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It is always interesting watching people move on within their lives, get married, have kids, etc. Then I take a long hard look at my life, and wonder where it all took a wrong turn. Sure I have some great friends, and family, and I am grateful for that. But I know that because that I don't make hundeds of thosands of dollars, and I don't have an executive job somwhere, that I am looked at as just nothing in this world. I am a person though I do have feelings but hate showing them because they get chewed on and spit out. For years I have just been trying to be more open even thought it scares me on the inside because of my past experiences, yes that is right I said it I get scared inside, about opening up about my feelings, especially to women!!! That is something I can say terrifies me. I know myself I look to deep into things and over analyze things, and it blocks my thoughts. I,wish just for once I can open up be me and not be terrified within. I know I am not getting any younger, and I just see the days slipping on by, and just feeling regret and disappointment, and somedays just depressed.
I wonder and think what if my 18 year old or even 20 year old self were to see me today!! What would they say??? Probably just look down, walk away shaking their head in disappointment. Do you whats sad, when I try to attempt to make conversation, with a young lady or women, that I,am interested in, and even before that i look at their hands looking to see if they have a ring on, cause me being me I see that I,am,like well,that wont work.yeah I know I,should be better or more experienced at this is what everyone thinks and all, but its just the opposite I am,totally inexperienced.
Well I,think that enough tonight, i can go to the one place i can,try and be happy which is my dreams.
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