FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW IT, HAWG IS A MONIKER OF WHICH I AM VERY PROUD. I DID, IN FACT, SPEND NEARLY SEVEN YEARS OF MY LIFE RIDING WITH AN "OUTLAW" GANG. WHILE I CANNOT TELL YOU ABOUT A LOT OF MY EXPERIENCES AS AN "OUTLAW BIKER", (SOME CRIMES HAVE NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS) MY INITIATION IS QUITE A TALE NOW, HERE TOO, COMMON DECENCY (AND THE FEAR OF BEING NSFW’d) PREVENTS ME FROM TELLING YOU THE WHOLE STORY, BUT THERE IS ONE PARTICULAR ASPECT OF IT I BELIEVE YOU WILL ENJOY.
ONE OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR MEMBERSHIP WAS TO COMMIT A CRIME THAT WOULD CAUSE A FEDERAL WARRANT TO BE ISSUED FOR YOU. (THE OLD ONE HANG, WE ALL HANG ROUTINE) SOMETHING THAT CROSSED STATE LINES SO THE FBI WOULD BE CALLED IN. WELL, I COOKED UP A SCHEME TO STEAL A STATE TROOPER'S CAR AND DRIVE IT ACROSS A STATE LINE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY SPONSOR, AND THE CHARTER PRESIDENT THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST TOO FUNNY AND SANCTIONED THE DEED.
NOW, I MUST TELL YOU HERE, I DID HAVE AN "ACE IN THE HOLE", SO TO SPEAK. SEE, MY BROTHER WAS A STATE TROOPER, AND IF I COULD GET HIM TO GO ALONG, I COULD EAT MY CAKE AND HAVE IT TOO. I COULD GET INITIATED, AND NOT REALLY HAVE A FEDERAL WARRANT OUT FOR ME. WELL, AFTER MUCH DISCUSSION, AND A VERY LARGE PAYOFF, MY BROTHER AGREED TO HELP ME WITH MY PLAN. THE PLAN WAS SHEER GENIUS, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. I WOULD BE CRUISING NEAR THE LA / TEX BORDER AND HE WOULD BE CRUISING THE SAME STRETCH OF ROAD. I WOULD COMMIT AN INFRACTION; HE WOULD STOP ME; I WOULD KNOCK HIM DOWN, JUMP IN THE CAR AND DRIVE AWAY. MY CLUB BROTHERS, (AND WITNESSES) WOULD THEN RETRIEVE MY SCOOT AND RETURN IT SAFELY TO THE CLUBHOUSE, WHILE ANOTHER CLUB BROTHER PICKED ME UP AT THE DESIGNATED SITE.
GREAT PLAN, HUH?? WELL, THE NIGHT CAME AND I PUT MY PLAN INTO ACTION. I WAS CRUISING THE SPECIFIED STRETCH OF ROAD WHEN I SPOTTED THE CRUISER IN FRONT OF ME. I GASSED THE HOG AND SHOT PAST HIM AT ABOUT 100 MILES PER. WELL, THE LIGHTS CAME ON, THE SIREN SOUNDED AND THE CHASE WAS ON. I RAN FOR A WHILE JUST TO MAKE IT LOOK GOOD, THEN PULLED OVER. I GOT OFF MY SCOOT AND STARTED WALKING TOWARD THE POLICE CRUISER, ALL COCKY AND BADASS. THE DOOR OPENED AND MY HEART STOPPED !! THE TROOPER WAS NOT MY BROTHER !! I HAD NEVER SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE.
