Ok guys..so here is the deal. Lindsay has almost surpassed her good graces with uncle sam...he's gonna be pissed. You see they give you 6 months to lose all your baby weight...well i made some progress but the loosing part just stopped and i have officially hit my plateau! ( i only have about 3 weeks left! AHHH **** RUNS AND HIDES **** )
Basically to sum it up...the questions is anyone know of any good diets? I dont mean crash diets...I mean the real deal ( i know i have to pick up the work out part) But im desperate. I need to see results.. and in between work, baby and school...where do you find the time to work out?
Ok new mommies...what are your secrets? what are you doing? Hit me back let me know. Im for real serious...lindsay needs her sexy back... :)
I havent been exercising as much as Id like to, and god knows i have to go thru another horrifying PT experience I think Im gonna crack. Im not sure how much more of the whole army thing...and i think all the peeps at work are starting catch on that something just not quite right with their self proclaimed super star....did i set myself up for failure by being an over achiever, then when i want to just blend in ....i cant?
Work hasnt exactly been the easiest for me lately, just seems like Im so bogged down with god knows what I cant focus.
I had them pull me aside and some one said to me "you are like Pacman Jones, you are great on the field but off the field you are a hot mess..."
That really hit home, I mean when did i get this off track? I find myself spending more time defending myself than working and accomplishing my goals....
I shake my head because is there ever and end to this? I dont what it's gonna take..but for you army folk I am skating on ice that is beyond thin...walking the brink to Article 15 land. Does anyone care to remind me how to "Soldier Up" what does it mean to be a Soldier anymore. And why the hell dont I take pride in that? I mean I should I've accomplished some things that I am so proud. The army is a constant challenge and Im tough..I've always been a fighter...
What do you when the fighter in you decides to become a pacifist? I've dissappointed soo many people...and i just wake up everyday like GOD DAMNIT! I WOKE UP and IM ALIVE...FUCK! I stare at the floor when i walk now ( out of shame ) ...what happened to that person that would stare you down? Or beat your ass if you looked at me wrong. That fearless girl that would jump and not give a damn if the shoot opened or not.
Maybe its parts of that personality..that carry thru and that have gotten me here. I just need to do something like quick...i cant take having everyone riding my ass. That being said lately...i really havent been in my office. I find myself looking for more work away from my desk so I dont have to sit there and reflect on my failure. Or stare at the faces that I have let down. It kills me....
Anyone Else ever felt this burned out? The sad part is that when I had a chance to walk away...I almost cried. I've come so far...how could i just quit and walk away. I love these people...Id die for them. I get told constantly that I have "potential" what the fuck is potential....? Where is that going to get me? I cant lead if I cant find my own way. Sometimes I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. And that everyone is leaning on me.
I need a break. VACATION? Is this what the hell post partum feels like? Is it too late for that? Or am I mentally warped and need to go someone! ( To admit your crazy...does that make you sane?)
And the weight thing...ya its been a part of it......i just feel like its deeper than that. Everyone has a distorted self image...instead of things getting clearer...they get foggy...I cant starve myself forever. ....
BAH! Im gonna go cry now...take a big sigh...then take a shower and prepare for hell day....
If you guys wanna help out and leave me some luv...i could use it!
Love you all!
me
