jacki628's blog: "random thoughts..old"

I havent dont this in a while, like free write i mean . I guess ive just had alot of time to think today - - I took this weekend and spent it with friends i havent seen in months, close friends i see everyday, and my family , and it really made me realize how lucky I am in life . . . sometimes I get caught up in the everyday chaos , and I know im not the only one guilty of it, but since friday ive really taken a look around and realized how lucky / blessed i Am . . 09 was a crazy year for me, alot of accomplishments, along with alot of failures, alot of joy that went hand in hand with dissapoinement. Ive been up and down with alot of people in my life, as well as myself... ive been dissapointed in both partys at some point or another and for a while I really lost sight of whats important.. I realize now that i woke up breathing today, not every1 can say that. . i walked downstairs and my mom was makIng me coffee, someday that will be a thing of the past, I blew out candles surrounded by people that honestly and truely love me, and some people will never know that feeling. Like i said before, 09 was a rollercoaster,especially this summer and fall... I've discovered so many things about myself, Like how strong I can be when I have to, How determained I can be when I really want something, even when the odds are against me, and how well I can do for myself when Im surrounded with doubt . Ive learned so much about life/ and other people too, in ways such as, never judge a book by its cover, the people you think you would neveer have anything in common with are actually the coolest people you'll meet, that age is only a number and doesnt have much to do with whats in their heart or their soul, Ive also learned that sometimes life sucks, that it gets hard and just when you think it couldnt get worse it does, and in some sense you feel jipped, leaving you to feel angry and bitter, and believe me Ive been there. . . so consumed by all the negitives in life that i didnt think I could get past it, at some point i made no attempt to, i settled, and it was then i realized that it wasnt the world jipping me, i was jipping myself, I stoped ME from enjoying life, not the world. . I also spent alot of time blaming people for my life being not upto par with how i thought it should, and i llook back now and see how naive and ignorant that was. . . i also picked up a bad habbit of blaming the wrong people for things that others have done to me, and i have made a personal promise myself never to do that again because I have lost things/people because of it that I will never get back, and though its sad its like i said. . i cant focus on that ,i cant think about it or get caught up in it, becaus like it or not, point blank - - it happened, they are gone and that is life and the only thing that would be TRULY sad is it i sat around and dwelled on it and totally ignored the people that are still here, that were victiims of a very confused and angry me, that have seen me at my worst and dont look at me different. .perhaps its because they realize I am human and though I try to be, i wont always be the best, or the strongest , and i feel like maybe sometimes i need to learn to be okay with that too.

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I remember graduating high school and I felt like I had my whole life figurred out, and only half a year later did it take me to realize how wrong i was, Because according to 18 year old and ahalf me, I should be rich right now, partying every night with my firends, i should know exactly where im going, I should feel free because I no longer have to go to high school, and i should feel on top of the world, and to be honest nothing has gone as planned, im in between jobs i am just getting by bartending, I have lost a childhood friend due to drunk driving, I have no idea where im going in life or what I want to do, and sometimes i dont feel on top of the world, i feel like the worlds on top of me and wont let off. . and as crazy as this all sounds, I have realized that all those things i just listed , as shitty as they sound, are whats going to make my future all that it can be, we need to realize were not here to do one specific thing or be a certain way, were on a journey, were constantly learning things about the world, about ourselves and to be honest it really doesnt matter if you end up where you think your supposed to be, because if you can look in the mirror everyday with the mindstate that okay, maybe i didnt get the high paying job, or damn this boy didnt call me back , if u know you did the best you could do and you can go to sleep at night peacfully knowing that, youve already won. . . lifes not about the money, orr having the most attractive boyfriend/ girlfriend, or the biggest house - - its about enjoying your journey, we need to stop being so worried abotu where were going to end up, we just need to focus more on the path were on in the moment, cuz if theres one thing i learned about moments, is thats all they are and weather they are blissfull or depressing you will never get them back, so hold onto them, if their happy try to burn the memory into your brain and if their sad, take all you can from it and remember that feeling, so maybe the next time you come to a fork in the road, youll know which one to go down, and which one to avoid . .

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i dont relaly know where im going with any of this, im on my second joint about to meet up with some friends and smoke some more weed and probably be more out there and think more deeply, ive probably repeated words and spelt alot of things wrong or just talked in complete circles, butt this whole thing is about contentment, with yourself. . . and though i know im not completly there im as close as ive ever been and it feels great. . for the first time in 19 years i really feel like i have an idea of who i am - - oh well enough of this , , tiMe to blow one dowN for carl, RIP man i can never sotp thinkIn of you . .