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FYI, I guess

It's funny... I will be completely honest and say there have been a few times over the course of my life where I considered the extinction of my existence; but what teenager hasn't, right? One way or another, I am still here regardless so all that is water under the bridge.

What stopped me from giving in to that abyss of frustrated angst? Well, simply put: I kind of enjoy life, even if i don't do much with it. I take some measure of enjoyment from simply going through the daily motions of "being" and many things which encompass that. I love music, I love books and video games, I appreciate what few friends I have -- death always seemed like a really boring way out of life's troubles, more or less.

Also, It just seems pretty asshole-ish of a thing to do. Even now, just being sick as shit, I hate that people worry over me, my mother especially. That was always the other thing that kept me around: not wanting to put the few people who care about me through that bullshit. I don't think I'm that scared to face death on my own, but I don't my mother having to go through that.

After the past few weeks, I am sincerely hoping that my continued existence is still MY choice.

I stopped smoking, hands down, which should say a lot. Really wasn't that hard considering the circumstances and for a while, thought I was on the road to feeling better. I thought "Cool, I kinda fucked up but everything's going to go back to normal... and better!" Perhaps not so after all?

I don't know what's wrong with me, 4 doctors and dozens of tests so far don't know what's wrong with me. I have more tests still pending and was planning on trying out another doctor tomorrow; just for the sake of another perspective since my current doctor is just scratching his head, telling me to "go back to work and be normal" when I'm having these problems. I wish!

At this point, I just want something... a diagnosis, some drugs, whatever. Give me SOME thing to let my life go back to normal... or just tell me I have 6 months to live and get on with it. It's stupid, boring and insignificant but its MY life and I kinda like it and I'd like to know what the status of it is at this point.

Is there a moral to this story, is karma biting me for some unknown transgression or does God/Satan/Allah/Ganesha/etc just hate me (and exist for that matter) after all?

Oi.

Anyhow... thanks for caring, those who do and I look forward to getting back to my normal self again so I can make all of you wonder why you give a shit about such a total bastard to begin with.

Blue EyeCan't find anyone to talk shit to around here anymore.
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