Entry for March 03, 2008 HOW HOT DO YOU LIKE IT?
HOT WAX FETISH
For a first foray into the realm of bdsm many lovers choose to use wax. It is a very distinctive and unique sensation. One people usually love or hate. I thought I'd put together a few tips for beginners so they can do this with a maximum amount of safety.
First a word of caution. Wax can burn very badly. If you want to care for you partner in a way conducive to your being able to play again, you need to be careful.
TYPE OF CANDLES and WAX
There are many different types of candles available. The degree of heat of the dripping wax varies depending on the materials from which the candle is constructed. Beeswax is the hottest, and something that a beginner should avoid. I would recommend that a person not use it at all, but some experienced players do use this type of candle. It can cause second or third degree burns as there is often honey left in the beeswax which gives the candles their distinctive pleasant smell, but also holds the heat.
Other types of materials also cause the candles to burn hotter. You may see information that says the color of the candle makes a difference, and that is not actually true. Additives do make a difference, but the ones to watch out for are hardeners such as those used in dripless candles. Often the most expensive candles are the ones that burn with the highest degree of heat, for a beginner you will want to start with cheap, paraffin based ones. In my experience whether the candle is white or red or yellow actually makes little difference.
My favorites for someone just starting out are the novena candles available in the Hispanic section of most grocery stores (at least those in larger areas). They come in tall glass containers, and you can buy them without the religious pictures. The wax is very cool compared to most others, so a good choice for a first time. Another possibility are the emergency candles sold for times your electricity goes out. They too are usually very low temperature.
WORKING WITH WAX
The best way to see how a candle feels is to test it out on yourself. Allpeople do not have the same degree of pain tolerance but it will give you an idea. Light the candle, making sure you have a good place to set it down. If you have the novena candles the container is built in, if you are using a taper candle, make sure you have a holder that the candle fits snugly into, and the base is wide enough to avoid easy tipping. Never forget that you are literally playing with fire, and the few extra cents spent on a good candle holder are little weighed against a fire from a tipped candle.
Oh... I always have something nearby just in case a fire does get started, after all, if you have a bound and helpless person under your care, you will want to do your best honor their trust. A small fire extinguisher is not that expensive. At the very least a container of water and something to use smothering the fire should be nearby.
Okay, that said back to testing. Light the candle and set it aside to burn for a few moments. This will allow a small pool of wax to build up around the burning wick. Once you see a pool there hold your forearm out and holding the candle about a foot from your arm, tip it until one or two drops fall onto your arm. Use the sensitive skin on your wrist or elbow to get a feel for how hot this candle is.
I find the pain from wax to be a unique feeling. Very intense, but concentrated in a very small area. It happens to be one of my favorite kinds of painplay.
Once you know what kind of candle you are going to use (and you might choose a couple, a cooler one to begin with, graduating to a hotter one) you will be ready to experiment with your partner.
Many people find that being tied and blindfolded during wax play heightensthe sensations, not knowing where the next drop will fall, and being unable to move away from it can add a great deal to the erotic sensations.
Where to begin dropping the wax is mostly a matter of preference. But I would recommend, especially in the beginning, starting on the belly or back.
Drop a few drops and carefully note your partner's reaction. You can vary the heat of the drops by holding the candle lower or higher. Again, make sure you have a good idea of just how hot this is. Burns, especially on sensitive tissue are not usually much fun.
I have found in my experience that some of the most sensitive areas on both sexes are the inner thighs, the area of the belly that joins the hip, the nipples, and the genitals. I begin in a less sensitive area, moving to an occasionally drop on a highly sensitive one.
Remember that if you drop wax on top of wax, it will hold the heat in and possibly cause burns, so be careful when you layer.
REMOVING THE WAX
Peeling bits of wax off, is almost as much fun as dropping it. As it pulls away from the skin, the sensation is again intense, and running a feather or fingernails or even a tongue over this sensitized skin is a very sexy way to prolong the 'waxing' session.
Wax cleanup is a pain, and I always put down a shower curtain that I cover with an old sheet, and have my partner lay on that. I do not want to ruin my sheets and wax is not washable, so I use an old one I can just toss after awhile.
