VIPER's blog: "Just me"

Hi, it's me once again. Where do I start. 5 years ago I met this most amazing person. She and I quickly became the best of friends. I had begun to love her as the friendship grew. Many others from here made all these promises to her and not one fulfilled any promise made. As our relationship grew, I said to her, you know what? I am coming to visit you. I never expected anything, I was coming to visit my best friend. Well that visit solidified a love which I never once looked back. During our relationship we have had many ups and downs. We always attempted to communicate and resolve anything. Now after 2 years of placing myself through stress, I am now a massage therapist. Getting back to our relationship, Jenna and I have gone on vacation together, we have fun when we are together in person. Yet distance hasn't kept me from being devoted to this woman. There is nothing I would not do for her. Now I want to permanantly be in her life. I am not understanding how someone's feelings after 5 years could change. Yes I can be jealous at times, BUT i know I hold a piece of her heart. To anyone who reads this, I would take any advice you wish to give me. Am i wasting my time to hold onto something I hold so dearly?

I know i do not write much about myself but here goes..I am not the easiest person to get along with yet be with. I know i have my imperfections which I feel I am flawed and broken.I seek help professionally and am medicated to try and fix this..I know it is going to take time for this all to transpire and I never seek to upset or irritate anyone. Jenna you have been there for me through thick and thin, and for that i can thank you enough..I know i am a handfull at times. I would never hurt you. You are everything I look forward to when I wake up and when i go to bed. You are the woman of my dreams.. I do feel flawed and fell i can never add up to your expectations. I wish I could be the one for you immediately.I do want to spend an eternity with you. Yes you can scream, hit, even shake me.. When you feel I do not listen i really do.. Yes past is past and this is now..I am owning up to my own responsibilities

I write this out of disgust for myself and hate towards me.. I wish I could erase and remove things I have done and said in the past.. I have done and said terrible things I have regretted and even feel ashamed for.. As a person I feel worthless and have come to the point of just giving up on everything.. The minute I try to even get a glimpse of happiness it is torn away from me life a piece of paper..One person comes into my life and she is my absolute everything. Yet because of a past I hate so much..like everything I will probably lose that as well..

To those who know me i am a very caring/giving person..To those who hate me I no longer care, my heart is dull and dead..To those who love and care for me or say you do.. Until you firmly take a chance to really get to know me, then you dont. To the one person who means everything to me.. you really do mean everything to me and i will continue to fight for us.

If i lose you..i have lost everything and I shall give up on existence

I KNOW I NEVER SAY MUCH.. BUT HERE GOES.. i GIVE MY 100% AT EVERYTHING I DO...LATELY ALL I SEEM TO DO IS MESS THINGS UPS... I HAVE ONE PERSON IN MY LIFE.. SHE KNOWS WHO SHE IS.. SHE IS MY COMPLETE EVERYTHING.. WHEN THE CARDS ARE ALL DOWN SHE HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME.. FOR THAT I LOVE YOU DEARLY..THERE ARE POSSIBLY GOING TO BE SOME SERIOUS LIFE CHANGES IN MY NEAR FUTURE.. THOSE WHO KNOW ME.. I AM A VERY CARING PERSON.. I PUT OTHERS BEFORE ME... RIGHT NOW I NEED HELP WITH MAKING THESE LIFE CHANGES.. 

BABY.. I KNOW YOU WILL STAND BESIDE ME THROUGH ALL THIS...YES I MAKE MISTAKES BUT FOR ME TO BE CRUCIFIED FOR IT THAT IS WHAT GUTS ME... SO I DO THANK EVERYONE WHO READS THIS... SEND ALL YOUR PRAYERS MY WAY