well it has been 9 1/2 months since unholy passed away and it feels like yesterday but it feels like forever ago...if you can understand what i mean sometimes it doesn't feel real and sometimes i am holding him in my arms and hes dying all over agian everyone says things will get better and i guess inevitabley some things have, i no longer cry when i go grocery shopping. i can go to a flea market without completely loosing it..not the ones we went to.. i havent tried that yet but 1 none the less. we use to go every weekend almost and at least once a month he would buy me a new rebel flag shirt well i havent had a new shirt in over a year now and though i love those shirts its not the shirts that boother mne its the fact that he knew i wouldnt buy it for my self i would say i was going to then say forgewt it get you or the kids something but he would make me pick some out..i wear those shirts almost every day..those things are falling apart but its my way to be close to him.. i know its silly to hold on to material things and i guess eventually you have to let go but its just hard. i know tim is with me in spirit every day but what no one understands unless they have been through it and even then is difficult for people to get because his and my relationship was so different than the norm is my whole world is different and i am sure it is that way for anyone who has lost their spouse or someone else they loved but you have to realize that when i wake in the morning hes not laying beside me, the way i eat is different,bathe,run errands, buy groceries, everything has changed..and when i have had a good day i got something done that i didnt think i would theres no one to run home to and ssay hey look what i did and when i have a bad day theres no one to run home to so they can say "you want me to go beat them up" or it will be ok or to tell me hey dumbass you screwing up :) or youve done your best and we will get through this. i often say that if there was a song to describe tim and i it would be " she and i" BY ALABAMA:
She and I live in our own little world
Dont worry about the world outside
She and I agree
She and I lead a perfectly normal life
Ah but just because we arent often seen socially
People think weve got something to hide.
But all our friends know were just a little old fashioned
She and i
Oh aint it great
Aint it fine
To have a love for someone that others cant find
Aint it wonderful to know all we ever need is just the two of us
She and i
So wonderful
She and i
She and I share with every body else
The same wants, needs and desires
She and I save
She and I pay on everything we acquire
Ah but just because we arent often seen separately
People think we live one life.
Its hard for them to see how anyone could be as close as
She and i
Tim and I were not like most couples we didnt go out usually not even for birthdays or anniversaries..we did at one time when my mom was alive but usually we were fine just staying home .when i was able to work most of the time we worked together and even after months of working and living together we didn't want to kill eachother infact we had more problems when i wasnt able to go with him anymore he didnt want to leave me and i didnt want hiim to go it wasnt that he was possive or jealous we trusted eachother fine we were just happier side by side yes we had bad times every couple does but tim and i made it through when he and i left florida for alabama tim had done something that he had never done before and di it twice he lost a job for calling in sick and this is a man who worked with a broken foot who was hardly ever sick and if he was hed go to work anyway but when we got to alabama he was unable to get a job yes we struggled but we were in alabama 9 months and in those 9 months we were happy as a couple i dont remember fighting onceand now i look back and know that the last 10 months or so i got to spend day in day out with my husband..i truely believe everything happens for a reason and maybe him not working was for that reason.. i lived and breathed him and our children as did he, some of my family think we could have done a better job with our kids that we shelter them too much and were hard on too hard on them, but as i tell my son if i ma hard on you its because i want better for you than what i have, tim and i screwed up our lifes in some ways atleast thats some peoples opion and no we didnt do college and we lived pay check to pay check but someting i realized was as long as we were all together nothing else mattered. there was a period where i wondered why he stuck around why anyone would want to be with me, a person who is manic depresivwe cant work had trouble doing some of the dayley things but i realied that he love me and i think it was partly.. maybe even mostly because no matter what life threw at us, no matter who said we shouldnt or wouldnt make it no mater who came against us for wrong or right it was US AGAINST THE WORLD, even if he was dead wrong and i knew it i would stand by his side against anyone and defend him...oh yea in privite i would tell him what i thought or give him what for but to everyone ele we were a united front he would say when i was hurting i wish i could take your pain for you and i did the same when he was in paini would have taken the caner for him if i couldve i owuld have taken every ounce of pain and weakness and suffering and gone tjhrough it all so he didnt have to but i couldn't all i could do was stay by his side no matter what and take care of him the best i knew how (and since i took