Some people advocate oiling the skin before you drop the wax, this makes cleanup especially areas with hair, as in pubic areas or the chests of some males. This will make the cleanup much easier, as the wax does not adhere, but you must remember the oil will make the wax seem a bit hotter, and you cannot do the trick with the pulling away of the wax.
I have seen people use vampire gloves or those pet brushes sometimes used for sensation play, as an easier way to take the wax off, they work well, and do add another twist to your session.
Remember, wax has the potential to damage your partner... play safe.
NOW ONTO THE THOUGHTS OF BEING INVOLVED WITH A SUBMISSIVE
Above all else the Dominant cherishes his submissive, in the knowledge that the gift she gives him is the greatest of all. He is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to him, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.
He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character.
In times of trouble, a Master Dominant will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask a submissive to put him before her career, or family, just to satisfy his own pleasure.
To win his submissive's mind, body and soul, he knows he must first win her trust. He will show his submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.
He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, he will fight for his ladies' honor. He proves to her that he is someone she can lean on, and depend on.
He is old-fashioned enough to be a bit of a chauvinist, yet modern enough to respect his woman. Quick to point out the differences between them, he also knows there is no inferiority in those differences.
When it comes time to teach his submissive her lessons of obedience, he is a strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student. He would never set a trap for his submissive so that he could punish her when she falls into it. Never does he use discipline without good reason. When he does, it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
He is a careful guide, with safety always his main concern. He knows how to use pain to extend the bounds of pleasure. Using pain is a specific method of foreplay used to enhance the sexual pleasure and experience. He is a mentor who can bring her to the edges of her envelope, and gently show her the inner courage to reach new heights.
He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they.
He never has to demand ritual behavior by her. She responds to him out the want of pleasing him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body, and never violates the trust given to him.
He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Courageous enough to accept assistance. Openminded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, paddle and blindfold. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love is the only binding that truly holds.
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Commands for my Submissives
Silence: Lower eyes and be silent. Present: Remove clothes, kneel with knees spread wide, back straight and head up, and eyes lowered, wrists crossed behind your back then say; "Presenting Master". Wait patiently for examination or instructions. Restrict: Simply cross wrists behind back. Rest: Kneeling & Sit on heels, legs spread and hands (palms up) on top of legs. Submit: Kneeling & Sit on heels, lean forward until head touches the ground. Place arms overhead with palms up and wrists crossed. Expose (or Gorean) Submit: Kneel then sit back on heels, lean back until your back rests on the ground and keeping legs wide apart, place your hands over your head with wrists crossed. Resume: Cancels Previous Command.
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Basic rules
Always ask permission to cum....
Never be disrespectful to your master or OTHERS.
Do not submit to be passed around as a sexual favor between Doms.
Use your safe word to stop unwanted activity. We can talk about why after. You will never be punished for using it.
Always respect the female Domme.... always address her as Mistress.
Remain constantly alert attempting to anticipate your Masters desire.
Follow instructions exactly and immediately.
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Safety rules
Do not allow permanent injury, scaring, cutting, burning.
Never leave nipple clamps on for more than 15 minutes. Allow blood to circulate.
Never allow yourself to be struck on ovaries or kidneys.
Always use the safe word if suspended and limbs become cold or numb.
Never allow yourself to be hit with whip or crop on the tailbone, head or neck.
DOMINATION THOUGHTS ...IS IT A PASSING FANTASY OR ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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for Issue number 35 Monday, August 12, 2002
Things To Know about Training a Slave
by Jack Rinella
At the recent Ms. World Contest my friend Beverly, who loves to sell books at her vendor booth, asked me to name the title of a "good" slave training manual. "Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual" is unfortunately out of print, but I hear it will soon return. Obviously you can also consult my two books, "The Master‚s Manual" and "The Compleat Slave." I also recommend Guy Baldwin's "SlaveCraft." In the meantime here's my scope on it, with apologies to those who aren't into D/s as deeply as some of us.
Know what you Want | The Real Dynamic | Inspire | Communicate your Desires | Teach Technique |Reward Often
Communicate your Feelings | Explain when you Train | Punish when Necessary | Show and Share your Pride
1. Know what you want.
A master must be able to inspire confidence in others because he or she knows what they want, which implies that you know yourself and have scoped out what you want your slave to be and to do. You're going to have to share your fantasy master/slave relationship with your prospects anyway, so this first step in training must happen if you want to find someone to agree to help you achieve your goals.
