what does it take to make a person want to leave this earth and never look back i have often wondered this myself but you know i have myself become one of those people and its not a nice feeling part of that reason is the woman i am with that i have a beautiful 6 year old Daughter with i thought that this woman loved me as much as i love her but its obvious that is not the case we have been together for almost 9 years and in the beginning of our relationship i screwed up and cheated on her i have since apologized to her many times and she still holds that against me i have given up the life style that i had as well as all of my friends even friends that i have known for 16 years it does not matter what i do she is never going to be happy if i walk out o her life she will always be there and the pain and agony will not go away so i ask myself every day what else can i do so one day i asked her to marry me because she had talked about wanting to get married one day i bought her a real nice ring and even went through the whole ordeal of asking her mother(father is dead) if i could have her daughters hand in marriage and that almost started a fight because i told my girl that i wanted to talk to her mother and i would not tell her what i wanted to talk to her mother with out her there and it just about started a fight in the car on the way there to her mothers house that night after her mother gave me permission to marry her daughter i proposed to her in a very romantic way and she seemed to be crying tears of joy and happiness and she said yes life was so great for about 2 weeks after that night then the fighting began yet again im not talking about little lovers quarrels that most couples have i am talking about an all out fight where things were thrown and so on and then things settled down for about 2 days and then it was right back up again and it has been this way for quite a while i then had enough and during one of the fights i took the ring back from her and she said i smashed all her dreams and broke her heart and for a week after that night she was not fighting with me for the exception of the ring she kept asking me if i was ready to give her the ring back and if i said no then she had an attitude with me im not talking one time a day i am talking about 7 or 8 times a day for a solid week so i gave in and just gave it back to her and i ask myself why did i do something like that after what i have already been through and i guess you can say its just being in love with her and wanting to make her happy in every way and with out regard to my feelings hopes and dreams i do not understand what else a person could do to make her happy i ask her all the time why do you want to fight with me all the time does that make you happy she say no and she does not know why she fights with me she says it just how she is but looking at it from my point of view she just starts the fights and does not think of what she is doing nor does she think about the words that are coming out of her mouth and then when the point is made that what she started the fight about she then turns things to what i did almost 7 years ago and then fights with me over that and then brings up anything else she can come up with at the moment she will talk to me like i am some piece of filth on the bottom of her shoe and yes i get pissed off about it and she knows it because i make it very known and then when she starts her fight about something that can just be said hey we need to do this or that or hey can this or that be done today i also bring up the fact of how she has spoken to me and has treated me and then all of a sudden she starts crying and becoming apologetic and thinks that by crying and saying im sorry is going to make it all better until the next time she does it which has been in the same day and then when i blow up from this matter she sits there and cries to me and wanting to hug on me and tell me she does not know whats wrong with her and then says that i am the person that has made her the way she is because i don't do the things she tells me i have to do like i am 5 year old child instead of talking to me like an adult and when she talks down to me or flat out tells me what to do i go out of my way to avoid doing what she has told me to do and she knows this and then she starts a fight over it and she quickly realizes her error in her ways and then fights with me about what i did in the past and it ends up lasting a day or two sometimes we don't speak to each other at times for days because of this she has been sleeping on the couch almost every night for the past 7 months she only sleeps in the same bed with me if she wants to have sex and she gives me some lame ass excuse of that she has trouble sleeping so she goes out there so she don't wake me up and i end up reaching out for her during the night just to make sure she is ok and to cover her up if she looks cold and brush against her cheek to let her know that i am there and i love her and i reach out to find half a cold bed and its sad i am beginning to become accustom to her not being there and that should not be that way i have asked her many times why is it that when i see other couples like her friends that she wants me to hang out with how they work hand in had in their relation ship but yet our relationship we are doing nothing but fighting against one another and all i get is i don't know so such is my life this blog is just a small peek in to the hell i call my life
