1968 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 You are a 1968 Chevrolet Camaro Z28. You love your car....your friends love your car and thats whats most important to you! Your car really hauls ass! You feel bad that they aren't making Camaros anymore....but don't worry...cuz you know they'll be back!
You might be a redneck goth if... Your coffin is up on blocks. Your hearse has a shotgun rack. Your wife-beater shirt is black. Your coon dogs are named Bela and Lestat. You have a pair of black latex overalls, with no crotch. You drink the blood of animals at night, and then sodomize them. You have hickeys with fang marks. You check the blood type of your victim with a dipstick. You don't have two front teeth, but you do have fangs. Your banjo is made of human flesh and bone. Your blood comes in a box. You hold late night walks and poetry readings, in a junkyard. You think Johnny Cash has "pretty lips". Your coffin is lined with a velvet confederate flag. Your hearse's horn plays the first few notes of Dixie, in D minor. Your hearse has Playboy mudflaps. You have a Moon tan line when wearing a short sleeve shirt. Your coffin liner is black and grey plaid. Your hearse is jacked up and sports dear lights. You smoke cloves in a corncob pipe. You dye your sheep black. You have elbow length black latex gloves, covered in pig shit. You midwived the cow your leather boots came from. Your oh-so-spooky homepage is at www.y'all.com. That's engine grease on your face, not makeup. Your bull's nose is pierced 6 times. Even your teeth are black. Your hearse has its doors welded shut. You have a black velvet Elvis painting, postmortem. Your child's first words were "Ah! The light!". Your hearse has a trailer hitch. You slit your wrists after your sister breaks up with you. You draw the line at drinkin' the blood o' colored folk. You write Gothic poetry about your "Achey Breaky Heart." Your closing remark at a funeral is "Y'all come back now, hear?". Your rooster crows at moon rise. All the cars and car parts in your yard can be seen as a pentacle from low flyingt aircraft Your front porch were to collapse you would have killed 27 dogs if they weren't already dead. Your favorite brew is blood light. Your pick up truck is up on headstones you have a flatbed hearse. Barbed wire is not only functional but a fashion statement for your house. You have spent your life perfecting black corn. Your great granddaddy still sits in his favorite rocking chair even though he is dead. You go to the family grave plot to pick up girls. Your coffin has a side-mounted spitoon. You fantasize about your sister while listening to "Sisters of Mercy". Your favorite monster truck is "Grave Digger". You have a giant pentagram belt buckle You have a bumper sticker that says "The dead will rise again". Your face is paler than your hood (mabye don't post this one). You're too depressed for incest. You live in a double-wide mausoleum. You wear a black condom when you screw your sister. You have a copy of "press eject and give me the tape" on 8-track. Your granny crochets your fishnets. You make bondage jewelry out of old tires. You name your lice after members of the Cure. You thought 'the Crow' should have been called 'the Chicken'. Your favorite comic is "Johhny the Homicidal Tractor". You have a red flannel trenchcoat. You buy your makeup from the hardware store. You brand your cattle with the Bauhaus logo. You are the 7th son of a 7th son and your sister. You bought Project Pitchfork thinking it was a country album. Your top hat has a "John Deer" patch on the front. You love Skinny Puppy......with taters and gravy. You own the entire Anne Rice collection but it just sits there because you're illiterate. You claim that the bullet holes in your broken television set show your 'artistic side' and reflect your 'distaste for the media.' You have an Elvira pinup in your outhouse. Someone yells "Hoedown!" and your dominatrix hits the floor. You get up at 4 AM every morning to collect eggs from the raven coop. Your bath water is black when you are done and you DID NOT just dye your hair. You think black tape for a blue girl is a way to fix your home. Your beer cans have fang marks. Screwing your sister involves digging her up first. Your wife, mother, sister and dominatrix are all the same person. It's easier to get a pet alligator than a rat. You paint your pet gator black. You burn upside down crosses. You play a recording of "Amazing grace" backwards to hear the hidden messages. Instead of a scarecrow in your crops, you have a rotting corpse on a stick. You and your pitbull share the spiked collar. Your PVC/Fishnet shirt has your name on the pocket. You have been known to shoot at the sun. You can't wear a black wool sweater because it reminds you of your first love.
TRUE AMERICAN REDNECK
It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem In ENGLISH.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat VietNam vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those who fought for this country.
God Bless the U S A !
Git 'er done!!
Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe: This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all.
Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water. Sort things, make 3 piles - 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch. Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch. Hang old rags on fence. Spread tea towels on grass. Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. Turn tubs upside down. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. ============================== Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time when you think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet those two-holers used to get Mighty Cold! For you non-southerners - wrench means rinse.