JadedTink's blog: "Feelings"

So with everything goin on lately, and my mind swimming around with all the words said, promises made, lies told, and hearts breaking, I decided it was time to put my thoughts into words and write it out so that maybe I can work through all of it and decide what to do about things. So here goes......

To Whom This is directed at, (and yes I'm pretty sure you know who its to and about)

You told me that you loved me, would never leave me, would be by my side forever, I was your bestfriend and you lover, that you wanted to marry me one day and make our family complete. So, then tell me, why arnt we happy liked we were before you got here? How did we go from bein so in love to not even being in the same room with each other? You wanna say its because of my family, but to me that's just an excuse, something you can put blame on so that you dont have to deal with the real issues, the real problems, and the real thoughts in your head.

It's simple, you either want what we had and are willing to work it out, fix it and be together, or you want to leave and go do whatever it is you wanna do. I love you with all my heart but I can not and I will not be in a relationship where I feel like I am on the outside looking in, where I am not part of your life the way I used to be, and where I do not feel like you love me anymore. Hell at this point I wonder if you ever even loved me at all, or if its just a game to you.

What I do know is that when you start pushing aside the person you are supposed to love to spend time with everyone else but them, then there is a problem, and that problem is not with me. I am not perfect, I never claimed to be, but I am a good woman, I try to be, I do everything I can to try to make you happy, and it just seems like I am not good enough for you, or that I am lacking somehow. I was good enough for you when we started this I should be good enough for you now... But it just doesnt seem like you were ever really here with me. I was just an option to you at the time. I sat and went through all of our old conversations, line for line, word for word, letting the memories flood my mind, remembering when we were actually happy and in love, and again I wonder, where did it go wrong, when did things change, when did I become not good enough for you? 

If you want to stay and actually fight for our relationship, then do it and say thats what you want. If you want to leave, whether its to be with someone else, or just cuz you dont love me anymore, then say it and do it, but be a man about it and be honest and tell me. Stop using the exscuse that you need to think it all out and then decide. If it takes you 4 days to think things over then maybe just maybe, there is something you feel is worth fighting for, or maybe you just dont want to tell me how you really feel because you dont want to hurt me. Well guess what? Im already hurting so you being honest isnt goin to hurt any more then what I am already feeling, atleast then, I would know the truth. 

I have said it before, I will say it again, no matter what you think, I have loved you since the first time I said I love you, and even now sitting here writing this all out, I still love you. I am IN LOVE with you, my world starts and ends with you and my kids. All I wanted was for you to accept me without reservations, love me without restrictions, and to actually show me that you love and care about me, I didnt think that was too much to ask for. I didnt expect you to be a knight in shining armor to come pick me up and carry me around when I've fallen, I didn't expect you to be a saviour for me or anyone else. I just wanted someone that would accept me the way I am and love me uncondtionally the way that I love you. 

You can take this how you want to, you can do what you want with it, you can talk about me like I'm nothing to you, you can do whatever you want to. But, atleast now I can sit here and say I told you how I feel and I told you whats going on in my mind, and you cant say I didnt tell you anything. You can take it and do what you want with it.