I'm becoming terribly resigned. pretty much just life in general I'm resigned to love, and don't even know if I believe in it anymore. there's plenty of signs in my life that point to YES and I should believe, but I'm not so sure if it's going to wander my way any time soon. I'm resigned to the passage of time, I can do nothing to stop it. it will continually speed up and unless I accept it, I'll simply be drug behind it.
Maybe it's not even really resign. maybe it's just apathy. I can feel that old numbness creeping back up my spine, just waiting to take over again. I hated those days. I was such a mess. I felt nothing for a months. nothing hurt, nothing was pleasurable, nothing was tolerable and nothing set me in any direction except further into complete indifference. I don't know the exact moment when it happened. but I became a former shell of myself.
My inspiration has been lacking. Am I only the only person in the world who literally acts out scenarios? I'll come up with something in my head and then, aloud, I answer my role out loud. whomever is in my head reacts and I continue to run with it. it happens a lot and makes me sound a little crazy. daydreaming is a solid part of my reality.
Sometimes it just strikes me how terribly needy I seem to be, how insecure and unsure of myself...
I need people so badly. I mask my desire behind a cynical facade of bitterness and beneath it all...there is still a ton of cynicism...but I swear to God, somewhere in there is a heart that still beats with the fierce hope of ... something.
I almost typed love...but i'm not sure if it's really what I'm looking for. I'm not necessarily looking for someone to make me happy...perhaps someone who is as unhappy as I and we can revel in our unhappiness together and somehow everything will seem OK then.