I wrote my expectations out, refining them over weeks and then years until it was fairly comprehensive. Putting your fantasy on paper will help you to know it, and share it better. Be careful, though, since what is written will seldom, if ever, become what is lived. It is only a tool, and has neither the power of law nor scripture. Let it live, grow and change with you and your understanding of what you really want.
2. Understand the real dynamic.
Master/slave relationships are best built on principles, not rules and regulations. Getting someone to do something, for instance, works in the short run, getting them to obey is better for the long term. If you pile high the rules they will stifle both of you and be quickly discarded anyway. Well thought-out principles, on the other hand, will stand the test of time. Remember, too, that things are always what they appear to be. What is he or she thinking? What is not being said? What are the underlying issues that are affecting your relationship? When it comes to relationships, superficiality is our worse enemy. The real dynamic here is that this is a relationship not a scene and if you treat it as a scene, it will be over in the morning.
3. Inspire.
Assuming that you have found the right person, which is not easy and assumptions are dangerous, you and he or she have to agree that what you want is what both of you want. Together you must come to a mutually-shared vision of what it means to be a master, a slave, and a master and slave in relationship with each other.
It's for that reason that knowing what you want is so important, since the vision you have you must be able to share. Slaves, of course, have the same responsibility. Their task, really, is to find a master who will understand their vision for life and own it as his own as well. Returning to the idea of dynamic, each is going to empower the other to attain their own goals.
4. Communicate your desires.
This step covers both the grand picture and the devil that is in the details. What does it mean to "clean the
bathroom"? How clean do you want it and what will it look like when it is cleaned to your satisfaction? How should the slave stand? More importantly, why does the master want the slave to stand that way?
Share your desires from their depths. Give reasons, purposes, and explanations to the best of your ability as to why you want such and such done in a certain way. Let them know what you‚re thinking, feeling, and
desiring and why this certain detail is so important. If it's not important then get over it and let it go.
5. Teach technique.
Never let a teachable moment pass without sharing the lesson. Remind the slave as to what is needed on his or her part. Say helpful things like "Breathe. It'll make the pain less intense," or "This is the way I like my drink mixed." Unless you give clear instructions you will never get what you want. The master is required to communicate his or her desires. Masters who expect their submissives to be mind readers are
asking for failure.
6. Reward often. The master/slave relationship, like all other relationships, is a two-way street. Both of you have to find pleasure in it. Unless the slave realizes real benefits from his or her service to you, there will be no incentive to continue. Reward verbally, especially when it‚s least expected. Praise often. Use small gestures, touches, and phrases to slip in compliments and thanks often. Pat his or her ass. Tell him he's done a good job. Say you liked what you liked.
Allow them their pleasures as well, be it sexual release or cuddle time or a fancy dinner out. Give to them liberally and they will return your gift with love and devotion.
7. Communicate your feelings.
I really do have to emphasize the mind-reading problem. Not only is it imperative to reward verbally, but it is equally necessary to let your slave know what is wrong and what behaviors you wished changed. Be careful not to do so in anger. Instead establish regular times when you can both discuss the relationship and how
each of your needs can be met. The "your" in the last sentence is plural. Both of you have needs and all of them need to be addressed, if not satisfied.
8. Explain when you train.
We are dealing with humans here, folks. Though there is a component of training that can be rote, giving reasons will both reinforce the activity and make it more meaningful to the slave. This step could also be written as Train holistically." Let your training include the mind as well as the spirit and the body and every other aspect of human life.
9. Punish when necessary.
Punishment is never to be done for pleasure. You can take your sadistic pleasure anytime you want. Punishment is meant to be disincentive to repetition of the activity. Make it fit the crime, so to speak and make it rather immediate. Once administered let it be done, and done forever. Never punish in anger. If you're angry, figure out why and let your anger be channeled somewhere else in a constructive way.
10. Show and share your pride.
Let others know how happy you are with your property. It is a high form of praise and an excellent reward. Yes, they will blush but will be pleased anyway. Believe me, slaves need to be pleased. In fact without giving them their share of pleasure there will be no slavery. Without slavery, there will be no master
