I would always think if i wrote something and got it out, things would get better. But somehow its not this time. Its starting to frusterate me. What else can i do to block out this depression? Somedays are easier then others......I hate sensitive days....like today. I read a letter from my ex husband, it made me cry. I listen to 3 songs on my page, it made me cry, i saw my brother it made me cry...( im sooooo kidding on that last one.) I don't want to feel this weight of depression. It cramps me in a box, with wall i cannot break. Im tired of people who are so FAKE it makes me sick stand in my way. Its so hard to break these chains that the world has seem to put on me....I cannot even begin to think about.......well....anyways......uhm, .......go with me on this one....
Have you just sat somewhere, not really secluded, but away from everyone? I have my perfect spot. I live right on the river in my town, and of course the river is empty. I sit on the bank in between two pine trees. I can feel the wind on my face, its beautiful. In front of me is the river itself, and the Fairgrounds, behind a fence. To my left is still the river, going as far as i can see. To my right is more river, but then the bridge and the freeway. At night you can hear the cars, its almost soothing. Durning the day, when i'm alone, i like to sit out there in the sun, and listen to music. All kinds, just a mix of stuff. I just sit there, wonder of the life i could have had, or i could have. What is my malfunction? why can't i make anything work? My last few relationships i have bombed, and even a potential one. Is it me? if it is what about me is it? I know i have problems, shit who doesn't? But the specifics? what are they? Im tired of people not knowing the me inside. You all see the SARAH outside, and make judgements.
But have you once stopped and wondered about the SARAH inside? Do you know that i love the color blue or my favorite band is Atreyu? I love the smell right after it rains and i like to lay and watch the clouds? or that i always lick my bottom lip when i inhale when i smoke my cigarettes? Do you notice that when im happy for the moment or content, that i kinda space out and stare off to nowhere, especially out the windows when im in the car? Do you know that when i cry my face gets a little red? Do you know what my Depression does to me? Or that how hard it is for me? Do you ever think i really do need help and just sit and wait for someone else to notice or wait for me to go off the deep end? Why can't i just reach out for a friend and actually have some genuine concern touch back? I want to feel that emptiness of alone be lifted off of me. I dont' need a partner to be happy, but i want to feel loved, not just delt with because im the only one around to take advantage of. I have been used everywhich way from sunday and im tired of it. If you want someone to use, use someone else. Im done with you and your bullshit games...if you say you are my friend then be my friend, don't pretend to be. If you don't want to be my friend, its coo, seriously, just don't think that i can't see you are fake...cause i start to notice, even if it takes me awhile.
