> "Well, too bad," the man replies."She was here and >> you >> could have."