kgurl's blog: "I'm up for Auction!!!"

THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 -- on one condition." (There are always conditions!) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean my house." (YOU GO GIRL)

Here I am, wanting some answers. This will make you smile I have a question UNANSWERED QUESTIONS *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are three religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, But a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Make sure you check phone to see that it has this feature turned on Subject: Important - Security tool on your cell phone The Importance of 'Location' on Your Cell Phone You may remember that a young woman was recently abducted from a Target parking lot in Overland Park, a suburb of Kansas City. Her body was discovered many miles away in Missouri. They were able to locate her by the sequence of cell phone towers that picked up her cell phone location. She had not attempted to dial out, but when her family was trying to call her the towers could sense her phone. Sadly, the authorities were not able to reach her in time. However, they were able to locate her body which was in an area where they never would have searched without the cell phone tower information. Below is information you may find helpful. The cell phone 'locator' can be either set on '911' in which case you must dial out to be located, or it can be set to be on all the time. With it on all the time you can be located by emergency services through the police if you fail to respond, are sick, injured or worse. ALL cell phones have this feature. It's called Location. It's under the 'Settings' or 'System' tool. Once you turn this on, THEN your phone is traceable (select 'Location On' instead of '911 Only'). To stay safe, everyone needs to check their phone and turn this on!!! Please do this now and pass the word to everyone you know. We will all be safer that way.

A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses ... he turns around and asks the next customer in line: Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies...YES! The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ... DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK???? The man calmly responds ... No ... But My Wife Did!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."