emmasa's blog: "OH"

I have been freaking out for months now about my wedding. I confided in a close friend and tried to chalk it up to cold feet but now I am so stressed about it it's ruining my life. I can't eat, hardly sleep, I wake up with horrible anxiety that lasts all day. I feel like I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. I was jealous because everyone around me was either getting married or having a baby, and here I was, with this guy for 7 years and he never even mentioned marriage. I don't mean to sound conceited but I am amazing. We are very different though. I have pink hair, piercings and tattoos and he hates them all, he just tolerates them. Every time I as something new it's such a fight and I feel like I am oppressing who I really am to make him happy. When he says he loves me it seems like routine, a kiss goodbye and I love you. I haven't felt in love with him for months now. And our sex life may as well be non existent. It's so bad I'm looking at other men and feel myself being willing to cheat on him because I'm so dissatisfied, and that's not me! I even kissed one of his best friends (I told him about it) and I didn't feel guilty at all. We may have our small problems, he is a great guy and would do anything for me, but I feel like I'm settling. He has no ambition to succeed in life. He is going to college now to get a business degree but we live in a house his parents own and they give us money every month and he just has this sense of entitlement that drives me insane. I do many activities every week, I do martial arts, participate in a local club for kids, and hang out with mutual friends every week for a movie night, and he told me he feels left out and followed it up with, "even if I wanted to go, I couldn't." SO there, he tries to guilt me for doing what I enjoy despite the fact that he said he doesn't even want to participate in my activities. He makes me feel like I need to be sitting at home when he is doing homework, just so he knows where I am. And when I am out, I always get the texts "where are you? When will you be home?" even though I told him when I leave where I'm going. I guess to make a long story short I feel like I'm settling for this man because we are high school sweethearts, the ring is on my finger, and the wedding is on May 25th. We talked about all this last night and he said if I call it off he never wants to see me again and wants all my stuff out. He's mad because we got engaged because I wanted to not HIM apparently, which should be another flag there. He says I convinced him it was a good idea and now he does want to marry me. I feel horrible, I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum because I was feeling jealous of everybody else. "Marry me or we're going to break up" I guess I'm just looking for advice. My parents already said the money doesn't matter, it's my life and I can't feel like I'm making the wrong decision, that made me feel more loved that you can imagine. I have only a few days to decide what I want, and I think in my heart I want to call it off and go find myself, but the look on his face is killing me. I have never felt like he loved me until now, and I just don't think that's a good enough reason to get married.