NOW, THE THING YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER IS THAT THERE WERE THREE OF MY POTENTIAL CLUB BROTHERS, HIDING IN THE WEEDS, WATCHING ME. IF I DIDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT, I WOULD BE DEAD BEFORE THE INK WAS DRY ON THE TICKET. SO I WALKED ON TO THE CRUISER AND WAITED MY CHANCE. MY HEART WAS RACING AND I WAS SWEATING LIKE A PROSTITUTE IN CHURCH, BUT I HAD NO CHOICE, I HAD TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. THEN, MY CHANCE CAME. THE TROOPER DROPPED HIS PEN. AS HE BENT OVER TO PICK IT UP, I KICKED HIM SQUARE IN THE HEAD AND HE WENT DOWN IN A LUMP. I JUMPED IN THE CRUISER AND SPED AWAY, MY HEART NOW POUNDING SO HARD I COULD HEAR IT IN MY EARS. I HAD DONE IT AND IT HAD BEEN WITNESSED. I WAS IN.......... BUT I WAS A FEDERAL FELON, AS WELL.
I CROSSED THE STATE LINE AND PULLED INTO THE REST AREA ON THE OTHER SIDE. MY CLUB BROTHER WAS WAITING THERE, JUST AS PLANNED AND WE KEPT TO THE BACKROADS GOING BACK TO THE CLUBHOUSE. I GOT A STRANGE SENSE OF COMFORT WHEN WE PULLED IN AT THE CLUBHOUSE AND I SAW MY SCOOT, SAFE AND SOUND, THERE. VERY LITTLE COMFORT THOUGH................. UNTIL I WENT INSIDE. I WAS "KING OF THE CLUBHOUSE" FOR THE NIGHT. WHAT IS "KING OF THE CLUBHOUSE", YOU ASK?? WELL LADIES, SUFFICE IT TO SAY, IF YOU WERE THERE THAT NIGHT, THEN WE KNOW EACH OTHER VERY, VERY WELL. AND GUYS, LET'S JUST SAY IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING.
THE NIGHT'S DEBAUCHERY TURNED INTO THE NEXT DAY, HOWEVER, AND COLD HARD REALITY GRIPPED ME AGAIN. I HAD ASSAULTED A STATE TROOPER AND STOLEN HIS CAR. IT WAS NOT A HAPPY DAY. I LAID LOW FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AT THE CLUBHOUSE, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, THEN CABIN FEVER BEGAN TO SET IN. THAT, AND THE REALIZATION THAT I HAD BEEN SET UP BY MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD BROTHER. YEAH......... I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED IT SOONER, BUT HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK HERE, I WAS ONLY 15 AT THE TIME AND YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION AND LET'S SEE HOW CLEARLY YOU THINK. ANYWAY, I DECIDED TO COME OUT OF HIDING AND GO FIND THAT ^&$$#@*&@#$%^%$ BROTHER OF MINE.
I WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND WAITED DOWN THE BLOCK. I WAS SO MAD, IT IS A GOOD THING HE WASN'T HOME, CAUSE I TRULY BELIEVE I WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM. WHEN I SAW HIS CRUISER MAKE THE TURN ONTO THE STREET, I FIRED UP THE HOG AND MET HIM IN THE DRIVEWAY. HE GOT OUT OF HIS CAR L-H-A-O AT ME. "YES," HE SAID, "I DID SET YOU UP, BUT TOM, THE TROOPER YOU KICKED IN THE HEAD, WAS IN ON IT TOO." "BY THE WAY," HE CONTINUED, "TOM IS GONNA BE FINE." MY BROTHER SAID HE WAS JUST TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM GOING THROUGH WITH IT, AND THAT THIS WAS THE ONLY “PASS” I WAS EVER GOING TO GET. HE SAID HE THOUGHT THAT IF I SAW SOMEONE ELSE GET OUT OF THE CAR, I WOULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT, BUT AS I DID, IF THERE EVER WAS ANY TROUBLE, I WOULD BE HIS FIRST STOP. WELL, AS IT TURNED OUT, I FOOLED HIM AND THE CLUB, BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST, AND, I WAS A FULL-FLEDGED, COLORS BEARING, BANDITO, THE YOUNGEST EVER, TO THAT POINT ANYWAY. HARD TO BELIEVE IT’S BEEN NEARLY 37 YEARS SINCE THEN BECAUSE THE MEMORIES MAKE IT SEEM LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY.
