Well, the kids are gone again....
I have had some time to think today...(I know a lot of you will say not again ....and that some people will hear this that shouldn't but oh well....)
And I have come to the conclusion I don't like myself!
After 15 years of being with the same person...Not doing a lot of the things I could have or should have done.... I feel I should have been a better father, husband, and protector of my family. After my accident I tried to be that person and I have come to the conclusion that maybe what I have been told here recently is just the plain ole hurtgul truth! "...It's too little, too late...!" No matter what I done there was always something missing, no matter how one sided it is, the truth hurts!
Did I do too much, or too little? That's the one question that I'm left to answer everyday, and I just can't seem to find the answer! I tried I really did!
Being married, you find yourself, If you truly care for that person, wanting to express yourself in many ways. From saying those three simple words that can bring so much joy but yet so much pain at the same time. Even after my accident, (In which made me see the errors of my ways and life) I began trying to correct myself, give more, trying to be the person I wasn't in the past and to prove, not only to myself but others that I had changed. Things only got worse!!!!
I would have never thought I would loose the things in life that meant the most to me; My career,my friends, and most of all my family! My kids, I love them more than life itself...and now I've lost them. Never mind the wife, those things have a tendacy to heal themselves..in time. I know everyone keeps telling me, "they will always be your kids", "You will always be their father, and you will always be there for them..." Yeah that's true! But, not like a father is supposed to be at home, teaching them those little "life lessons", and watching those "priceless growing up" moments. I have to do those from a distance now.....
I would be lying if I didn't say I still cared about her...How can someone not after being with one person for 15 years? I do miss her, even after the "activities" in which she was a willing participant. but one can only do so much! Resentment can make you turn so bitter and cold! And, that's the part of my life I'm in right now.... I believed every word she said, and acted like a fool and continued to do things in hopes she would see that I had changed. I tried to do the right thing, but instead I came out looking like the clown.
I too wanted to have someone to comfort me, but I sat alone, while everything was changing around me. I saw what was happening and kept ignoring the problem, looking for proof instead. Maybe if I had done something instead? The worse pain I have found is lying down at night, stretching my arms out in search of warmth only to have my arms drape across some cold sheets and to know the truth... That it is gone!!!!
I have finally decided, that after all the torment that I have put myself and everyone else through, and all the tears I have shed and caused, the heartache and pain that I have felt and put others through it's time to STOP! If they truly care they will return, if it's meant to be then it will happen, why fight it anymore!
Of course, REJECTION is one of the most painful things in this world on can feel, especially if you feel it from someone you truly care about! It doesn't get better overnight, and all I have now is time ......................
