...if you're in the West Michigan area, I'm particularly interested in hearing from you... so stop in and ask what's up! But, I'll accept any messages from anyone... gotta get to Godfather somehow!

Music:

I can't figure out how to embed it in here, but I've programmed an electronic radio station with the best in modern rock, alternative, and adult album alternative music all flowing together in perfect harmony over at:

RADIO X

Enjoy...! ;)

I've just found a way to prevent computer viruses!

I made you something...

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.” The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question?
Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants”

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?”
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry answered.
Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms. Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms. Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Then best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms. Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms. Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

...a few things to make you go hmmmm....

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Are you all tied up & can't get through to anyone on the phone? Here are actual answering machine greetings recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machines.

* My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

* Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

* Hi. Now you say something.

* Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

* Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

* Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I'll call sooner!

* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

* Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

* Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

* This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

* If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.