ewewish's blog: "Lessons"

She sits in her rocking chair looking at her back yard and sighs. Another day that her family doesn’t come to visit and that makes her angry. I deserve better she said to herself. After all I have done for them, I deserve better.

The cool spring wind blows over her as she rocks in her chair. She starts thinking back over her life and thoughts of the home she was raised in comes to mind. A shack really, she recalls, no siding like the houses today, just black tar paper. She remembers being teased in school for being poor and this angers her. How could her parents have lived like that, raised children like that?  I deserved better, she thought.

She thinks about going to school and how she had to work summers to help her parents pay for her college. She realizes that she is the only child of 9 that was able to go to college. She thinks back to the counselor at the college who told her she needed to attend more classes or she was not going to pass. She knew that she had been skipping a lot of classes but she had more important things to do. She was having fun for the first time in her life. She deserved to have fun after the way she was raised. She knew that she probably should have stayed in school but after the way that counselor spoke to her; she knew she had to quit. After all she deserved better.

She thinks of John, her first husband. He was working in a lumber mill when she met him but she knew he was going to go places. They got married in a quiet ceremony, which to this day makes her mad. She wanted a large wedding but her parents couldn’t afford it.  After a few years of marriage and a couple of kids, John and her were fighting all the time. It was then she started to resent him as he told her he didn’t want to do anything else but work in the lumber mill. He was happy there. She remembers getting so angry at him that she hit him, after all she deserved better.

After 10 years of marriage, John left her. She really wasn’t so upset that he left as what the neighbors would think. She sat at the table while he packed his clothes and never shed a tear. She had to make plans now. If John wasn’t going to support her how would she support herself?  How would she be able to afford to go shopping when she wanted to, buy clothes when she needed them, even if they weren’t the really stylish ones she wanted, how could she go to her club meetings with the same clothes all the time? She deserved better than this. As he walked out the door with his suitcase she screamed at him, “Go I don’t care if you go, I deserve better.” John turned and looked at her and said “Not as much as the children do.”

Time went on and she took a job in a store as a sales clerk. She hated the job but she had plans. She would work really hard and become a manager. She would show them how to run a store; they would have to make her a manager because she was going to be indispensable. A sales clerk job was just a stepping stone, she was going to be a manager, because she deserved better.  The day they told her they were letting her go because she was too pushy with the other employees and the customers was the day she realized that she was too good to work there anyway. Why would she want to be a manager of a small store when there was better things out there, besides she thought to herself, I deserve better.

Not long after that a man moved to town. He was older than her by 20 years but he had the look of money. That in her eyes made him attractive. She pursued him with a gusto; all the time telling herself that she just wanted to make a better life for her children, and besides she deserved him. Hadn’t she gone without all of her life, giving to everyone and never asking for anything in return?  

She finally got that big wedding that she wanted the day she married Roy. The entire town came to the wedding and she finally felt she was getting a little bit of what she deserved back for all the sacrifices she had made during her life.  She started the new roll as a rich wife putting her children in boarding schools across the country. She told herself that she was doing this for the good of the children and besides she just didn’t have time to spend with them. Being the wife of one of the wealthiest men in the town meant that she had to be in all of the ladies clubs. She of course, had to hold offices in all of these clubs after all she deserved it. 

The day came though slowly when she realized that each and every one of these clubs had eventually notified her that she was no longer wanted at these clubs. The members felt the direction she was trying to lead these clubs were not the direction the clubs were intended for. She was upset at the time, so what if they were losing members because of her rules. They were just women who were jealous of her anyway.

She continued to leave the house at the usual times for club meetings but only because Roy had cautioned her about alienating the women and she didn’t want to hear I told you so from him. What would he know about it anyway, he inherited his money; he never had to make the sacrifices she did. She deserved the respect of people, she deserved living in a fancy house and wearing fancy clothes, she deserved having everything money could buy.

She sits rocking in her chair as she thinks about the day that Roy went to the doctor. He hadn’t been feeling well and the doctor had wanted him to come in for tests. She remembers patting his hand and told him not to worry about it he was just getting older.  She started to worry as she heard the doctor tell Roy he had cancer.  It was too far spread to hope for a cure but there were some treatments that could possibly give him some extra time.

She sat there stunned, thoughts running through her mind. What was she going to do if Roy died? She had never asked but what if he hadn’t put her in his will? She knew that she could get some money from the estate because she was married to him, but what if it wasn’t enough? What if it wasn’t enough to keep the children in school, or enough so that she could still buy what she wanted?  Roy took her hand when she saw the panic on her face, “Don’t worry darling, we will just enjoy the time we have together.”  She looked at him in shock. She thought “typical Roy only thinking of himself.”

Nine weeks later she was planning Roy’s funeral.  The lawyer would not give her a hint of what the will said as it was Roy’s request that the will be read after the funeral. The lawyer told her that Roy felt she would be grieving so much that adding the thought of the will to it would just make it worse.  She tried not to show the lawyer just how angry that made her but she could tell by the look on his face that he could tell.

The children were all brought home for the funeral. They hadn’t really known their step father but they had to make a united front for the town.  They really didn’t want to be here, but they knew that if they didn’t come their mother would be very angry with them, besides they needed to know if there was enough money to keep them in school, after all they had lived with, they deserved that much.

When the funeral was over the family joined the attorney in the study of the house that Roy had built just the way she wanted it done.  He started to read the will……….”to my step children I leave you enough money to carry you through college. We never had a chance to get to know each other but I have hopes that each of you will finish college and become a success”  The children sighed in relief “good, I have the money I need….for now” was the thought that came to each one.

“To my loving wife, I leave you the house and a yearly allowance to maintain the house and to give you a comfortable living. The rest of my money and assets will be divided equally among the living blood relatives I have.” When the lawyer finished reading he looked up to see anger in her face.  He had dreaded this moment from the time that Roy had made this will out. It didn’t take her long to burst into screaming. “What the hell do you mean a yearly allowance? After all I did for him and I get an allowance? He left the rest to relatives he doesn’t even know and he left me hardly anything? I deserve better than this.  I am going to sue you and I am going to get that money. It’s mine. I deserve it.  The lawyer closed the file and looked at her with sadness in his eyes, “You can go ahead and sue, but it won’t change the will. You see, Roy left a stipulation in the will that if you did not get angry and was just grateful for what you got, that it was all to go to you, but if you reacted with anger than the will was to stand as I read it.”

She pulled her sweater around her shoulders; the wind was a little chilly today. She continues her thoughts of the past.  The children finished school and moved on with their lives. She usually got a card from them on holidays. Her trying to get the will changed; only to lose in court.  Having to make do with a lot of things because the yearly allowance was hard to stretch. She shook her head as she realized that her house was falling down around her but sometimes she had to let things slide to be able to afford the things she wanted.  She leaned back with her eyes closed and thought “I deserved better than this”

How many times have we thought the same? Instead of being grateful for what we have, we think we deserve better. How many times do we blame others for our failures instead of taking the responsibility on ourselves? Do we have the power to control our destiny or does it just happen?  Should bad things only happen to bad people, or must we experience the bad to be grateful for the good things in life? Today, I am grateful for everything I have. The love of my family, the love of my friends, the love I am capable of giving back to both. There is so much that I am grateful for.  Today I will remember it all and know that anything I have I have put effort into. I never want to end up like that lady in the rocking chair.  Do you deserve better?