kayleigh...my chocolate point siamese love....she is dying i suspect, becoming emaciated over the past few months while still being quite active and eating well...they say its typical of older cats to begin altering their metabolism as they age, shedding weight, etc...in particular among siamese.
lately its become much more pronounced, and she is also exhibiting signs of distancing herself, another facet of the feline behaviours...they tend to go away to die if able to...she rallies of course, but i can't help but sense her time is becoming extremely limited...
the other day i heard a discussion on the radio-"but its only a dog...." in reference to someone grieving over the loss of someone so close to them...a non-human in this case... the absolute idiocy of that statement by the radio dick was beyond belief, though not surprisingly hardly an uncommon attitude among this, the most intellectually bereft of animal species.
we humans liken ourselves to the gids we've created, and therefore the concept of life begins and ends within our lot. what a fucking stupid idea that is, and those who submit to such lunacy are equal to that degree of stupidity.
i am really not going to waste my time trying to dumb down to explain in the most simplistic of terms why all life has equal value regardless of species, and the intricacies of this interlocking web of life that assures that we need one another for us all to survive. it will be a waste of time trying to reach those who feel this lust for all things dead or enslaved-outside of their own limited circle...even to the point of including some of their own kind.
no, this is about the fact that, when i see kayleigh, and i hear such fucking stupid comments, and especially when i see and read about the attitudes and actions of this animal species, the human, i am reminded of the fact that life is such a precious yet temporary treasure...we don't recognise its value until it is too late.
i have, in this year, come to realise that a huge part of my life was submerged because i was too willing to see that the needs of certain others would be met...be they family members, friends, social justice issues, etc...and i do not begrudge any of them or it-having done what i could for them...i wish always i could have done more in fact.
yes, i didn't necessarily not enjoy being able to be there for them, in ways it brought me pleasure too...enough at any rate to convince myself all that time that i was happy...reasonably so....in some cases in love even...
but i woke up.
and i realised that my life had, for a long time, been subjected to compromises for the sake and wellbeing of others, even as-like i said earlier-i did derive satisfaction and even pleasure from being there for 'them'....
but-it was never really for myself. was it. it was a slow awakening for me, one that culminated in almost destroying me this spring, because it hit me at all levels. i fell in love for the first time in my life over a year and a half ago, and during that time, still trapped in a life of compromise and giving, i continued to maintain that approach-not really aware of any other way to be....as some friends have indicated to me, i was the only one that people turned to when they needed someone, some words, an ear....a shoulder or a hug...advice, etc.
second nature, it seemed that by continuing in this fashion no one would be hurt....except as it turned out, the two who matter the most. regardless-there is love...and i believe utterly in its eternal strength... but for me-what i have seen in this current mindset...having lost Bianca earlier...watching her die before me, forever to be haunted by that visual...her head rolling over and her eyes bulging as her body went limp...seeing another individual with whom i have share a great deal of love..kayleigh, dying ever so slowly......
life is truly the only time we have to live...giving in to things that matter while those that do pass by and/or pass on, is something that is both tragic, and a waste. i cannot afford to allow another 15-20 years of my life go by-never to be regained-compromising myself and my happiness to death...and that of others with whom i share-or desire to share this life of mine with.
i know that i too deserve some acknowledgment from me-that my life merits consideration too...it is no longer enough to give myself over entirely to others and allow my own needs and desires to languish, be submerged or ignored, to be given over, for the sake of others.
my life truly began in the winter of 2007, and i do not want that life to be wasted for even another minute...no life should ever have to be lived in vain...
for us...
