I sit here alone tonight and wonder. Why so cold? Why so alone? Why so trapped? And most of all where did I go so wrong? At this point I can’t help but wonder if things will always look this bleak for me. I feel that I’ve thoroughly fucked off every decent break or step-up I’ve ever had in my life. Truth be told, I nearly have. All I really want is to be able to feel like I’m doing the best possible with what I’ve been given.
The cold I think is mostly the effect of presenting such an uncaring façade for so long. Casual relationships in any capacity absolutely drain me. It’s much easier to go through life an utter bitch than to deal with the feelings of people I may or may not ever see again. I just haven’t the expendable energy for acquaintances. I suppose the flip-side to this coin is that while it may take a while to crack the shell, once you get me to befriend you, it lasts a lifetime. I also suppose it’s possible that I’m getting more skilled at discerning who is worth befriending earlier on in the relationship. It’s all what you make of it I guess.
The solitude was, for a very long time, a necessity for me. Mostly because of my inability to cope with drama in my life. I’ve created so much of it for myself unknowingly that I just don’t have the capacity to take on more from the outside. Maybe even I’m somewhat sub-par in my interpersonal skills, which is entirely possible. Dealing with myself all my life has often been more than I could handle. Including others in my life has often been an impossible task. Again, the b-side to the scenario is that I am very capable and self-reliant where I see so many others that aren’t. It’s also likely that I’ve not been through the torment that many relationships seem to inflict.
Feeling trapped, I think, is likely me learning my old ways may not be the best solutions. As I age, growing in maturity and wisdom, it appears there may be other means of handling things. Breaking a years old habit in search of a new solution isn’t always particularly easy and often leaves me feeling trapped in an old behavior while I’m working to adopt a new one. Finding I couldn’t make the transitions completely independent has been humbling and often times leaves me feeling more entrapped than making my own uneducated decisions ever could. I’m not sure there’s a shred of positivity to be found in this aspect. Maybe, and only maybe it could be an ability to stand strong in the face of adversity. On the grounds that if one can stand against oneself successfully, then one can stand against anything.
I’ve gone wrong at nearly every juncture in my life that I haven’t had a clear-cut choice to make. It seems as though this is nothing more than me trying to protect myself from everything that intimidates or scares me; the things I know I can’t handle, the things I can’t accept, and the things too far beyond my comprehension to even attempt to concern myself with. Needing to be isolated and alone within myself has very likely driven me into this whole I now struggle to climb out of. Not knowing what to do with myself and being too scared and far too proud to seek instruction or assistance is most likely my biggest downfall.
Some of my introspection is helping me and I’m hoping that’s the case at the moment. That’s why I’m even saving this little dissertation to myself. Reminding myself that I’m taking the right steps. I’m beginning to put the pieces that are me back into one. I know I have made steps, but sometimes the going is so slow and the steps are so small that I forget they have happened. I must remind myself I’m strong and capable and if I could handle everything life has thrown at me thus far then I can surely handle the integration of mind it will take to propel me to a new height and a new standard of life. I can exist in my way but I can excel with the proper guidance and introspection. I’m taking steps. Small ones, but nevertheless they exist and I am doing my very best to not look back and to be proud of where I am at this moment.