ccare of my mom too..its almost routine now) tim even suggested i become a nurse and his dying wish was to give me the wedding he had promised me no matter what the consequenses i was ready to forget the ceremony because i was affraid the stress pof it all would kill him, we weven had to move the weding from sunday to friday because he wa s so weak..i told him it was ok i knew he wanted it for us but i didnt want it to kill him and he was his stubborn self and said he wanted to do this, his mom told me if this is his dying wish then do it and that day was really his last good day, the next day he got up for a little bit but when i woke sunday morning i knew andi crawled in bed with him and thats where i satyed almost all dayhis nurses told me i was wrong he wouldnt die that day but he did. now my kids world and my world will never be the same, our daughters father wont be walking them down the isle he wont be there for there graduations from high school and college or to see their children born we won't grow old together or raise our kids together travel like we wanted to none of the things we thought we would have will be. i miss him so much i can never express it he was the air i breathed when i found tim i found the other half of myself and when he died so did half of me. i constantly here people ask "how are you doing".. i no longer know how to answer that question because most people that ask really do not want to know truely how i am doing but a few do..so i just say i am taking 1 day at a time or something to that effect, or i just say fine because i honestly do not know who wants to know and who doesnt. i also get asked alot are you married..and i look at them for a second like i dont know the answer then say widowed..no one knows how to respond but some of the responses i have gotten just blow me away. loosing you best friends cousins brother is nothing like loosing your spouse. loosing my mom was nothing like loosing tim yes they both hurt but each loss is different.. no i dont want you to be my first"lay" since my husband...i dont know if i want to ever want to date again..no i dont want to be alone forever but right now i cant see living my life with anyone but tim. i dont know where i am gonna go from here..hell i dont even know where i am now. i am not alive.. i live i breathe but i am walking through life in a daze..reality is going on around me but i am just wondering through life clueless as to what to do next, where to go from here, what i want for the future. i do know this i want to raise my kids to be good productive happy members of society i have no clue as how i will do this but i know i must do it. i know that i want to live to see my kids graduate high school and college find good carrers get married have babies and to see them truely happy i also know that i dont know how to live with out my best friend my love my other half.. i have always known i didnt want to live to be 100 and i am often asked wh, why i wouldnt want to live a long long life and the simple answer is my biggest fear is out living all that i love..if i live to be 100 my son would be 83...i hope my son lives to be 100 if thats what he wants but the simple fact of the matter is few people make it past there 80s or 90s and any parents biggest fear is out living there child...i have seen many mothers loose there children and everyone of them said the same thing to me.. a mother is not supposed to bury her children her children are supposed to bury me. no we dont want our kids to go through the pain of loosing us and living with that pain but its just not excpected to out livee your kids...if it was i doubt many people would have kids. so now you understand more of what i am feeling and all i can say is if you realy care about me and want to know how i am doing ask..and ask how are you really doing when i give you the bloww off answer so i know you really want to know. and call me, email me, drop by my house...i dont want to bother anyone with my "drama" or "problems" or whining ...or depress everyone so i may say somethingabout him but believe me i hold back 100 times what i let out..i need to let it oout but dont want to to someone who really could give a shit because all they are looking for is what they can get out of me. i have enough people depending on me and believe me i have more than my fair share off users ijn my life... i dont need anymore.
and by the way divorce is NOTHING..I DO MEAN NOTHING.. like your spouse dying i would know not only did tim died but we had a divorced at one point and we were both married before we married eachother. it is much easier to resent or hate or blame someone then to bury them even if they hurt you more than you could imagine. i had guys i was with do many things to me some things most people could never even imagine going through and i tell you now if i ever cared about them or someone they loved i would never wish death on them. the next tiime you try to wish harm on your e....think about this would you want harm to come to your child,brother,sister,mother just because they got a divorceno you wouldnt so dont wish harm on your ex..and if you must dont do it in my presence because there is a very good chance you are gonna get an earfull. i am not writing this to bitch or whine about my problemsbut i think people need to know my perspective on things...if you dont like what you read thats your opinion and you dont want to know my problems dont read this. but if you love me then you will be glad i finnaly got some shitoff my chest!!
i love y'all
tammy
